Dear Girl Who Waited And Wishes She Didn’t

Posted on August 13th, by Savanna Hartman in General, Marriage, Personal Growth, Uncategorized. 619 comments

Before you read this please let me preface it with this: You are so valuable. Man or woman. Girl or boy. Saved or unsaved. In agreement with me or not. Virgin or not. Whether you saved yourself for marriage or whether you didn’t. Whether you have slept with one person or slept with one hundred. You are FULL of worth and value. You were worth so much that Christ gave his life for you, knowing your sin just as he knows mine. Please don’t read this and feel invaluable or worthless because you are in a different place. I believe you are neither worthless or invaluable but are instead the most precious, valuable thing ever created.  I truly do. 

There is a blog going around right now called “I Waited Until I Was Married To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I Hadn’t” and reading it literally breaks my heart. It has gained much popularity and is circulating the likes of Twitter and Facebook with breakneck speeds. Out of love, this is my response.

Dear Girl Who Waited and Wishes She Didn’t:

I read your blog where you said that you took a vow at ten years old to hold on to your virginity until marriage under the banner of true love waits in front of your church and family. I read that how, even difficult, for the next ten plus years you did just that…WAITED. I thought that was so awesome…until I kept reading. I read your words about how when you got married you felt so shameful and dirty about sex that you cried after the first time and you hated it and were miserable. I am so sorry that after two years you and your husband stopped having sex and you began to see a therapist. I hated that you said as a result of that vow you grew to despise all things sexual and when it came down to it you chose sexual healing over religion and church and now participates in neither. I read how you said that if you could go back and do it again, you wouldn’t wait…and then I cried. You have broken my heart.

Do you know how many young impressionable girls have read your blog? Do you know how many men and women will give up what they have held so dear for so long because you said it didn’t matter?

You’re wrong. It does matter. I have one regret in my life and that is that I didn’t wait for my husband to have one of the most precious part of me and my body, my virginity.

I have felt the shame and disgust and guilt you talked about after having sex, but it wasn’t with my husband.

I have felt hurt and spent and used after having sex, but it wasn’t with my husband.

I have felt lost and abandoned and dirty and alone after having sex, but it wasn’t with my husband.

I felt that way with someone who I didn’t love, who didn’t love me, and who used my innocence and vulnerability against me. Someone who I found out later slept with me and was sleeping with about a half-dozen other girls around the same time.

Honeymoon sex is awkward for everyone. It’s a new thing, a private thing, with crazy expectations and ideas about what it will be like. The idea of standing naked for the first time in front of someone is daunting and nerve-racking for anyone. So don’t be so hard on yourself. I bet lots of women have had that experience and even cried after, but it shouldn’t bring shame. Shame and embarrassment are different.

I have never felt shame one time having sex inside the bonds of marriage. Not once. But you know what, sometimes something weird or unplanned happens. Sometimes it’s messy, and sometimes it’s not. The fact is, anytime you bring together something as vulnerable and open as two naked bodies, uncontrollable things are bound to happen. It’s part of life and part of sex. My sex life is wonderful and the longer my husband and I are married the better it keeps getting. It is still great though. It’s better now than it was five years ago and I believe in five more years it will be better than it is now. The deeper we grow in relational intimacy, the deeper we grow in sexual intimacy. I wish you could experience this without such bonds of negativity.

I’m sorry that you hated sex and it was horrible for you. I am sorry that your marriage struggled because of it. I’m sorry that you felt too ashamed to look anyone in the eye. I’m sorry that your church made you feel that sexuality and salvation were separate and shouldn’t be celebrated and enjoyed for the INCREDIBLE JOY that it is. I’m so sorry that you hated it so much that it caused you to give up your relationship with Christ. But please, please don’t say you shouldn’t have waited. Please know the value and power that your words have. Please know the influence you have. Please consider that somewhere tonight a young (or not so young) girl made the decision to give up her virginity to someone who didn’t deserve it, won’t appreciate it, and won’t be there in the morning to hold her through the shame…at least you had a husband to wake up with.

You see, Girl Who Waited, God created sex to be enjoyed by man and woman, husband and wife, and while that may not be popular in culture, it’s the truth. God didn’t create sex to be shameful, but just the opposite. He created it to be fulfilling, exciting, loving, and FUN. Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse. Outside of the bond of marriage it will always feel that way, whether you choose to believe it, accept it, or neither. If you feel shame INSIDE of sex in marriage, then that’s a misconception about God’s intent about sex, not about sex itself.

I am sorry you aren’t glad you waited, but I sure am glad you did.


Girl Who Didn’t Wait And Wishes She Would Have

619 thoughts on “Dear Girl Who Waited And Wishes She Didn’t

  1. This is where we need to make the crucial distinction between religion and a relationship with God.

    Young women like the author of that article are being told that, as long as they marry with their hymens intact, then everything else will just fall into place. Trouble is, it doesn’t say that anywhere in the Bible. And after what is usually an awkward and painful honeymoon, these girls feel betrayed and desolate, and rightfully so.

    The most unfortunate aspect is that many of them forfeit their faith in God, all for things God never did in the first place. The purveyors of the Purity Cult will have to answer for bearing false witness against God one day. They’ve made an idol out of virginity. Idolatry in the name of God is still idolatry.

  2. I’m so glad you wrote this! I wrote a post addressing the same issue.
    I read the referring post before I got married. It really upset me, since I was 31 years old and had, by the grace of God, held onto my virginity by threads.
    I think your post is spot on what God has to say about sex within marriage and I really appreciate your courage, and dignified and respectful responses to others who do not agree.
    It’s hard to be persecuted for what we believe, and how we live as children of God, and I just want to thank you and encourage you to keep writing truth sister. :)

  3. Glad you wrote this.
    This is my comment I wrote for the girl who wished had not waited:
    You technically have written my story. My breakdown, however, came after 13 years of marriage and 2 children. Things got so bad, that my very patient husband finally told me he didn’t know how much longer he could hold out. We love each other dearly, but my issues ran so deep, I didn’t know how to dig myself out. My problem, also was that I didn’t understand how God was okay with the acts of sex, even within marriage. For so long I heard and identified with the idea that virginity is ideal, premarital sex is bad, and after marriage life is “happily ever after”.
    What I see that is the problem, is that no one ever explained, what does this “Happily ever after” meant?? Why did I feel so violated in my honeymoon when I was intimate with the man of my dreams?? I came back home with everyone asking,”so how was it?”, uh, ashamed and embarrassed? My husband was also a virgin, and where he celebrated achieving his goal having held out for so long, I sulked in shame.
    Although I truly appreciate your story, there is something that you may have missed that is important to understand. The problem lies with the people who taught you a one sided view. Like myself, the teaching that you received FAILED to show you what was in the other side for girls in marriage. So blame the PEOPLE at the church who misdirected you. Sex is good in my marriage now, and I still Love God for His blessings in my marriage and the intimacy that He created for my husband and I within marriage.
    I have 2 little girls, and hope that my experiences will help to teach them on the realities of sexual intimacy, the way God intended it to be.

  4. I feel that all of you are missing the part in the I waited but wish I hadn’t blog post were she clearly states that if a girl is going to wait that she should do it for her self not because the church or her family tell her she sould. So while I beleive you all have valid views and opinions if not a bit mislead in some cases, you need to stop ignoring parts of articals, books, postings and bibles just because it doesn’t suit you. The bible has many rules and guidlines and not all of them are followed. The ones that are followed are the ones that people think suit them and society best. Stop doing that and start looking at the whole. It makes things easier and it brings understanding from all sides even with disagreement.

  5. As an 18 year old young woman, I would just like to thank you for writing this article. I have gone back and forth about whether or not I would like to wait until marriage. I read the original article a few days ago, and it made me feel extremely angry. Her last line is “Your sexuality is nobody’s business but yours,” but the entire article is about her sexuality. She shared her sexuality with her church, her community, and the internet. It hurts me that she blames her religion for her shame towards sex. That article made me feel shameful about waiting, until I read yours. Thank you for posting this counter-argument. Hearing the story of someone who wishes they waited has solidified my decision, and not made me feel like an outcast, like so much of the media does today. There are always two sides to an argument, and I’m so glad you shared yours.

  6. To the girl who didn’t wait,
    I’d just like to remind you of something when you write these articles about things that are current in our culture.
    It isn’t our job to tell people how to live outside the church. If they don’t have the same convictions, then that is their decision. Your heart can break for them, and that is how it should be. But never let something (like the topic of sex) get in the way of loving people first. Dont build barriers between “us” and “them.”
    It’s not about the rules. It’s about love. If you really love someone, then you’re already following the rules.

  7. quote from your final paragraph “Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse.”

    um Savannah… that is dead wrong. just flat out wrong. Plenty of women engage in sex without shame or regret. Every single day. It might not make sense in your mind, but it happens nonetheless. You shouldn’t be making assumptions about what other women do and do not regret.

    I find it disconcerting that you (and quite a few other Christians) put such an enormous focus on waiting to have sex till marriage. I can’t think of any other sin that is stressed so repeatedly, over and over. It’s a little odd. And often sexist, if the call to chastity is presented to women but not men.

    • Emily –

      As a man who did not wait, I married a woman who chose to. As a man who didn’t, I felt an enormous responsibility to honor her choice and wait until I made a lifelong commitment to her, rather than an evening of passion without it. I felt it was my responsibility to help her keep her goals in that.

      Sex on our wedding night was very difficult for her and gave me an opportunity to show that I valued her far above my own satisfaction. She often said to me how she maybe would’ve been better off if we would have had sex before, gotten through the difficult phase while dating/engaged, and then had a wild and passionate wedding night to remember. The truth is, as a man, and usually one who has had trouble understanding the emotional nature of women, I started to see how valuable and sacrificial it was for her to save her body as a gift for me to open on our wedding night. Now, I understand that many men take advantage of this and are purely takers in a physical relationship, but there are those of us who see that gift for what it is, and desire to honor our wives abs truly appreciate the sacrifice that was made to make us feel special.

      I will tell you that after all of these years, 16 to be exact, my wife and I are constantly trying to keep things fresh in our relationship, and I have come to understand how to please her more and more, not just sexually. Intimacy is best understood by our orientation to Christ.

      If my goal is to trust and follow after Jesus, not just be His fan, than I would understand he commands me to give my life up for my wife, and her for me. When we seek after Him, truly trying to exhibit His character, then the “me” focused, being pleasured instead of being a pleasure type of mindset goes away, and we find ourselves in a fulfilling and balanced relationship, in many areas including sex.

    • This article just shows how the world perceives things so differently. What I got from the original blog was that the writer waited for marriage for all of the wrong reasons. In the end she did not choose to wait to have sex because that is what she wanted. She waited because of everyone else.

      I also feel like waiting until marriage is directly mainly at females, which is not okay. The response writer is basing the fact of why she wishes she did wait on her own choosing, not because that is what she felt like she had to do.

      Everyone walks in their own shoes and we cannot understand what or why they feel as they do. I cannot judge someone for waiting or not waiting. I also cannot just someone who wishes they did things differently because I didn’t experience what the original writer did.

      Personally, I did not wait. I have a child and love her father dearly and have these last 5.5 years. I do not feel ashamed or regretful about past partners. I am still not married and I am happy with my choices. It is my life. My choices.

    • To the girl who waited, shame on you for trying to ruin it for everyone else.

      To the girl who didnt wait, thank you for trying to save all of us who are waiting.

      To the rest of you who were used by someone who left you after he took your virginity, shame.. and shut up, nobody cares.

  8. All arguments aside – in regards to the first, original post – I feel very sorry for her husband! Yes, sex isn’t exactly how we think it will be, it can hurt, feel uncomfortable, be awkward etc., but thats a growing experience you have with your partner. You grow in intimacy, nobody is saying it will be perfect and wonderful. It may be challenging, take time to see what works, etc. but to say that you “wish you did not wait to have sex” pretty much means your husband is not good enough in bed. Call it whatever you will, you are completely emasculating your husband. I feel very bad for him because now he’s probably completely insecure and/or has been slowly losing desire to have sex with you. That is not at all what marriage is, and “previously having sex outside of marriage” was not going to help you. I had many of the same feelings when I got married. It was uncomfortable, it hurt, I was completely turned off from having sex and I didn’t know why, but never did I ever or would I ever say “I wish I could have had sex before you so I could “practice” elsewhere”. Thats just disgusting and selfish. What will you learn from someone else that you can’t from your HUSBAND? My husband and I worked through our troubles and I worked through my own problems and insecurities. We realized the more we did it the less it hurt and in different positions, etc. so we worked on it within our relationship and now have a great sex life! Its foolish to say what you did, and I think you owe your husband a serious apology.

    • Umm. She didn’t say she wanted to practice with other guys. She said she would have gone ahead and had sex with her husband- before they got married. Same ONE man. Not disgusting and selfish, and she doesn’t owe her husband an apology. She’s saying the over-emphasis on virginity is really about controlling women’s sexuality- and she should be able to be in control of her own sexuality. And gone ahead and had sex with that one guy she ended up marrying anyway.

    • With every comment I feel more and more like too much emphasis is being placed the sex part of her story and not enough on the original issues. Girl who waited let her virginity control and define her to point that she lost or was never even given the chance to grow into a person at ease with her own body. Also, I saw no where in that article where she wishes she had experienced other sexual partners, merely that the wished she hadn’t waited to experience sex with her now husband. I can’t speak for him obviously but he sounds like a kind and understanding man with a more modern thought process. I can imagine he is willing to help his wife and , thus, marriage rather than twisting around and focusing on petty details.

      • The faulty premise is that if she hadn’t waited, somehow things would have magically been different. But that’s just not true. If she had had sex with her husband before marriage, it would have merely sped up the time table. Why would she have felt any differently about her body as a 17 year old who waited for 7 years, rather than a 20 year old who waited for 10 years? That makes no sense.

        The real problem wasn’t WHEN she had sex, it was, as she stated in the original article, that once she had sex, she lost what made her “special” in her own eyes to other people. She placed her identity and her value and sense of self-worth in her virginity, so when she LOST that virginity, even in a way that at the time she understood in her mind to be legitimate, she was left adrift, scared, vulnerable, with the burning question “Who am I now? Why do I matter now?”

        Its unreasonable to assume that if she had had sex 1, 2, 3 years earlier that these same issues wouldn’t have plagued her. They most assuredly would have, along with an intense feeling of failure. These issues point directly to the REAL problem, which is not virginity, or pre-marital sex, or True Love Waits, or any of it–the REAL issue is that a 10 year old boy or girl (boys have purity classes and programs too), or even a 15 year old for that matter, is completely incapable of separating action from worth without a LOT of really great, intentional parenting and mentoring. Our value is not found in what we do, but in who we are. Who we are is a beloved child of God. God’s love for us isn’t measured by what we do for him or in his name. Its not changed by those things either. Whether we succeed or fail, love or hate, none of it affects the way he cares for us.

        It is completely obvious from the OPs post that she never understood that, as a child or an adult. She latched on to “God loves me because I’m pure, other people respect me because I’m pure” and probably a little of “I’m better than the other kids around me because I’m pure. I’m special because I’m pure.” At whatever point that message was internalized inside of her, sex was going to cause this reaction. Regardless of whether she was married or not.

  9. So for conservative Christians, waiting until marriage makes you sexually dysfunctional, after so many years of equating anything sexual with sin, and not waiting until marriage is the single biggest source of shame and regret. It seems the only winning move is not to play.

    The obvious solution is to emphasize that one’s sexual status is not a defining characteristic of a woman. Teach girls about the consequences of sex, and that you shouldn’t do it impulsively or at a young age.

  10. I found this article pretty appalling. For someone to tell me that I feel shame about the first time I had sex whether I want to admit it or not is ridiculous.

    I did not wait until I was married. I had sex with more than one guy before I was married. I never felt shame with any of them. I am a woman of God. I believe in Him, I follow Him, and I have an amazing relationship with Him. I NEVER felt shame when I had sex, whether it was with my husband or not. I was never taught to think of sex as something dirty. My parents were very straight forward and realistic about sex. They never assumed we would wait, but gave us the best advice they could about what was in store for us. They wanted it to be our decision and to be responsible with that decision. It was not the church’s decision when I gave that piece of my heart to someone.

    I have been in love with more than one man. I have given my sexuality to more than one man, and I have ZERO problem with that. I enjoyed sex with men who were not my husband, I did not feel ashamed or guilty about it. For you to tell me that I felt otherwise is ignorant. If you felt that way when you had sex I feel sorry for you. Sex should not be shameful! No one should be able to make you feel shame about a decision that belongs ENTIRELY to you.

    • The Bible clealy states sex before marriage is a sin. (1 Corinthians 7, Galations 5:19-21, and several other passages). Also, Matthew 5:27-30 says that a man who looks at a woman with lust commits adultery with her in his heart (men and women are equal in the eye’s of God, this applies to women too). So if even lusting after someone other than your spouse is a sin then having sex outside of marriage definitely is.
      Sex outside of marriage is emphasized so much In churches because it is such a hard sin to avoid. It is very tempting. It’s easier to fall into sexual sin than into other sins.
      Also, you sin against several people by doing this. First off you sin against the person you had sex with, you also sin against your future spouse, you sin against God, and you sin against yourself. (1 Corinthians 6:18-20).
      God intended sex for marriage and marriage only. (Genesis 2:24, Hebrews 13:4, the 7th commandment: thou shall not commit adultery). This is why if you have multiple sexual partners you’re much more likely to get an STD. It’s rare that 2 married people who have only had sex with each other will get an STD.
      Only God can judge us and our actions, but if we clearly go against His word then we know what his verdict will be. We cannot call ourselves Christians or a man/woman of God if we don’t follow what He says.

      • Wow, you are ignorant!
        You list quotes from the Bible as if it is the only set of moral teaching available. And for a person with such knowledge of the Bible, you have missed the entire point of the story. To love thy neighbour and be tolerant of others even if their beliefs and interpretation of God’s will is different from ours. I am proud to be an agnostic as it means that I don’t need to associate with you. Ever. Stay in the US as nobody else wants to listen to your drivel. Buddhism teaches that as long as your actions don’t hurt others, then you should follow your own judgement.

        • I was replying to the woman who said she’s a Christian but she acted against the Bible. That’s why I was using Biblical references.
          If you’re a Buddist or a Muslim, then what I say from a Christian view should not bother you because you don’t believe in the Bible. It doesn’t offend me when someone of a different religion expresses their opinions or what their faith teaches. It upsets me when people who claim to be Christians don’t act according to the Bible.
          Also, the Bible does not say to accept or tolerate people who interpret the Bible differently. It says to confront them.
          And yes I will stay in the US where there is freedom of speech. My family moved here from the former Soviet Union where all religions were persecuted and no one had the freedom of speech. I value this right I have as a citizen.

        • Roxy

          You act as though I don’t know that the higher the number of partners the more likely I would get and STD. I knew the risks. I protected myself, I am not ignorant. I knew my partners and their STD status.

          You don’t know my story, and there are many things that contributed to my sexual exploring. I am madly, deeply, and wholly in love with the Lord. I do not need someone to spit Bible verses that I know in my face. God found me an amazing husband who I could not love more if I tried. He did not wait either and our marriage is absolutely spectacular. You may keep your rant and I will keep my relationship with God, because I know what heart holds and I know He thinks it is good.

      • I don’t really know exactly where or with what quotes but if you’re looking towards the bible there are many other things that are against the bible that even the more radical Christians that I’ve met don’t have a second thought about some examples of which are shaving, cutting your hair, working on Sunday’s, hunting for sport, and honestly pretty much anything you can think of you actually just committed sin by typing out not only the post you just made but also any posts you’ve ever made every time your lightbulb comes on you’re committing sin. Trying to say that premarital sex is such a sin that the shame of it and even marital sex become so ingrained into us that it creates a feeling of shame purely for the fact that it was sex is a huge and extremely sexist hypocrisy considering that society and often even the church barely mentions it to males and when they do its only so as not to appear sexist and is in no way stressed and hell it’s normally rewarded for men to have many “conquests” so yes stressing the importance of girls to remain “pure” for their future husbands is by far not a very important part of the bible and is often very damaging to young women and girls

  11. To me, personally, and I am really trying not to be offensive to anybody, it is beyond incredible that so much weight is still put on this one membrane that we women are born with to protect us from dirt as young girls. The historical reasoning for wanting women to be virgins when they got married was to ensure that any children they had were the husband’s, not some guy’s they met beforehand.
    Religion has incorporated this in a way that can be extremely troubling.
    I am definitely not saying that any of your beliefs are invalid – you can believe whatever you please – be it that aliens transported us here or that there is an almighty God – I honestly don’t care. My biggest issue here is that young girls are pressured into believing that their virginity is a gift and should be given to the “right” man, to their husbands. This is not to say that I’m sure the often very painful experience wouldn’t be made nicer if one is with somebody one trusts and loves. That’s nice, sure! But to say that one feels disgusting and filthy and whatnot if one “looses” it to anybody one doesn’t love or care about is simply wrong and incredibly insulting to those that have chosen that road, myself included. I don’t regret my choices and, as a modern European woman, I have never felt shame when sleeping with anybody. I may regret certain situations and certain partners but I truly believe that all my choices, whether they were “good” or “bad” to the wider public have made me who I am and I really and truly love myself, and am at peace.
    I believe in live and let live and I’m not telling anybody what to teach their children, but they may profit from a more open-minded approach to the world, so that this guilt and shame you describe doesn’t happen to them too.

    • Conversations like this are only meaningful when had within an agreed upon worldview. Both the original article and this one were written by women who profess to be Christian so there stands a reasonable expectation that a common ground on any given topic might be reached. (Perhaps not)

      As a non-Christian, you have a totally different world view (that has just as much a logical basis as theirs) but I don’t know why you would dismiss a very integral part of their worldview and then expect them to agree with you. You’re essentially saying “You shouldn’t be a Christian and then this wouldn’t be an issue.” Which is true….but ultimately not productive.

    • I am a man, and I was also told to wait until I get married! Looking back, I understand why, I am so glad I waited, even though it was hard!

  12. I feel bad for the girl who wrote the original article –the one who waited. I bet every day she deals with another person like this judging her decisions. A person’s sexuality is nobody’s business but their own.

    • Well if she wanted to keep it personal, she shouldn’t have written it in a blog. ” A person’s sexuality is nobody’s business but their own.” until they give it to the public like she did and like this writer does. Once you announce it to the world, it is no long private and you made it everyone’s business. This article isn’t judging, it’s a counter to let young girls know that there is more than one side of the story, that this isn’t true for everyone. Not to degrade or bash the original writer, but to offer another point of view.

  13. “Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse.”

    This is truly one of the most ignorant and unbelievable statements i have ever read.

    • Agreed, and it gets worse!

      “Outside of the bond of marriage it will always feel that way, whether you choose to believe it, accept it, or neither.”

      I’ve had a boyfriend who I loved and never married, that didn’t make it regretful or shameful. Wuht!

    • I agree, it is completely awful, how dare a woman be so ignorant, and judgmental, and have to audacity to attempt to disguise it as compassion. I grew up christian, and i can quite honestly say that there are too many Christians who simply belittle others experiences, it’s disgusting. I have several very christian friends and they are lovely beautiful people, my mum is a christian.The difference between them and this woman is they respect the decisions i make, that others make. This is not faith talking, it is human arrogance. I can honestly say the only slightly sexual act i regretted was kissing someone at a party when i didn’t want to, that is it. Every other person i have kissed or slept with i have been happy too.

  14. As a woman who did wait the other womans article kind of upset me… I feel so bad that she hurt in that way, I know several girls who have had a similar experience but that’s because they wait for the WRONG reasons. Ultimately you should wait because that’s what YOU want. Not your religion, mom, neighbor etc… I decided a long time ago that I would wait because that is what I wanted, and thought was right. I would not take it back. Sure, I wish I would have studied up on how complicated sex is and that it’s not all butterflies and flowers. But I am still grateful for my decision. I hope young girls who are trying for the same thing do not read the other womans article without reading this one with it. If I had read that several years back before marriage I would have felt confusion and wonder if the decision I made was right. Thank you for having this article out for them to find! Let’s hope and pray they find this.

    • Sure but it’s pretty hard to decide what your personal choice is when you’re told from the age of 10 that doing (or not doing) something is a key to god’s love.

      So its’ really not about waiting or not waiting. It’s about being given the opportunity to make that choice for yourself instead of being indoctrinated into thinking that what others want is what you want through the fear of god.

  15. I think what it comes down to is you need to know yourself. I personally did not wait, and I feel fine about it! Happy, even! It is an experience which I do not regret, nor does my current partner mind (or even care, for that matter). I also have a personal, fulfilling relationship with God, though I lean more towards Baha’i than Christianity. These two things have no connection to each other, really, in my life. And that’s simply how I feel. This is a very personal choice, and I don’t feel that anyone can tell anybody else what is right for them.

  16. The arguments that were presented in this article were halfway decent until the following words were said: ”Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse. Outside of the bond of marriage it will always feel that way, whether you choose to believe it, accept it, or neither”. Perhaps it should be added in that ”RELIGIOUS women are lying to say that….”. Nor will sex without marriage ”always” feel shameful. Please don’t condemn ALL women who chose a different path from yours. Religion-fueled over generalizations killed your argument.

  17. M’am with all due respect, your life experience is totally different from this other lady’s. It is her business what life lessons she has learned on this journey or how she learned them. What I gathered from her blog was that making a vow at 10, she believed even up into her adult years that she would be promised by God if she “followed the rules” that she’d have a fairy tale marriage (yay! She wins!). But in reality we know that fairy tale stories don’t exist. After the “prince and princess” get married, they have sex. Sex is meant for procreation (at least that’s what’s taught in Catholicism). I’m not religious as it’s taught in many religions that sex is meant to please a man. My body… My decision, I’m only human. My goal in life is not to appease my husband sexually (we have been married for nearly 20 years.). It’s to live life to its fullest with him by my side or not, though that’s our decision. I am glad the one lady got the therapy she needed. However I don’t think she needed the reasons why you wish you had waited (possibility adding more religious guilt. There for adding “baggage”), when YOUR life has nothing to do with HERS. As far as those being influenced. Girls SHOULD go by their female role models not complete strangers on the internet. Perhaps a mom/grandma/aunt/step-mom/cousin/etc and girl will have a discussion about both of your blogs. To me it would be a well rounded discussion that way.

  18. I waited and I didn’t regret. I got married at the age of 37 years old to a wonderful man who had had marriage life before but had to divorce after only 4 years of marriage. He stayed single and didn’t even have casual see for the next 24 years after that until we got married. Sex on our wedding night wasn’t awkward, it was beautiful. I waited for the one because I wanted to. I know if I committed the act of Sex it is because I love the man I am having it with. But what if the man doesn’t feel the same? What if he still sees me for another week than says goodbye? I will regret that all my life, and I don’t want to have regrets in my life! Moreover, I know that sex is special according to the word of God. To live holy and sanctify my body for Christ and my husband to be. But believe me, when the moment is so special, most of us won’t be thinking about God’s word. So I understand why girls give up in their first special moment, but unfortunately they do not understand the consequences that they may bear in the long run of their lives. Some girls will not feel guilty but some
    girls may. How can they live their lives holding on to that guilt? If I didn’t wait I will fall into the latter category and I know how miserable I will be
    For me, my way of dealing with this issue works. Dear girls/ ladies out there, waiting or not both have consequences. If you are sure that you can live with the consequences without causing sorrow to yourself, your mom and dad and the community around you, go with your decision.

  19. You did an excellent job writing this, and I fully support your position and can relate to your experiences. I’m sure you’ve received a variety of feedback, and I think the biggest problem is that both sex and religion are so deeply personal that it is almost impossible to persuade someone to see them in a new light. You are right to speak up and share what you have learned because I have no doubt it will touch many lives in a positive way. However, you shouldn’t be discouraged by the people who react to your post negatively. Even if people disagree, you’re right for sharing and defending your beliefs.

  20. You started your article with ‘You are FULL of worth and value’ and go on to give sympathy to the woman in the previous article. Then you proceed to talk about how honeymoon sex is awkward etc. The woman in the previous article didn’t feel awkward. Psychology is a little more complicated than that. She believes she was damaged by what happened. You have no actual anecdotal evidence of how saving your virginity was. You just had a bad time losing your virginity. You have told her not to inspire others just because her time was difficult. You are doing the exact same thing. I’m happy for you also that you have a lovely marriage. But just because you had a bad sex life before getting married doesn’t mean that everyone else will. I’d like to say exactly the same thing to you that you said to this poor woman. Please don’t try and paint a picture to impressionable girls that sex is in any way wrong. Its a natural part of life. I’m not religious, however I feel if God were real and merciful God would want us to enjoy life and bask in everything he took the time to make. If anything all the previous mistakes you made taught you how great your husband is for you. Life is about learning. Asking someone as young as ten about there sex life is insane.Everyone is so different, they all make different decisions and come to alternative conclusions. There can be a halfway with this. You can have loving sex outside of marriage.

  21. What the hell?? First of all, “the most precious part of me and my body, my virginity”. Your virginity is not the most precious part of you!!! A woman’s self worth does not depend on an experience she might or might not have had yet. By claiming that it does, you are completely devaluing her worth based on her brain, her morals, her accomplishments, ect…

    • Amen! Literally insane.

      Also, no where does it say in the Bible that a woman’s body/virginity are a gift she gives her husband. Disgusting. They are hers and hers alone. There are certainly reasons to wait, but putting all of your (or someone else’s) self worth into this one thing is imbalanced and wrong.

  22. I apologize in advance if my input seems out of place or inappropriate, but these are points I nevertheless feel strongly about and believe ought to be common knowledge.

    Actual research into the matter of virginity and its place in marriage suggests that, ON AVERAGE, couples who wait until marriage to have sex report greater sexual satisfaction, fulfillment, and intimacy than those who didn’t wait. This is of course not to be taken as the be-all, end-all argument for this issue, as even the most painstakingly researched topic is subject to the vicissitudes of time and culture. For instance, I wanted to draw attention to my use of the words ON AVERAGE because that’s exactly what a paper is typically meant to come to, an average. This does not account for the more unique experiences the outliers, those whose circumstances do not always conform to the rest. In addition to this, no research findings exist within a vacuum. That is to say, the findings of the paper may very well be the products of societal values and standards.

    While it may seem that secular values have already taken over our culture, this is only true at the most superficial level. For all that we claim to be “progressive”, the vast majority of people still hold onto deep-seated traditional beliefs about how the world ought to be structured. That is why couples in which the father is the primary caregiver for their offspring while the mother is supporting the family financially are more likely to end in divorce, or why atheists are the least trusted amongst all religious groups, including atheists. The fact that these values are rooted more deeply into each of us does not automatically make them the correct perspective, as evidenced by the ultimately destructive influence of the misguided indoctrination suffered by the writer of the “Girl who waited” article, but it is necessary to recognize their power in our lives, especially if we want to judge our peers with the even-handedness and compassion a Christian ought to aspire to.

    At odds with the research, if one is to look at it from that perspective, is that greater ignorance of the facts of sexual intercourse is more likely to result in negative sexual experiences, especially for women. The female body is not usually geared towards the act of intercourse the same way a male’s is. Whereas a man is “ready for action” at the drop of a hat, a woman may require approximately 20 minutes of foreplay to be sufficiently lubricated so as to avoid painful penetration. It is widely believed and supported that much of the so-called “virgin pains” come about as a result of taking things too fast, beginning before the woman is properly prepared, so to speak. More than that, if either party is expecting to see blood on the sheets as “proof”, that too comes from a misinformed view of female biology. The hymen may be torn for a number of innocent reasons prior to intercourse, ranging from accidents to simply exercising. Blood during intercourse may indicate tearing due to a lack of lubrication, making communication between both parties very important. These admittedly brazen points may not be in keeping with the atmosphere of this comments section, but again I feel they ought to be shared in the interests of depicting a strong argument.

    Making decisions based solely on the grounds of obedience to the written word rather than a connection to the spirit of the word originating from true soul-searching represents to me the most shallow relationship one can possibly have with the Lord, and is an affront in itself to the greatest gift we were granted, free will.

    It is even more preposterous to base decisions on the grounds of Disney movie tropes. Humans are imperfect by design, so expecting any one person to be your “true love”, your one perfect partner who will complement your intricacies flawlessly takes away from the specialness of one’s relationship to Christ. That is not to say you cannot love your partner truly, but it does mean one should gird one’s expectations for the reality of the person they are committing themselves to. Perhaps part of the trauma experienced by those who lose their virginity and come to regret it, even if it is to their spouse, comes from the misinformed belief that they have met the one individual who can compensate for the life-time of ingrained feelings they have repressed. People are imperfect and their relationships show this, necessitating a commitment not just to each other but to putting work into the relationship to make it last. This is as true of worldly love as it is of the love we have for the Lord, flawed being that we are. If this demands the intervention of a therapist, so be it. A person who feels betrayed by their faith, based though it may be on the overzealous ministrations of a misled congregation, needs time to come to terms with their relationship with Christ on their own terms. Direction towards healing must come immediately, though, and looking towards secular sources for this is not anymore wrong than seeking comfort in a spouse’s embrace.

    I apologize again for the lengthy diatribe. I hadn’t really realized the extent of my concern for this issue until I began to put it into words. Love and forgiveness may be largely the domain of Christ, but even if he weren’t the son of God he would still be one of the greatest teachers and sources of inspiration we should aim to emulate.

  23. Just to preface, I waited for my wife but I’m so tired of these self-righteous blog posts where someone pities someone else for not having the same “christian values” as them. You didn’t wait and regret it, she waited and regrets it. Just because her actions don’t align with your beliefs does not in any way invalid her. Get over yourself. There is no one size fits all for God or for sex so quit with the public pity shaming already.

  24. Well I didn’t wait til marriage but the only person I have ever had a sexual relationship with is the man i am engaged to, but before we even had sex for the first time we both knew we would be together for ever.

    I could have waited til marriage but it still would have been with the same guy. I believe its a choice but you need to be wise in your decision and i would do what i did and make sure that you both love each other and could see each other being together for eternity.

  25. This is really an upsetting thing to read, almost more than the original blog you’re responding to you. It’s so wrong of you to invalidate that young woman’s experience the way you have here. You’re telling her that it’s normal to feel the way she did and that she misinterpreted her own feelings. Girl Who Didn’t Wait, I’m sure the Girl Who Waited wouldn’t tell you to feel a different way. Shame on you for saying this to her. Shame on you for invalidating your sister in Christ’s experience this way. Shame on you for saying you’re glad she waited, when it caused her so much sorrow. You cannot tell another person they are wrong about what they felt. You did not experience the same thing this young woman did, so you cannot IMAGINE what she went through or how she should have felt. I sincerely hope you will think a little more before posting something like this in the future.

  26. Hey Savannah Hartman, you are not special at all. You are just another holier-than-thou religious person with a loud speaker. “Being saved” has given you a false sense of purpose but it doesn’t give you the right to tell other human beings what they should or shouldn’t share with others about their lives. Did Jesus tell his supporters to disparage people who share their honest experiences if it could be construed as anything that disagrees with their opinions of his ideas? I will give you credit for the “quality” of the subtly obnoxious, faux-friendly packaging of your disparagement though. Enjoy living in la la land and may god be with you, lol.

  27. I will keep this short and sweet.

    Who are you to say that it’s impossible to have guiltless sex outside of the “bond of marriage?” Feeling guilt after sex can be common, but you do not have the right to speak for everybody by saying that it will always feel that way.

    Furthermore, if you believe that your virginity is the most sacred thing you can offer to another person, I am sorry for you. That is very sad to me. You have your generosity, your humor, your smile, your kind words – your soul – to offer to another person. To me, “virginity” is just a concept, and after you are no longer a virgin, you have not “lost” anything. You are the same person, with the same soul, who has so much to offer.

  28. From the time we are little girls we are taught to cover up and view our body with shame. This is taught within the church and within our schools. Dress codes put in place simply because they don’t want our bodies to be a distraction for men. We are taught our clothes determine whether we were “asking for it” or not. This teaches women that rape is their fault, and the actions of men are our responsibility. Instead, boys should be taught to be men. Boys should be taught to take responsibility for their own wandering eyes and lustful thoughts.
    My daughter will be taught to take ownership of her body, to be empowered by sexuality, and sex is only dirty when it is not what she wanted for herself. The only thing that is shameful is when a women is objectified and sex is not consensual. A women should be able to have sex when she wants to and not be slut shamed, the choice is hers.

  29. If there were one thing i regret most, its definitely giving up my virginity before marriage. Im not married yet but i would give anything to get it back so i could lose it to my future husband. Respect goes out to all those young women who waited till marriage.

  30. “Please know the value and power that your words have.”

    It is wrong to make someone’s decision to have sex about anything else but themselves. The girl who wrote the article you’re referencing had her personal agency tainted by her church, and now you’re scolding her for taking it back and warning her about influencing other young girls.

    I’m surprised how you can’t see how very ironic that is.

    Virginity is not something that is taken from young girls. “Innocence” cannot be stolen.

    “I bet lots of women have had that experience and even cried after.”

    Your entire tone is dismissive of this woman’s experience. Also, no it is NOT normal to cry after sex. I do not believe plenty of women cry after sex, nor do I think that is somehow to be expected.

    Too many people paint women as passive objects in sex which are acted upon by men. Enough of this.

  31. I cannot understand how you can blatantly state that she is “wrong”. How dare you even attempt to understand how she feels. She wrote her post with confidence. Sexuality is an individual thing, a learning thing, and different for everybody. I am disgusted that you and so many other comments have judged her experience. She shared her experience with her sexuality and her learning. If she chooses to abandon religion because of it, then that is her rightful choice and I don’t believe it is fair for you to claim that she is wrong. I do not care if you are religious or not, sexuality is something that differs greatly from person to person. I am disgusted with your post. I am constantly confused as to how there are so many christian people who are hypocritical. The bible says to pray for those who hurt you. I hope that my words have caused you to consider your choice of words. Do not pray for me.

  32. The more I read the comments the angrier I became. I was proud of myself for waiting. I married a man I believed was responsible, a hard worker serving the country, and believed in God. We went to church every Sunday, and when he proposed I felt completely blessed to have found someone that shared my faith that I was going to share my life with. He told me when we started dating that he wasn’t a virgin, that it was a choice he regretted, and he knew that I was. Our wedding night traumatized me. It was painful, and I cried during and after. I was so afraid I couldn’t ask him to stop. And when he was done, he confirmed that my fears were justified. He told me I should consider myself lucky to have him. And to just calm down. It didn’t get better after the first time. Sex was a responsibility. Never a choice for me. And he didn’t care that he was hurting me.
    I spoke to my pastor saying that I wasn’t enjoying physical intimacy with my husband. He was never gentle, and I was afraid of him. And I was told that it was my duty as a wife to please my husband. I should try harder.
    So I did. I became a person I was ashamed of to make my husband happy. And unlike the woman in the original post, my husband not only didn’t understand, he didn’t care.
    He was arrested a few years ago. We’ve separated, and our children together live with me.
    But tell me, how is this the right thing? Was lesson was God teaching me by showing me that waiting till marriage wasn’t the beautiful thing I prayed for?

    • This. And I know so many people with similar experiences, even with otherwise caring husbands, because of the stupid Christian teachings that so often boil down to ‘men want sex, women do it as a duty’. How, when you are taught that, can you even recognize that something is wrong, whether you are the man or the woman? ((Hugs)) I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please keep telling your story. Bad fruit=bad tree. Christianity needs to figure out how it is contributing to experiences like this, and stop.

  33. Can I just say, thank-you..

    I hope the author of this reads this comment.. I cannot express how thankful I am for your reply to this womans post.

    Thank-you for your compassion and grace when addressing the issue.

    I am a young Christian, who has been obediently waiting till marriage with my current (handsome, loving and God fearing) partner. My parents arn’t Christian and we don’t have allot of support but we are faithfully pursuing Gods promises.

    However, upon reading the girls response to her first time, my heart broke as well. It rocked my boat but I held fast. However as it became more popular it started circulating rapidly around my school and even with my closest friends, they began mocking me for waiting and always looking to argue this girls opinion over my own whenever they could and I grew weary. It was hurtful and destructive and I felt worthless. I honor my body and obeying my God has meant everything to me. As my relationship deepens with my boyfriend naturally intimacy began to increase..

    Thank-you. For fighting in my corner. For being a blessing, for encouraging me. After reading this I again felt confident in my foundation. I stand tall against the things of this world and continue to chase after my Jesus.

    You’re a true blessing to me. I wish I could thank-you in person, but I’d hug you, and tell you that I am grateful for family like you in Christ.


    A Young Christian Girl (who WILL save herself for marriage)

  34. I don’t believe in a one size fits all way at life. There are several comments in this blog that seem to come from the view that there should only be 1 way of viewing things. For example, “Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse.” To me, it just seems rude to suggest that these women are lying. Some will feel shame and regret, while some won’t. Their feelings are valid just like the girl who waited.

  35. “You see, Girl Who Waited, God created sex to be enjoyed by man and woman, husband and wife, and while that may not be popular in culture, it’s the truth.”
    Who says? Who cares what you think by the way.
    “I am sorry you aren’t glad you waited, but I sure am glad you did.”
    Again it doesn’t matter what you think or want it’s someone else s life. You have absolutely no right to be imposing your world views onto others. If you want to save yourself for marriage go ahead, but don’t stop others or discourage others from having sex before marriage.

  36. I normally do not comment on these things, but I am so passionate about this subject I had to. I had the same reaction reading the article that sparked this- my heart broke. I was saddened because of the same worry- that those words have power and may change some girl’s mind about waiting. This world makes waiting hard enough- it’s horrible to hear of such a sad story, but that is a rarity. Of all the couples I know who waited (both husband and wife- I completely understand the double standard) they are far happier than those I know who have not. The statistics are there showing the increased probability for divorce in couples that were active before marriage. I am only 19 years old, but I value my relationship with God more than anything else in this world. I fell in love with my best friend- the most wonderful man I know- three years ago. We are so excited to get married, but we know it will take a long time. We still choose to wait, even though it is extremely difficult, for many reasons. Mainly, we trust that this sacrifice is what God wants for us and we will honor Him and save sex for the context of marriage. I wish more teens today were taught about the value that intimacy was designed for. Thank you for your words, it’s good to know I wasn’t alone in my reaction.

  37. Thank you so so much for writing this. The first time I read the article I felt so sick. I as well feel your pain of wishing so so much I could go back and wait so that I can fully give myself to my future husband. While I have been/was/still am in a fully committed relationship headed towards marriage with the man I gave that part of myself to out of the bonds of makes me sad everyday I see him that I couldn’t wait and the didn’t care about waiting. I am sad that on my wedding night, even if it is with him…it’s not going to be as special as I had dreamed it would my entire life. It has completely effected my boyfriend and I’s relationship in the worst of ways, and we daily struggle to bring the relationship back to a place of being pleasing to God again. Anyway, I got way off the topic. But thank you so much for the brutal and raw honesty of this article <3

  38. Way to completely discredit the poor girl who wrote the original article. Just because you had a different experience does not discredit her experience. Her experience was real and certainly could (and has) happened to others. I’m sure she completely understood what she was doing when she wrote this article — I’m sure that her intent was to try to help girls that may end up in the same situation. And good for her. Don’t discredit her by acting like she didn’t know what she was doing.

    Blog posts like yours make me sad. I am 36 years old and never married, not for lack of want or lack of loving relationships. My time for marriage simply hasn’t come yet. Perhaps because I refuse to settle. I can’t imagine if I were a 36 year old virgin! Not that anything is wrong with that, but I shudder to think all that I would have missed in my life. You act like people who have sex out of marriage are constantly ashamed, and if they say otherwise they are lying. I have had 12 sex partners over 17 years and I value greatly what each of those individuals have taught me…about myself, about love, about spirit, and connection, and passion. In each case I eagerly consented. In most I was in a relationship, some I was head over heads in love. In a few cases, I was not in a relationship with the individual and in some ways I value those experiences even more….that feeling of letting go and experiencing all that life has to offer, experiencing the amazement of all our bodies are capable of. I wouldn’t change any of those experiences for the world. They are part of the very best of who I am.

    I consider myself lucky. I am agnostic — I am a very spiritual person but was not raised in a church, and don’t have ties to any particular religion. I am so grateful I never experienced any of the guilt or shame that religion sometimes puts upon women. I was taught that I have value and as long as I stay true to myself, and do what feels right in my heart, I am on the wrong track. My heart hurts for people who feel such heavy shame surrounding something so beautiful. I am glad folks of all types are putting their experiences out there so others can learn there are a lot of different ways of living life, and none are wrong unless they diminish your sense of self.

  39. “Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse.”


    Shameless, regret-less, fun and fulfilling sex with a non-spouse is had daily by thousands of women around the world.

    Shameful, regrettable, not fun, and unfulfilling sex *with* a spouse is also had daily by thousands of women around the world.

    Unless you are every-woman in every-relationship, you can’t make any blanket statements about other peoples’ experiences.

  40. It hurts me that you are making her feel bad for sharing her story. Yes perhaps it will influence some girls thoughts on sex but it was simply her telling her story, her experiences and how it was for her. You are saying you understand her and what she is saying but are saying you wish she didn’t. People are free to express and I think her story taught me a few lessons about it being your choice and that the churches idea of what is right and good may not be what is right and good for you. I personally didn’t wait until marriage but I loved the man I was with when I lost my virginity. He taught me the deep connection you have with another person during sex, how close it makes you feel to them and how much it makes you love them more. Having sex with someone doesn’t have to be about it being with your husband, it can be about being with someone you love, and who you know loves you back and a ring doesn’t define love.

    While it didn’t work out in the end, in the end I did love him and that was why I decided to lose my virginity. He made me feel beautiful, special and never shamed of anything, he made me feel everything I wanted to and I am glad that I made this choice.

    Please girls remember other peoples thoughts and opinions should never effect your choice on when you lose your virginity. It is ultimately your choice and it should always be about what is good for you, what you personally, without other influences, is right for you and what feels right for you. If you LOVE someone and it feels right and good to YOU, then it is your choice and there is nothing wrong with that choice.

  41. I cried reading this response. Thank you for mentioning Jesus and just how much he loves us all. Thank you for mentioning that sex is fun and wonderful and should be enjoyed within marriage. Thank you for talking about a topic that is not popular and doing it with such love and sincerity. And thank you for writing this letter. Praise God that he restores us back to him, that on the cross he claims victory over sin and death. We no longer have to sit in the shame and guilt of that – we have forgiveness and freedom in his name. Thank God for you sister – your boldness in proclaiming truth and your wonderful testimony!!!

    • p.s i waited and I’m glad i did! I wasn’t even a christian at the time. I just had an intrinsic feeling that it was special and i needed to wait till my wedding night. No church told me that. No parents. No one. I just knew deep down that i should!
      oh…and SO did my husband. Our wedding night was so special, i can’t even.
      Did we know what we were doing – kinda/sorta
      was it awkward – not at all. We fumbled our way through it together. Laughed, cried, laughed again.
      And the best part we have no other standard to compare to. Just each other. Every week it gets better and better. Now that I’m a christian i understand how precious it is. How the love between a husband and wife reflects the love of Christ and his people. How the vulnerability and intimacy is to be shared in a loving, committed, convenental relationship. And I’m so glad that in Gods mercy I was convicted to wait.

  42. I did NOT wait for marriage and I have NEVER regretted it. I am grateful that I did not have to go through what the Girl Who Waited went through. I am sorry for anyone who has a bad experience with sex. I waited for someone that I loved and respected who loved and respected me back…I then married him six years later. (Even if I hadn’t, I still would not have felt “dirty” or “used”) I would have HATED it if our first time was our wedding night. The first time is so terribly awkward… I think to each their own, but to say that having sex outside of marriage will always make you feel shame is inaccurate. Every person is different. That is the kind of mindset that turned me away from religion long, long ago.

  43. Virginity is a social construct perpetuated by the patriarchy. That’s all it is. It doesn’t determine your self-worth or lack thereof. How dare you criticize her for what she said. As someone who has gone through years of therapy it really sucks when someone tries to invalidate your feelings on something. It probably took a lot of bravery for her to even talk about it.

    Get off your morality high horse and stop acting like you’re such a perfect little Christian. Sex is a form of intimacy you share with someone you love, or as a way to simply receive pleasure. The point is that it doesn’t matter because it’s her body, not yours. And I hope those young girls read it and realize they don’t have to be a slave to their religion.

    Men are not criticized for their choices but women are. Men are not more valuable than women and your virginity or lack thereof does not define you as a person. What does define you is whether or not you’re an insufferable and judgmental “Christian” or whatever religion you are. People will not go to hell for not sharing your beliefs and they are not less of a person because of what they choose to do with their bodies.

    She is a good role model. You are not. She’s open and honest about herself. Your are being judgmental and pious.

    You are not her. Get over yourself.

  44. “Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse. Outside of the bond of marriage it will always feel that way, whether you choose to believe it, accept it, or neither.”

    This is absolutely untrue. My now fiancé and I began having sex long before we were engaged, while he was my boyfriend, and I have never once felt guilty, ashamed or used because of that. We had sex because we wanted to. We love each other, we are comfortable with each other’s bodies, we respect boundaries and have a very clear understanding of what true consent means. Now that we are getting married, no part of me wishes that we waited to have sex with each other, or anyone else for that matter. Every sexual experience I have had has given me a better understanding of my body and what gives me pleasure. I have also learned that different people get pleasure in different ways. I am happy to say I will be entering my marriage with a man who knows me, inside and out (literally…haha). I am confident in my sexuality. I do not fear sex. My body is mine, not his, not God’s, not anybody’s. Mine.

  45. this is one case and there maybe more like this out there. But it is also true that there are people who remained virgin (whether by personal decisions or encouraged by Church) until they married and they are happy and proud about the decision they took..Please, what happened to her other friends who also remained virgin till they got married?. This article is from a satanist who just want to break the moral fibre of society…. They first started by attacking prayer and made people to think that long prayers are not necessary. Satanists pay and send women or prostitute to go and seduce roman fathers, other priests and pastors! They pay and send ex-boyfriends and ex-girl friends to go and seduce their formal partners…especially those who had sex before marriage —-knowing that the victims could remember the past and succumb…. Videos are taken and posted to disgrace religious based marriages. his is a formulated story to make girls think it is not necessary to abstain from pre-marital sex. Abstinence from pre-marital sex actually benefit both men and women…not women alone. Even before Christianity, a considerable number of men and women abstained until marriage…. My father married at 29 years and he was a virgin…. And my mother to was a virgin at the same time… Some of you men and women will be in support of this bad article but if your daughter is the one that wants to do the same, I doubt your opinion will remain the same. Isaac bonney is 37 years old and he is a virgin, Kofi Assibu is 32 years old and is a virgin, Kwame is 30 years old and is a virgin…. Ohene Adu is 38 years old and will be marrying shortly…he is a virgin.. Francis Married at 37 years…just about three months ago..he was a virgin… In the same way there are many ladies who are virgins not only because they are Christians but also because they know what is best for them..

  46. “First and foremost the only person to blame is yourself. Where I come from 90% of the girls stay virgin until marriage and none of them have any such thoughts. In fact they stay devout members forever. So where is the problem? It is in your society and also in yourself. Your statement that your virginity became your “identity” tells how delusional you are. It also has a lot to do with the society around you and that society should be whom you should blame instead of blaming the church. The fact that staying Virgin is something like an achievement in your society tells a lot about it.
    It is just like holding off to drive a car until you get a license. Can you drive a car before that? Yes! Should you drive it before that? No! But what if everyone around you drives a car before getting a license and you are the only one who abstains? In your case “not driving a car” becomes your “identity” and then finally when you get your license and drive one you feel like you have lost your identity and that your guardians have cheated you!
    This article may by far feature in the top 10 stupidest articles ever.”

  47. I waited. I did the “Sex God and Me” and “True Love Waits” events.

    And I wish I hadn’t.

    Now, years later, I’m still miserably alone and too old for people to not laugh if they hear I’m a virgin.

    I spent my best, most attractive years waiting, and for what?

    I’m a lonely, miserable punchline.

  48. I am some one who took a similar promise many times over my religious career. And I waited. Not for marrage but for someone who loved me. I was not forced i chose too. And over the course of almost 10 years i have had 6 partners including my husband. So im sorry you were used but you also made that choice the same way everyone else in this world has and does. its the consiquences that we have to live with for those choices. So before you judge someone even if in your mind its good. I still find your post very judgemental. Instead of words of encouragement you judge her for leaving religion and church because a choice she made disrupted her entire being. Instead i stand back and hope that one day she finds balance not religion or a church but in herself. So before you pass judgment think for a moment what she might have felt in any if those moments and tell her that you like to share your story to her instead of posting it on the internet for others to judge her as well

  49. I feel as if this was not the right thing to say at all. I have had sex out of wedlock and felt god about it, because my sexuality is up to me. IT is not a fact that God created sex for men and women, because it is not a fact that God is real, and it is not a fact that sex is only fro men and women in marriage. Sex is experienced regularly by gay couples and people out of marriage. And i bet they feel great. So please do not push your views on others who think differently to you, thankyou

  50. All I’m going to say is this. Marriage has nothing to do with the issue. I never waited for marriage to have sex. But I waited to lose my virginity to a man who loves me, a man whom I love, and trust, and will always care about. So what if we’re not married? You don’t need to wait until then to feel the joy and love of sex. There should be no shame and no guilt of having sex before marriage, as long as you are having sex with the one you love, and the one who loves you. No matter whether I marry my boyfriend or marry some other guy, I will never regret losing my virginity to this man who cares for me so deeply. I never felt embarrassed, or shame, or anything of that sort, because I was ready to lose my virginity to this guy, who was only a friend with benefits until the night he was ready to have sex with me. He was ready because he loved me and wanted to start a relationship with me. Not because we were tied in marriage and that’s just what you do on your honeymoon. As traditionally religious as waiting until marriage is, this isn’t the only way to lose your virginity in a good way. Love in general is the most ideal way to lose your virginity. The Girl who Waited lost her virginity at her Honeymoon, but she, realistically, was not ready for sex, or she wouldn’t have felt this shame and disgust. She didn’t feel the connection to her husband to love him yet. As for the girl who responded, she should not think she needed to wait until marriage, but she still regrets losing her virginity before marriage, because it was a jerk she lost it with who didn’t love her. Therefore, as long as you are ready to lose your virginity, and you do it with someone you love, who loves you too, there will be no feelings of guilt, shame, disgust, uncomfort, or regret. Waiting until marriage is not the thing that needs to be stressed. It’s waiting for the person you love, and the moment you are ready.

  51. What i dont like about both of these articles is how differently women are treated then men. If a man doesn’t save his virginity for marriage no one blinks an eye. Actually he may be congratulated. If a woman doesn’t certain people think she is “used” or damaged goods. This is a result of religion being twisted by some to control and gain power. People need to see what parts of there religion developed on wrong ideas and cut them out. Stop being sheep

  52. As a strong follower of Christ, your condemnation of the woman who was sharing her life and being honest about her feelings and emotions infuriates me. Your judgement and disapproval towards her and anyone else who has had sex outside of marriage breaks MY heart. How dare you tell her that she can’t feel the way she feels or that her blog post makes her responsible for the actions of anyone who reads it. Their actions are their choices. In the same way that the actions of people who read your response are not your responsibility. You may disagree with this woman and that’s okay. I’m a woman who is waiting until marriage to give my husband my virginity and that’s between me and God. I feel sorry for her that she has had such a hard time, but I feel even worse for you. That your decisions and experiences in the past cause you to be so harsh to someone in pain and judgmental of others.

  53. Way to completely nullify another person’s feelings and experiences just because you don’t think their feelings about their experience were correct. I’m sorry you got used by men, but plenty of women have pre-marital sex and don’t experience that. Plenty of women wait until marriage and get sexually abused by their partners (religious couples being very prominent).

  54. Dear girl who wrote this response. The most important part of anyone is not their bodies or their virginity’s, it is their hearts and minds that should be protected and nurtured. Sex is one of the most natural things human can do and it’s beautiful. Virginity is not a sacred thing it is just something we are all born with and should be free to lose whenever we feel truly ready with whoever we want. I’m sorry to hear that you regret your first experience not being with your husband but that doesn’t mean waiting is a good thing at all. Everyone should feel safe to lose their virginity when they and with who they want without fear of prosecution from religious, racial, gender or age related views.

  55. You say that women who say they have not felt shame or regret after having sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse are lying. This is not true–I have never once felt shame or regret following a sexual experience, even with someone who did not love me. That is because every time I have had sex, it has been my decision. I went in each time fully aware of my relationship with the person and communicative about what each of us wanted and expected. With every sexual partner, there has been mutual respect and mature, open discourse. There is no reason, ever, for a woman (or a man) to feel shame associated with sex, as long as she is making her own decisions and doing what she feels comfortable with. It is perfectly normal and healthy for women to have a sex drive, to want sex and enjoy it.

    The problem lies with the sentence in which you write “one of the most precious part of me and my body, my virginity”. The fact that you write that a girl’s virginity is one of her most precious aspects is simply disgusting. You disrespect and devalue every woman and girl by saying this, including yourself. How often do you hear men’s worth defined by their virginity? I would suspect never. A woman is SO much more than her virginity or her sexual experience. There is nothing “dirty” or “impure” or “immoral” about sex–it is natural, something that humans are built to desire and enjoy. Yet there is so much more to life than sex. I find it hypocritical that you begin the article by insisting that everyone is valuable–but then define much of a woman’s value as her virginity. You are right: every woman, every person is valuable. And that value has NOTHING to do with their virginity, their sexuality, their sexual experiences, etc. That value has to do with everything else they offer the world. Their thoughts, their ideas, their opinions, the things they love, the things they’re good at, the love and companionship they provide others. Women need to take charge of their own lives–you owe your “future husband” NOTHING. You owe your current self, your friends, your family, the people you love, everything. Perhaps, one day, you will meet someone you want to marry. Someone who you respect and who respects you, someone you love to spend time with, someone who shares similar values, someone you click with. Your past experiences will have shaped you into the person you are when you meet them, but they will not in any way take away from what you have with them.

    Love yourself now, and take responsibility for your own happiness. Do not let others tell you when to feel ashamed.

  56. I grew up in a small town where everyone was super religious. I didn’t attend church like everyone else. I admit I went a few times because I felt like it was forced upon me. Now understand before I say what I am about to, that there are many young girls out there who get their virginity ripped away without their consent or even knowing what sex is… Imagine caring that secretaround with you… In a small town where everyone is religious and crying, “Save yourself for marriage!” They say you’ll go to hell for not being pure… How is that even fair for someone who didn’t get to make the choice for themself? It put me in a very confused place as a child growing up because no one knew, and very few people know even now… After an ordeal like that, and being preached to that I was no good, I believed it. I don’t believe in God, but I believed that I wasn’t good enough. I kept to myself… Was afraid to let anyone near me. My first time opening up to someone on my own terms was a female. It was awkward, and I was confused afterwards because my small town judged me for being gay. It just pushed me further into believing that I wasn’t good enough. I tried to date men after that… but I wouldn’t be able to bring myself to become intimate with them… Until one came along. I let him in, completely. I enjoyed sex like anyone else. I became pregnant, and was scared and ecstatic at the same time. I kept it a secret from all but him. I miscarried at four months and then he left me because of it. Maybe it was for the best. I tried being with other men afterwards, but I couldn’t get over how odd I still felt after being with a man… Even so far away from that little town. I am now married to an amazing woman, whom I met in that little town. She understands me, she believes in God, but won’t push it on me. We have very similar pasts. We both were made to feel like we weren’t good enough. We were both used and cheated on by anyone we let past our walls. I have so much respect and understanding for the girl who waited and wish she hadn’t. It is heartbreaking that she had to go through such anguish within herself. Her entire identity was stripped away by that one action… I can relate in other ways. The faith told me I was no good over and over… I know now that, that isn’t true. I am an amazing woman, who has hopes and dreams. One who loves to help others no matter what my situation is. I just wish that other girls like myself and my wife, and like this woman, wouldn’t have to go through such a traumatizing experience, because that is what it is… To each their own, has always been my saying when it comes to religion, sexuality, and so on. My other life motto is “Without struggle, there is no progress.” Hopefully, there will be a positive outcome for future generations from the struggles we all have faced. It’s what I like to believe would happen.

  57. “Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse.”

    What a pompous narcissist you are, typical of a bible thumper, to assume how others think and feel.

    Guess what, sex is just sex. It is what you make of it. It is nature’s way to have babies, to be enjoyed. It is not biblical, it is not spiritual, it is whatever you want it to be.

    To keep portraying that a woman should wait, is only filling an egotistical need in men that their little pricks are so important, that they can fundamentally change who a woman is, and they need the proof.

    But guess what, it doesn’t. And you can’t tell me how I should feel about how I use my vagina either.

  58. Ha! Religious people crack me up. God didnt create sex (or anything else). Both of you have a warped angle here. Wait if you want to, don’t if you don’t want to. Don’t implicate God or any other supernatural nonsense into it.

  59. YES. YES. YES. Thank you for your response! I was SO SAD to read her post. My story is the same as yours, I feel SO PASSIONATELY that I screwed up what it could have been.

  60. This breaks my heart. This poor girl was taught that sex was dirty and thats why she should wait. She should have been taught as I was, that sex is a beautiful thing. That it is an expression of your love for one another. No, angels won’t sing, yes it will probably hurt, but it is not a dirty thing. Consensual sex is pure and metaphorically clean when it is done in mutual love and respect.
    That is what my very Catholic mother taught me. That is why I, at 26 am still a virgin. I may not wait until my wedding night, in fact, I doubt I will wait that long. But I will wait until I find a man that I am in love with, that I respect, and that I do intend to spend my life with.

  61. I’ve just read both articles and can see truth in both. This article does show that yes you shouldn’t have sex with someone you do not trust and feel safe with, because it will leave you feeling negative. If a man does not care about you, you cannot trust him to help you through something so foreign.

    However I do not think you should abstain from sex by some pact you made when you were nowhere near sexually active.

    TGWW was indoctrinated to be celibate when she had no idea what sex meant. The church taught her that it was sinful to do outside of marriage, and the pledge was an expected thing to do in her community. She was made to feel that she was righteous in waiting and that it would lead to a blessed marriage and that she would go to heaven. Which of course is nonsense. She could have become a criminal and her husband could have been adulterous, a blessed future is not something you can guarantee.

    She was made to feel guilty when she felt anything sexual, which is not only unfair it is unhealthy. You should have sex when you are ready, she wasn’t allowed to explore that side of herself and it became so stigmatised to her that when it actually happened she was traumatised and felt sinful.

    Not only this but she was aware that everyone she knows had known she lost her virginity, and she felt tainted in the eyes of her family and friends, who had no idea how she felt. Sex had unwillingly governed her life when in reality it should not have been that big a deal, and she should have been taught that it is a normal thing to do, and that everyone does it.

    The stigma around the value of virginity is shocking. We are taught that it is precious not to participate in a certain experience and this creates such an anxiety for some young girls.

    I know this probably is not everyone, but you should have the choice to take that kind of pledge when you are sexually active and are completely aware of what you are getting into.

    We need to educate children about sex when they hit puberty. Let them know that they should not be scared or feel dirty because lets face it sex is a wonderful thing. We need to let them know its ok to abstain in they want to, its ok to have sex when they want to and its ok to have sex! You cannot force a child to pledge something they cannot comprehend because as we have seen with TGWW it can be scarring.

  62. With all due respect, you entirely missed the point of the initial blog. This article isn’t encouraging young women to go out and have sex before they’re married, it’s encouraging them to choose to have sex or to wait because it is THEIR decision. Not their church’s. And a chastity vow at the age of 10 is not their own decision.

  63. I think that anyone who starts preaching about the ‘sanctity’ of sexuality because of religion should think hard before putting their ideas out for all to see. I understand that your experiences may not have been good ones, but at least you had them. At least you were able to take the knowledge of what you didn’t want away from them. At least you lived. It’s all well and good to say that the only pleasurable sexual experience you had was with your husband, but don’t say that it is because of capital-G God. Just as Girl Who Waited may have convinced teenagers or young adults to ‘throw away’ their virginities, you have told them that they need to keep theirs close until they’re married, potentially causing the same problem. The issue that both of you have is that you are allowing religion to interfere in a world that has by and large moved on from daily worship. I have nothing against religion, and while I am not myself a Christian, I 110% completely respect your right to worship in whatever way you desire. But don’t say that all extramarital sex is bad. As a teenager, I knew of many people who had embarked upon sexual relations with partners that they loved and trusted. And while many of these relationships have come to an end, and some look back on their first time and say they would have waited, the majority do not. They allow sexual intimacy to become a part of their relationship, deciding when and if they will choose to allow others into (or around – lets not be gender bias) their body. They do not see it as something dirty or shameful. They see it as a part of growing up. Because they have been educated. Because they know and understand that if they jump into bed (or public restroom, or friends bedroom), then they may get hurt, and they may feel tarnished, but that it it their decision to make. Not because some abstract idea of a god tells them that they will be forever damned. Right now, I have chosen to wait until marriage, but I don’t let this define my life. I have chosen this path because a) I’m 18 and haven’t yet had a boyfriend, much less someone I want to have sex with, b) because I don’t think that I’m built to deal with casual hookups, and c) I like the idea of walking down the aisle in a truthful white dress. But if I do meet a man (or a woman, during the implied sexual freedom of the early 20’s), and I feel ready to have sex, then I will. Because I know that it’s my choice. Just as it’s everyones choice. If you’re going to ask children to abstain from extramarital sex, then they should do it because thats what they feel is right. And don’t let that be an excuse to avoid teaching them about sex. If the only sex ed they have is ‘DON’T DO IT’, then you end up with situation like the one you are arguing against. Sex should not be something that is only down in order to please your husband. Females have needs too. And teenagers should be taught that their sexuality is their own to control, and how to ‘go about it’ respectively’. Teach them about how to express themselves in a decent way. Because otherwise some poor girl will find herself outside a door, having indulged in a night of passion, and feeling like she should be ostracised from her community. It won’t matter to her that she was in a relationship, and had known the guy for a decade. What you are preaching is that women have a responsibility to maintain the virtue, FOR SOMEONE ELSE. Not for themselves. Let them make up their own minds. Don’t force the decision on them, or base her intrinsic worth on wether she is living life for herself, or for others, because she does or doesn’t have a hymen. The first time I will have sex will be deep in a relationship (or a random night of passion if the desire so takes me). The first time two of my best friends had sex, they were in a public loo and a car, respectively. No matter when, how, if, or why I decide to give away my virginity, it is absolutely none of your business, and I will turn my nose and walk away if you try to tell me that I’m doing something wrong.

  64. if you felt shame and regret while having sex with ANYONE. then you did something you werent 100% comfortable with. person who wrote this article, you DO NOT need to feel regret and shame after sex with anyone other than your spouse. i hope you understand THAT one day. Thank You.

  65. Im sorry but wow. This women poured her heart out. How dare you decide to tell her anything about how wrong she is. I was in the same boat as her. I pledged to wait for sex and i did. And i as well felt dirty because thats all we are taught is that sex is a sin, only meant to creat children. But also its a large part of married. And we are constantly taught in church we hear it again and again to obey our husbands. Husbands want sex. So not only do we make a huge jump from single to married and partnered together with one man that we heard over and over us must obey, we are suppose to start having sex that we were pretty much taught only to use to make children, because its shamful and wrong. If the church would actually stop straying from this topic excpet to say that its wrong and not ask such young girls to make that vow this would never happen ever. You leave so much unknown up to learning for ourselves but that leads to premarital sex as well as sexual shame in marriage. Teach girls that sex is wonderful its amazing that its not only to have kids but a way to profoundly connect to only one person. And thats why you wait. If all you teach is that its sinful and wrong thats a very hard thing for a women to let go of even after they reach the point where its suppose to be ok suddenly because the wedding night the world is spinning life has completly changed from what it was the day before. My marriage ended because i was unable to sleep in the same bed as my husband let alone have sex. Impresional little girls did not read this and begin to fear the wedding night and give up their vow to the church which they never should have been asked to make at such a young age anyway. The things on tv the clothing that they wear that makes them sexual objects, thats what dangerous to those little girls.

  66. I’m choosing to wait, but I’ve always been incredibly afraid of sex. I feel guilt when I even think about it. I wasn’t influenced by a church or by family at all. It’s inside of my own head. I have no idea how I started thinking this way. It’s just been like this for all of my life. I had a boyfriend who wanted me to give it up, but I didn’t. I broke up with him because he was constantly pressuring me. Even if I had wanted to, I would’ve felt guilt. I’m afraid that if I were to ever get married, I would lose my husband because I don’t wanna have sex. I’m terrified of having it. I constantly associate marriage with sex all the time. The only time I associated marriage with love was when I was too young to know what sex was. I’m 19 years old and this girl’s article did not make me change my mind. I have a similar mindset except for the fact I was not influenced by anyone on my decisions.

  67. I think it’s a little unfair to cast hypothetical blame on the woman who wishes she hadn’t waited for influencing others into giving up their virginity. The same argument can be used on blogs that contain ‘triggering’ stories, such as anorexia/self-harm/depression recovery blogs. Yet we wouldn’t judge these people for trying to document their struggle to aid their recovery. Perhaps that’s what this lady was trying to do, perhaps she felt her story could help others. Because of reading it, some people may make the decision to remain a virgin. You just don’t know.

    Some of us are able to read something, consider it, even agree with parts of it, but still have our own mind and make our own decisions.

  68. Tbh, I am engaged and do occasionally have sex. That is my decision, our relationship is permanent and we’re planning our wedding. We take precautions which include condoms and birth control pills – because we don’t want kids at all at this stage of our lives together.

    I’m 22, and I was raised in a protestant family, with a highly religious mother who believed it was best to educate me on various forms of birth control, including abstinence. I always knew where condoms were should I ever need them, but by the time I did need them, I was an 18yr old legally responsible for myself, and this was around the time I moved out and started forging my own life.

    My attitude to sex has changed somewhat as I’ve grown older, as has my attitude to religion, I’m not overly religious, and consider myself agnostic (ie there may or may not be a good) and ultimately I’ve grown to trust my own instincts with regards to my sex life. Should God exist, and should Jesus of Nazareth indeed be his son, then I have no intention of inviting them into my relationship and sex life.

    I don’t believe sex is something between a man and a woman – because I find that attitude incredibly backwards and homophobic.

    Sex is something to be enjoyed, but you shouldn’t just rush into it, sleep around and not be prepared for consequences. Birth control is not 100% condoms are around 99% and my pill around 92% but because of that, if i get pregnant, it happens. I grow up a bit more, have my child, bring it up and face up to the consequences of having sex.

    I don’t need a book to control my moral compass, with the way society has evolved, I find it acceptable to live with my partner before marriage, and experience every aspect of our relationship, because lets be honest, I am marrying the guy.

  69. This is a horrific article and all you are doing is laying more blame at an already devastated human being.

    I am glad her post will reach so many who may take their sexuality into their own hands and make informed decisions.

    How dare you say “you have broken my heart” after reading of her trauma. The selfishness and narcissism in that statement is profound.

    The purity pledge has harmed several people close to me who I love. I never took it but I was forced to pledge no more sex with my boyfriend would be husband and be made pure again by waiting. It pushed us into marriage that became violently abusive.

    Womens sexuality is not a pawn for the church. Rather it is, but it shouldn’t be. No man is profound enough to fundamentally change who a woman is by putting his penis into her. The churches views on sexuality are devastating to so many.

    People should be encouraged to seek what is right for themselves and act on that with clear minds and awareness of their actions. Not have them dictated at such an impressionable age the way this poor woman experienced.

    Stop perpetuating harmful mindsets.

  70. Why on earth does everyone seem to assume that the man with whom a woman loses her virginity but doesn’t ‘spend her life with’ (i.e. isn’t the ‘chosen’ man) is going to leave a woman soiled, used up, ‘spent’? Those feelings of shame are not directly caused by the act of pre-marital sex. Those feelings are caused by the treatment you received from your partner and the negative context of the situation. Likewise, how is it assumed that all pre-marital sex is unprotected and unaccompanied by love? I happened to be 20yrs when I lost my virginity. Not with a man I am married to; not even with a man I am still in a relationship with. But I was in a loving relationship – that we have both moved on from due to personal growth, for which I am grateful – and it just so happened that I lost my virginity in a safe and reassuring environment. I din’t marry him, but I learnt a lot about myself as an individual and my relationship with my own body and sexuality. Sex is just sex. It is not a predicate of the actualisation of your full potential as a person, nor of your ‘ruin’.

  71. I cannot agree with this simply because your post, in comparison to the original, implies that there is a right or wrong choice. The girl who waited gave a very intimate and personal story about someone who in retrospect felt that 10-year-old her (which you never addressed) was too young to make such a huge decision regarding her sexuality and body and that she feels that waiting didn’t work for HER. Your statement reads as some sort of black and white guideline that her message is dangerous because its implying that its okay to have sex before marriage. But in fact the only one telling people what to do is you, which is equally if not more dangerous than her message. In the end something as personal as a persons sexuality (man or woman) should be left to that individual, not you nor her.

  72. “Do you know how many young impressionable girls have read your blog?”

    I just want to shake you and scream, “That’s the point!” I do not necessarily believe you should wait until marriage. I believe you should wait until you find the person you love (and I mean actually love–not some teenage infatuation you misconstrue as love). But that is my BELIEF. It is not fact, it is not something I can or will force upon others. Some people are perfectly okay with hook-ups and casual sex–and more power to ’em!

    I did not wait until marriage. I waited until I found the person I KNEW I would marry. I have no regrets, no shame, no embarrassment, no STD’s, no pregnancy. Waiting until marriage is great, but it should be done for the right reasons. You should wait because you /want/ to, not because the church or your family or friends tell you to and guilt you into it.

  73. Dear Girl Who Didn’t Wait (and others who agree with her stance):
    The most important thing to take away from Girl Who Waited’s story is that we shouldn’t be teaching ANYONE that sex is inherently shameful. As a former Catholic, I have witnessed so many terrible things said about people having sex outside of marriage, and I have also witnessed how incredibly toxic that is to teach young women. (Thank you, Church, my roommate has panic attacks because of your sick doctrine.)
    The best thing that can be done is encourage young people to do what feels right because it’s for them, not because of what church teachings say, or what their partner is pressuring them into. We have such a stigma surrounding sex in our society, and the best way to address the issue of waiting for marriage is not through shame and scare tactics, which LITERALLY ALL THAT RELIGION USES. You see, religion likes to teach that there is only ONE path for you to live, and those who do not follow this path that religion has laid out for you are simply blind and lost. Many people adopt this view. Hell, even I did for a while when I was young. The thing is, though, there is no ‘absolute right’ for everyone. Morality is not universal, and our experiences with sex, intimacy, religion, and relationships are not universal. Losing your virginity is not shameful, but do you know what is? Telling young women that they’re going to feel ashamed when they do choose to have sex with someone they aren’t married to.
    In what was, I’m sure, a very personal piece to write, you fail to acknowledge that other people have different experiences with sex outside of marriage. In spite of my disgusting and manipulative Catholic upbringing, I have had, thus far, a very fulfilled sex life–with someone I will not marry. After I lost my virginity, I did not feel shame or guilt. It was an intimate experience with a person I was close with, and it was wonderful. At the time, our future together was ambiguous, but even if I had the knowledge that we would not end up together, I wouldn’t change my decision for a moment, because I recognize that my self-worth does not hinge on my virginity. I am so much more than the sex I have and the number (and gender!) of my partners. THIS is what we should teach young people–not that their acceptance from their God hinges on them having sex or not.
    Dear Girl Who Didn’t Wait,
    I wish you could go back in time and change your decisions, as they have impacted your past so negatively.
    That being said, I also wish that you would take a step back and realize that your message here is impacting young women JUST as negatively (and in my opinion, more so) than the supposed message from Girl Who Waited.
    Girl Who Didn’t Wait, and is Shamelessly Glad She Didn’t

  74. I’m sorry, if you’re seriously questioning your “vows” of virginity because of a BLOG post, then maybe what you need to be questioning is whether or not those vows have any hold on you.

    There is NOTHING wrong with sex before marriage, sex with multiple partners, sex with the same sex, or any other kind of sex as long as it’s safe and consensual.

    And to answer the person who asked how we’d feel if our kids slept around…I cannot answer for the original poster, but for me, I don’t care, and I would NOT be disgusted. As long as they’re being careful, more power to them.

    Seriously. If a blog makes you question your virginity pledge, then maybe you weren’t all that committed to it in the first place. And that’s perfectly okay.

  75. I walked the “Christian path’ for most of my life. Conclusion;Following “God’s word” is living a life where you’ll never be enough, and living a life filled with guilt. It’s ridiculous and glad I teach my children self respect vs. self shamings that are taught from make believe laws labelled as truth from a ‘higher power’.<thats disgusting.
    Sex is fantastic. No one's business but your own at any rate. we're all different.

    • I’m sorry to hear this, I really am. I feel your pain, but I think somebody or something gave you an image of a God that is not the one described in the Bible. Following Gods word is living a life where you’ll never be enough and living a life filled with guilt? I’m sorry, but I can’t agree with that. I have been ‘following God’s word’, like you phrased it, for the past few years (haven’t always). All that means for me is that I try to live my life the best I can, and it means that when I fail, I know I don’t have to feel guilty because there’s a God that loves me and died for me, so that I would never have to feel guilt. That there’s a God I can always come to when I did something stupid and He wil tell me “Hey, I forgive you, let’s try again.”
      That is the God I believe in, the God of the Bible, not the God you make Him.

      Again, I’m really sorry you think that with God, there can be no self respect, only self shaming, and I’m sorry if the church made you believe a lie like that. If you have time, please read the letter to the Galatians in the New Testament. I’m not trying to convince you of anything, that’s not my job, but please read it and see if you might have a view on God that is not the real Him.

      (Sorry for my English. Not a native speaker.)

    • It is sad that “Girl who wish she didn’t wait” gave her relationship up with Christ for sex because she didn’t know how to fit both of them in her life. I struggled with that as well. I took the vow of purity and broke it. I felt all the same things she did. But that is a maturity thing, and a mental thing. I do blame her church and peers for putting so much meaning and pressure into the vow. It did mess with her head. I can understand where she is coming from, but to completely turn against God, who gave you this wonderful husband is sad. And i am sorry she made that choice.

      However, there is a difference between not saving sex until marriage and just giving it up to someone who doesn’t care. Just because you may choose to not save it for marriage, you can save it for someone who cares and loves you, whether you end up being with them or not. This topic doesn’t have to be so extreme. You don’t either have to save it for marriage or throw it away to someone who doesn’t love you.

      I do feel like sex is a big deal, and should be treasured and treated like quite an ordeal. But it also is such a big deal that it should lead to not having a good sex life even after you’re married. A big part of growing up and becoming yourself, is knowing yourself completely, before you can give yourself to someone else for life. Whether that involves knowing your own sex life before you get married or not is a matter of opinion.

      I think these two articles are just so extreme. Sex isn’t as big of a deal as both parties make it out to be. Its not as awesome and its not as awful.

      • I think you are discounting personal experience, here. Both women experienced their loss of virginity as awful- one before marriage, one on her wedding night. Obviously it doesn’t have to be awful, but it definitely can be.

    • I’m sorry that you feel that living a life according to God’s Word is living a life of guilt and feelings of unworthiness. I find the core and most important theme of God’s Word to be that He sent His Son to this earth to live in our place and die for us.The entire Old Testament tells us a story, full of promises and hope, that leads to Christ’s birth. And the best part is while Jesus was on this earth He lived a perfect life — one that followed every followed every rule and code that we as sinners never could — and then He died. Christ didn’t deserve death, we do, but God allowed him to die in our place. In our place. While we should still try to follow God’s guidelines for our life, like saving ourselves for marriage (after all our Creator is not forcing us to do things without cause, He is looking out for our best interests when creating commands), we don’t have to feel guilty when we don’t measure up, when we fall short. God knows that we are not perfect, and that’s why He sent Jesus. This is called grace. Living in grace is beautiful and freeing as we do not have to do anything but believe that Christ died in our place.

      I think that this speaker does a wonderful job explaining this in this video below, and his videos on his youtube page cover a lot of tough subjects like living in guilt or sexual freedom. Check them out.

    • Mrs. Christie Hello! How are you? well I would like to add a few questions to that i had to you. i myself am a boy at college right now, but i was wondering what you meant by “Christian path” because what i was always thought is that being a “Christian” (not just religiously) is knowing that we are a sinful people and that we can never make it back to God by the “rules” that you or I do that are in the Bible. Besides i was thought that the “rules” that you are speaking of were actually suppose to show that Israelites that they could never make it to God by obeying the “rules” because God was perfect and we are not. I was told that is the whole reason God sent his son in the first place: to live a sinless life and be a sacrifice for the sins of many.
      My name is Paul just like Paul in the Bible and studying about what he wrote about the law/ “rules” he said we are not bounded by the law anymore. for Jesus is the new covenant. We are so do what Jesus told us to do and that is to: (1) Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. and the second is like it (2) To love you neighbor as you do yourself.
      Besides I don’t think God really needs to guilt trip us in to following Jesus because it would not be a free gift of salvation that Jesus brings. and for Sex I don’t know how it is but i know it will be a blessing one day that i will be able to share something special with a special woman, and i think it will really make my future wife know that she is respected and loved because even before i knew her she was worth the wait.
      Your reply is greatly appreciated.

    • If you think that living a CHRISTIAN life is full of guilt you have most definitely been mislead. The whole thing about Christianity is that Christ came and saved us from our sin, he made us clean so we would not have to pay for our sins or feel that guilt. I switched from being Catholic to Lutheran many years ago because the Catholic church does use guilt heavily. But most other Christian religions do not. Don’t give up on God because someone mislead you. Try checking out other religions and reading the New Testament. Just remember if God wanted us to be guilty he would have never sent Jesus down to save us.

    • I am so sorry that you see it that way. You saying that means that you were taught to believe in legalistic ministry. Legalism teaches that the cross is a revelation of our sin and our need for God. It also teaches that God will forgive us of our sins “when” we sin. However, that is not true at all! The cross is a revelation of God’s love! He loved you SO much that He sent His only son to die so that you might live! Christ became sin, so that you could become righteousness! And God will always forgive us “if” we sin! I too was trapped in legalistic ministry. I struggled with pornography for 6 years and constantly beat myself up about it and lived in constant guilt and shame. By the grace of God, I met a group of guys that taught me that what I knew was wrong, and that I didn’t have to live in shame because I am made righteous through God’s grace! I don’t know where you stand with God today, but He still loves you regardless! He treasures you above all things, and He desires to have a relationship with you as a loving father (not a jail warden)! I don’t hope to offend you in any way, but I only hope to be an encouragement! I love you! May God bless you!

    • Living the Christian path is exactly the opposite! You are enough! You are loved! You are precious! The devil makes you feel condemned when you have done something wrong. That is not God. God will convict you, but never condemn. I hope you truly feel Gods love and not just what other people have lied to you about what he is.

    • I am a Biology teacher in a high school. I have never been to the US but have many friends from all over the world. I find the author of this article to have an offensive and insensitive attitude to this girl’s emotional pain. I have helped and supported somebody else recovering from a similar experience and this was also a situation caused by a bunch of overzealous American Christian missionaries. I know that this experience is not representative of all Christian societies in the US, however it was not her church that picked up the pieces of her shattered self worth, it was a complete stranger. Me. I was the first person to actually care about her, despite her being married for 5 years. All I did was ask how she felt, compliment her wittiness and humour and help carry her baggage. Her pathetic ex husband never did those.

      With regards to sex outside marriage, you are extremely ignorant and small minded to think that the American Christian guilt culture is natural. Sex outside of marriage is normal. I am yet unmarried, have a healthy sex life and feel no guilt or shame. The only time people feel shame is when they are being judged, by other people or by themselves. By judging people, you are taking on the role of the biblical creator. His final judgement is the only one that really matters, and to attempt to pass a similar judgement, about sin or sexuality, or divorce etc. is blasphemy. I thought that you Christian types were supposed to avoid doing that.

      Better education (generally, and about sexual health and relationships specifically) is what America needs.

      Many marriages are only held together for the sake of the children and out of fear of how people will judge them if they get divorced. That is the sad reality.

    • Growing up in the church, I also felt guilt for doing the wrong things and felt inadequate when I “sinned”. But that was before I truly realized the love that God has for me. He didn’t die for us because we had done good enough things or because we didn’t sin too much-He died because He loves us and wanted to save us from our sin. He doesn’t want us to live in guilt and shame, but to live knowing that He cares about us enough to die for us. He doesn’t expect us to be perfect when we accept him, but He will make us perfect, if not until we get to Heaven. Do you believe anyone is good enough? Is anyone without flaws? I don’t think so. But “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8. He doesn’t define us by our sin; He defines us by what His son did for us.

    • If you are living a life where you’ll never be enough, and living a life filled with guilt, then you aren’t following God’s Word. Jesus came to free us from those things.

    • Hi Christie, I’m sorry that you feel that way about God’s word. But in fact, I think you’re missing the point. The point of God’s word is to show incredible love and grace through Jesus. Without that, we’d all be trying to live up to an insane standard. Jesus paid it all; it means we need to try to live for Him, live in the Spirit, and live in GRACE. We are not good enough (we don’t need to feel guilty for that…it’s simply how we are), but Jesus is enough. And because of Him, we’re ok in God’s eyes. You are enough. :) God does not want you to feel guilty. He wants you to be loved.

    • I’m not trying to be disrespectful or start a flame war.

      However, I think you are wrong. Following God’s Word isn’t about not being enough. The opposite. Knowing the love of Jesus Christ is the most freeing feeling in the world. I’m 19. I have my own problems, trials, and dreams. But what I see around me, how I see God is guiding my path, It’s incredible.

      Sex may be incredible, I wouldn’t know. What I do know is this. American culture oozes it out, makes it seem like it’s no big deal, easy as eating and sleeping. But then as soon as someone gets caught, America turns on them, calls them sluts. Especially as teens. Why are sex scandals and sex tapes such a big deal? Why is sleeping with a bunch of men at once a big deal? If sex is no big deal, why do people slut shame?

      I have an fb friend who literally talks about sex in almost every update. Not joking. But his latest status update? Showing a picture of a woman’s butt, saying it was a fb friend of his’s new profile picture. Said she had no respect for herself and he was deleting her. This guy basically says he has sex all the time, and yet a girl showing her butt is wrong? How can a woman be “too easy” when it comes to sex?

      I’m waiting till marriage, because I see what the American culture has to offer, and I don’t like it. Sure, there are times where I feel I want to do something against God. And sometimes I do. But most of those times, I regret it. Not because of shame, but because I find out why I shouldn’t have done it. God knows what He is doing, He wants the best for us. I don’t feel held back. I feel like I’m protected and loved. I’m sorry you don’t feel the same.

    • I’m sorry that you’ve payed the price for others giving you bad “Christian” advice. Christianity is not about feeling shameful – shame is not what God wants for us. He is about just the opposite, being set free and given a clean slate and a new identity. The Bible says God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. He didn’t humble himself to come down to our level so we can feel guilty about how we can never give Him as much as He gave us. The truth is, yeah, we will never be good enough – to earn our spot in heaven. But to have love and self-worth? God never stopped loving us for falling short; in fact, his death and resurrection was a display of His love toward those who rejected Him. He calls us beautiful, and we will always be “good enough” to be loved by Him, because God would be stupid to pay the price of torture and death for someone He didn’t think was worth saving.

    • The thing about you saying that God’s word is living a life where you’ll never be enough is somewhat true. If you look at God’s word in the wrong context, it will seem that it is just a bunch of rules to follow. The thing is, when you realize that, that is why Jesus came down and died for us in our sins. Christianity is not about being better and being a better person. It is about the relationship that you can have with Christ where he wants you just as you are. See Religion is men pursuing God where true Christianity is God pursuing men.

    • “Following God’s Word is living a life where you’ll never be enough, and living a life filled with guilt.”
      This is true if that is the place you stop. Reading the Word of God is supposed to convict you by showing you that you don’t measure up and that in yourself you will NEVER, even with your greatest attempts, measure up to God’s standard! His standard is absolute perfection and we’ve all fallen short of it. The only way we can live without guilt is when we surrender to God and are found in Jesus by faith. Jesus is the only standard of righteousness that God will accept. That is why He came to die in our place so that by Him taking the penalty (death) for our sin and rising again we can now trust in Him and have His righteousness credited to our account. This is the beauty of the Gospel (Good News) of God’s mercy and grace; He is a just and righteous God and His standard is perfection but He made a way for us to come back into relationship with Him and live free of guilt. We do this by living everyday in faith, knowing that we don’t measure up but we are in Him and therefore seen by God as righteous.

      “For He made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.”
      – 2 Corinthians 5:21

      “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
      – 1 John 1:9

      “Once we, too, were foolish and disobedient. We were misled by others and became slaves to many wicked desires and evil pleasures. Our lives were full of evil and envy. We hated others, and they hated us. But then God our Savior showed us his kindness and love. He saved us, not because of the good things we did, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins and gave us a new life through the Holy Spirit. He generously poured out the Spirit upon us because of what Jesus Christ our Savior did. He declared us not guilty because of his great kindness. And now we know that we will inherit eternal life.”
      – Titus 3:3-7

  76. My warning would be to guide and protect your children while you have them in your guidance (hopefully till 18). If you leave this critical part of their development to themselves, it will leave them extraordinarily vulnerable. I brain studies we know today their frontal lobes for making wise decisions is not developed fully till 25 years of age. Sadly they may come back at mid-life in pain and sorrow and ask you, as a senior citizen, why you did not step in to aid and protect them in their vulnerable. I say this because this is my reality and I wonder why my father did not step in to protect my honor when a grown man committed statutory rape against me over a five month period at a tender age of 14-15. The sadness has lasted me for 25 years and produced extremely unhealthy and concerning issues in behavior because of the treatment I faced in high school. I am committed now to advocacy against statutory rape laws. They are good and right and you would be abide by them as parents to your own honor and for love for your children.

      • I would really like to know where you got this information from “”I brain studies we know today their frontal lobes for making wise decisions is not developed fully till 25 years of age. “”

        Also Sex is a private matter belonging to 2 individuals, who, hopefully have been provided the proper guidance by their parents/ guardians. Not the church or any other institution. If they are at an age that the law permits intercourses, it is no one’s business but theirs to go ahead with it!

  77. I’m a girl who waited and I’m glad I did. I don’t have any of the same reasons people are throwing around in this discussion. I did not wait because I would feel used up if I lost my virginity or less than worthy of love if I didn’t wait. I didn’t even wait because I felt my future husband deserved to have a wife who waited. (I’m not saying he didn’t deserve that, just that its not what my reasoning was behind my decision). I have friends who didn’t wait and they were able to overcome all of these issues in their eventual marriages. It wasn’t easy to wait and I had a couple of close calls. I was encouraged to wait by people in my life but never shamed or intimidated into it like some people might be. I waited for one reason, OBEDIENCE. It is the only real reason to wait that worked for me. If you’re arguing about whether waiting or not waiting is better for making an individual feel good you’ll never get anywhere because everyone is different. If you’re arguing with non-believers you’ll also get nowhere. God instructs us to wait and that’s what we need to do. Whether its hard or not. Most of the time waiting is followed by a wonderful sexual relationship within marriage. The person who wrote that first article has a sad story but it is not the norm. She was messed up by good-intentioned people trying to make her wait for the wrong reasons. Its all about obedience. God will help you through the waiting part if you call on Him.

    • good and true. Christians don’t wait because they think “it’s better”, christians wait because God says it’s better. We don’t need to be able to rationalise it (in fact, being able to rationalise something may actually come under our corrupted reasoning and could be bad). The main thing is whether you love God as God, or love anything else that is less and therefore selling yourself short. Thanks for a faithful response :)

    • OBEDIENCE – otherwise known as subservience…. So, God gave us free will… the moment we use it for something he doesn’t like.. we’re punished?

      Sounds really reasonable. Where do I sign up?

    • My personal opinion is simply each woman is different with different life circumstances and is entitled to make their own life choices and there for experience each woman’s own personalised journey whether pleasant or un pleasant. ( Of course with the huge exception of criminal sexual acts!!!!) It is great Topic for woman to discuss for the value of one’s own self belief base but in no way should one woman impede her own life experiences on another in a way to affect another’s clarity, confidence or expectation of their own choices being made and upheld.

  78. What bugs me about all this pressure of equating virginity with purity and self worth, is that there is a double standard for men AND if a woman/girl who has taken this pledge gets raped before they get married, it’s 100 times more devastating if your primary self worth is tied to your virginity. It is absolutely heart breaking to see a beautiful, intelligent young woman feel worthless, and that she will never be able to give her future husband the thing she feels is her only value, being a virgin. I would never wish that on my worst enemy. I believe all women are different, but maybe we should be teaching young women to make good decisions instead of shaming them about not being able to live up to biblical ideals. I have also known several women who waited, and thought they had married nice christian men, who actually turned out to be very abusive husbands, who used the guilt and shame their wives felt over sex to control them even more. The original article, the writer was very lucky to have a feminist husband who was horrified when he found out that she let him have sex with her even though she hated it…a lot of husbands really wouldn’t care, and would not help her get the help she needed.

      • What makes you think everyone has to answer to your beliefs?

        Few stay virgin until they are married. I wouldn’t encourage either choice as I think it is up to the individual to choose. Both choices have good and bad sides. Personally I feel that staying virgin until eventual marriage has more downsides than upsides, but that’s me.

    • I am sorry for whatever experiences you’ve had to form your world view, but it is inaccurate. Using people as the reason why God is a certain way, is not necessarily representative of God…even if they say that it is. Saying, from your experience, certain husbands have been abusive, and certain Christians have a double standard, is just that…your experience. It’s a valid experience, but one experience does not equal every experience. And opinions about the bible do not necessarily equal accuracy of the bible. And rape is not limited to women. Here’s the truth according to scripture: God calls everyone to: first, repent and come to know him, and second, live in his empowering grace/freedom to be like Christ. If the first does not happen, then the second is just going through the motions of something you don’t really believe anyway. So it’s moot. If the first happens, but you miss the second…grace, then you don’t understand what it means to live in Christ. “There is no condemnation for those who are in Chris Jesus.” If someone says a man can sin and a woman can’t, just walk away. That’s ridiculous. But worse, if someone says that a Christian is defined by anything other than Jesus’ finished work on the cross and perfect record he credits to us when we believe, which they don’t deserve every moment they breath, they don’t understand what it means to be a Christian. We are all called to live holy and pure (sexually and otherwise), but we also all fail daily at it. This is why Christ covers sins past, present, and future…men and women alike.

      And to the person saying Christianity is about guit and shame, you are also incorrect. It begins there, and should it lead you to the cross, it will die there as He did. Guilt, shame, blame, fear, etc. Have been paid for and done away with. Do we deserve it, no! But should this lead you to dwell in your shortcomings? No! It should remind you that Christ died for us when we were sinners (or even slightly imperfect) (Rom.5:8). Or to put it another way, he saw you and me as worth dying for when we really weren’t. Which means we are worthy of love only because he says we are, not because we made ourselves worthy enough. That should make you live in total freedom of that guilt and in joy of such great love. No self acceptance or believing in ones-self will ever bring the value of total and complete removal of all our wrongs, and replaced by a total and complete sinless identity. Clean as Jesus is clean.

      And therefore, as the original writer of this post shared, whether you have sex with one person you shouldn’t have, or 100,… in Christ, never dirty…always clean. What you choose to do with a completely clean and beloved identity (should you accept it) not rapped up in your mistakes, is entirely up to you. But may it never be that you allow unloving shame-based-gospel sharing so-called-Christians paint an image of Christ for you. That is not the living Jesus. It is their own concocted fairytale. Our greatest trial in this world is to accept who Jesus really is, not who we want him to be. Luckily that’s the one who is the most for us and the only one that actually exists.

    • You are assuming that everyone who waits until marriage to lose their virginity have their virginity as their primary identity. That is not biblical. If you are a Christian, your primary identity should be that you’re a Christian. Clearly you are not a Christian, so you will probably not understand what I am about to say. If no one else, God keeps people accountable for their sins, hence the shame. Someone without shame can potentially be quite dangerous. Focusing on shame is however not the point. God forgives my sins because Jesus died for me. Jesus took the shame and the sin. I don’t have to try and be good enough. I know that I can’t. We teach our children to apologize for bad things that they do. Is that wrong? Are they ashamed? I hope they are because that’s how they learn, but I also hope that their shame doesn’t cause them to lose all hope. I am also offended that you said “a lot of husbands really wouldn’t care, and would not help her get the help she needed.” You fail to address that there are good men out there for good women other than the “lucky” ones.

    • Good point. I know a woman who was raised this way, date raped, and then married the guy because she’d always been determined that she would only have sex with the man she married. He ended up being viciously abusive, to her and her kids. She did leave him after he sexually abused them. Obviously, not everyone’s story will turn out this way, but see how these teachings blinded her to wise decision making about who to marry?

  79. When both partners wait to have sex until marriage, there are no surprise pregnancies, no cervical cancer (says CDC) or STD’s. Enough said.

    • Cervical cancer has nothing to do with premarital sex. You could get it as a virgin, a married woman who has only had one partner, a woman who has had a hundred partners, a lesbian, any woman who has ever lived.

      • cervical cancer, in many cases, has to do with hpv and hpv is an std, the more partners you have the greater the risk for contracted hpv and all other std’s, therefore the greater the risk for cervical cancer. they absolutely are linked.

        • HPV can cause an STI that can develop into an STD depending on the strain and treatment. You are spreading incorrect information.

        • I wanted to make a comment on the info regarding HPV. Yes, you can contract it through people who have many partners but it is also been found to show positive in couples who have been monogamous. Which in turn causes a trust issue even though the partners have been faithful.

      • Actually it does if you contract HPV you have a higher risk of contracting cervical cancer. Pre marital sex isnt the CAUSE of cervical cancer but certain STDS do increase your risk of contracting cervical cancer just like smoking cigerettes can lead to lung cancer in the future.

      • Ridiculous comment. Virtually all cervical cancers are a result of hpv which is almost always transmitted sexually. To say that it is unrelated to premarital sex is very wrong.

    • The physical part of a marriage is very important. There is no way I would ever–or encourage my children to ever–wait until marriage before having sex. Sexual compatibility is just as important to determine as all the other compatibilities that are necessary for a successful long-term relationship. I wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it. I certainly wouldn’t marry a man without knowing we are compatible in ALL ways. I value marriage as an institution too much to not go into it fully aware.

    • Surprise pregnancy and STD’s can still occur in a marriage. Just because a couple is married doesn’t mean they instantly want children, and birth control can fail whether you’re married or not.

      As for STD’s some of them you can catch from simply kissing someone (herpes) and some you can be born with (HIV/AIDs). Marriage is not an instant complete preventative for all the things that can go wrong with sex.

  80. Here’s my problem with the article-every woman is different. I grew up with girls who were raised in very strict religious homes. Some did have sexual complexes,and equated their self worth to their virginity. Some did not,and went on to enjoy a happy sex life with their husbands as you do. Some girls had sex before marriage. Some felt dirty as you did. Some did not. Some women have sex before marriage with a man who they have been in a long term relationship with and can trust. Some do it because they are attracted to the person and feel comfortable enough to have sex for pleasure with a man they don’t know very well. Why is it so hard to believe that some women can participate in one night stands just as men do because they enjoy sex , not because they are trying “fill a void”.Some girls are different and can walk away with no strings attached.Unless you’ve talked to every woman who has had pre-marital sex,you have no idea if they are lying or not. I just st find this article to be generalizing that all circumstances of pre-marital sex leaves you feeling worthless and ashamed,when truly you can have sex before marriage with someone you love and not regret it. Every woman should be able to make her own choice in regard to her virginity-what works for you doesn’t always work for someone else. I’m sorry to be critical but I just see you generalizing due to your first sexual experience.

      • Hear! Hear!
        Sex is, and should always be, between two (or more) CONSENTING people.
        Avoid regrets and guilt about it and everything will be fine regardless of whether you waited or not.

    • I fully agree and this was my main issue with this article. The original article summed it up very well in my opinion, it left no need for this over-generalizing and defensive article. The author said (roughly) ‘make the decision because you want to for yourself’.

      It is absolutely not true that any woman who slept without their lifetime partner (let alone husband) had guilt or regret over it! My wife and I were Christians. We lost our virginity to each other before being married, and eventually married sooner than we would have after feeling pressured because of our sexual activity. Later my wife discovered she was also attracted to women. She long denied those feelings because she was taught they were unnatural and wrong. Fortunately, both of us are very intelligent, we understand the science of human sexuality and attraction and recognized and accepted those feelings rather than fear and repress them. What could ruin a marriage, hating oneself and trying to hide your true feelings, was accepted and grew our love and we both were able to achieve happiness from it.

      I applaud the original author for recognizing her sexuality. I applaud those that can accept it and don’t make sex about pleasing anyone else. Regardless of who you have sex with, it should be done safely anyway! STDs and unwanted pregnancy don’t occur because of having sex with an unwed partner, it happens because of a lack of safety. That equates to denying anyone access to the country to prevent the spread of Ebola. The source of the problem is the sick people and the safety measures taken to contain them.

      I don’t have an issue with your religion or personal choices regardless of who you are or what those are. Only the girl or guy making the decision can decide whether they are making the decision to have sex with someone because they want to for themselves, though. No one has to lie to themselves to enjoy their bodies and sexuality. Don’t fear for those girls who read these articles and make choices for themselves, because it is what they are comfortable with! If a girl wants to save herself for religious reasons, she will. No matter what she reads on Facebook. If reading that article makes them ‘stray’, the concept is probably a form of controlling their sexuality anyway. Give them all the information and they can make their own guilt-free decisions.

  81. very good and sensitive reply… the following point is especially something to remember for everyone:

    “Please consider that somewhere tonight a young (or not so young) girl made the decision to give up her virginity to someone who didn’t deserve it, won’t appreciate it, and won’t be there in the morning to hold her through the shame…at least you had a husband to wake up with.”

    one more thing: if sex is awkward when you do it the first time in your honeymoon, how much more awkward is it if you do it the first time with someone as described above…?

    • Yes, but at least your husband loves you. The other person probably won’t “appreciate it”. Many men in this day and age think that if you’re dating them you have to have sex with them and so they probably won’t appreciate it at all.

  82. in your last paragraph are you suggesting that marriage shouldn’t be between man and man or woman and woman?
    Also, if you took the time to read the article like I have, you would realize that she isn’t saying don’t be a virgin until marriage she is saying, don’t do that if it’s not for yourself. She did it for her church and to make her parents proud and she tells us that we shouldn’t do that.

  83. My first time was with a young man that I started dating when I was 15. He was a decent enough guy. Treated me nicely, got me flowers on Valentines day, all that stuff. And I was very, very fond of him. We dated for almost 4 years and I thought I was in love with him. But as a teenager the concept of that kind of love was still very abstract. When we had sex, it was sort of awkward. We didn’t ‘click’ or have chemistry. About 6 months later, we broke up due to me moving away for school, and I thought of him as ‘my first love,” and was sad, but knew it was the right decision. It was very sweet; we were kids together, and I’ll always have a bit of a soft spot for him because of that.

    The next man I dated after that was very different. Falling in love with him was like getting hit with a falling piano. It was the kind of “I can’t stop thinking about him” love that they talk about in the movies. We were smitten. We were “that couple”, and we were completely, obnoxiously, in love. When we made love for the first time, it was the kind of beautiful, emotionally charged moment that everyone hopes their first time will be like. But it was not my first time.

    The point of my comment is this: My first time having sex did not in ANY way diminish or change the power of the second time. If anything, it made it better, removed some of the anxiety and uncertainty so I could concentrate on my partner. Losing my virginity did not ruin me, nor did it rob me of the experience of connecting with someone for the first time. My first time with my second boyfriend was still just as special.

    Now, both of these men were not right for me in the end, for very different reasons. If I had made the decision to save myself for marriage, I would not have the benefit of either connection — the sweet innocent explorations of my youth OR the more passionate, fiery experience of real love. And even though I’m no longer with either of these men, I think that would still be a loss to me because these were intense experiences that helped to shape me as a person and as a romantic partner. I would not wish to have missed any of them.

    Losing my virginity to some sweet young boy that I cared for (but was not in love with) did not ruin the first time I made love. That first love did not diminish the more playful, casual relationships that followed, or the second time I fell in love after that, with my current boyfriend. He’s had experiences, I’ve had experiences, it’s all part of the mosaic that makes up our lives. Sex isn’t just one of two things — either degrading or enlightening — it’s a whole variety of experiences and connections that make up a life, and I wouldn’t wish to deprive myself — or him — of all those beautiful moments and connections.

    But I’ll tell you this much: I am SO GLAD I did not marry the boy from my adolescence in a mistaken belief that I was in love. Having sex with him was part of what helped me figure out that I wasn’t.

    So when you say, essentially, “don’t tell your story because some girl might read it and it might inform her decisions about her own virginity” I hope you see why I take issue with that. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions about their bodies, but they should be informed decisions — untainted by idealization, fantasy, or shame. Her story gives one view on the idea of virginity; so does mine and so does yours. And I trust young women to use these stories to make the decisions that are best for them. Your unhappy first time does not guarantee that theirs will be.

    • I’m sorry, but as a mom, if my daughter had a boyfriend who told me his “innocent explorations” of her body included them having sex, I would not take it as lightly as you have. Saying sex is a “variety of experiences and connections that make up a life” is a little ironic, because it was indeed designed to “make up a life,” but I don’t think that’s what you meant. Sex is meant for marriage, period. Denying that or not feeling the shame that should come with denying that doesn’t make it untrue. People who have managed to deny what conscience and thousands of years of social experience tells them shouldn’t share their stories as if they are proof that truth can be ignored with no consequences. It’s not fair to the young people who may read them, follow their advice, not be so “lucky” afterwards.

      • You frame your whole objection around “some boy’s idea of innocient explorations” as though I am not a person with a brain and a sex drive. If you really want to know, in this particular case I was the one waiting for HIM to be ready, for two and a half years. This idea in your head about premarital sex always happening because the dastardly young man tricks or pressures the innocent young girl into having sex is completely false.

        All the other stuff about how chaste monogamy is naturally the way to be is actually false — it is enforced by certain religions, but human societies across the world going back in history have used a wide variety of family structures, and serial monogamy is very common. It works just fine if, for example, you live in a tribe where children are raised together as a village (as we lived for most of human history) And it works just fine if, as we do in the modern era, you have condoms.

        As for shame… that’s your perspective on sex, not mine. Your religious tradition is your business, but don’t try to shame me for not sharing it. I can promise you, it won’t work anyway.

        • Yes. This. Thank you. Thank you! What you say here- “This idea in your head about premarital sex always happening because the dastardly young man tricks or pressures the innocent young girl into having sex is completely false.” is amazing. I wish more people realized this simply wasn’t true.

      • Sex is not just for marriage.

        Sex is meant for two consenting adults, even if they have just met two hours ago, are of the same sex, or have been married 10 years. There is no difference.

      • I don’t ever feel ashamed after I have sex with my children’s father. We’re not married. In fact, I think it is beautiful when we make love.

    • Discord, Your comment could not be more perfect. You are so right! And reading this has made me feel better about myself and my experiences as a young woman. Thank you.

    • I would have to agree with you! When I lost my virginity it was because I was “tricked” into doing it, but do I regret it… no. Mainly because I wouldn’t have my handsome son and beautiful twin girls had I have waited until I was married to lose my virginity. As a mother of 2 girls… Do I want them to lose their virginity before they are married… No. But that is for them to decide for themselves when they get to that stage in life. Which will be a while because they are only 3 years old. I will try to teach them not to let guys take advantage of them but their sex life will be their business not mine.

      • Amen! I had taken this same pledge when I was ten. But when I turned 18, I did have sex. Great guy, but six months later, I wasn’t his type, or something. But I am glad I had the experience! I did love him, he just didn’t love me. The man i am with now, is the one I plan on marrying. He is amazing in every way! But he is the third man I have been with. Why am I telling you this? I do not know haha I’m just happy with my life and my decisions. At times, I do regret having sex the first time, but other times I’m very happy I was able to experience it. It was my decision and my choice. It was between me, my boyfriend, and God. Not anyone else.
        I may have told you all a lot, but either way it was my decision.

    • In a world that trying so hard to shame women of my generation for enjoy sex at an unmarried age, your post fills me with hope. Not because I’ve finally found someone who follows my ethos or anything like that, but because there are people who think that religion and sex can coexist, and teach their children how to practice sex safely, and not in an ‘all or nothing’ arrangement.

  84. This is a well-written response to the other blog post, which I also read with a sad heart. Whoever wrote it has a drastically skewed interpretation of what the Bible actually says about sex and biblical marriage. Having a blessed marriage has less to do with keeping or losing one’s virginity and more to do with the motivations of the heart. One doesn’t get sent to hell for having sex outside of marriage. One goes to hell for denying a relationship with Jesus Christ. The Bible couldn’t be more clear about this. It’s about the heart, not actions. And even at 10 years old it’s easy to see where this author’s heart wasn’t right. Living all those years with such a skewed world view, it’s no wonder she developed a paranoia about sex. I feel sorry for her. Because when sex is handled the way God intended there are HUGE blessings. Sadly, this author misses the point from the get-go. (srry, just my opinion.)

    • But it isn’t her misinterpretation is not her fault. It’s the fault of the church she was raised in and the people who taught her. The original post was to expose the problems with the church as an organization, not a problem with God. There is nothing wrong with God or what He intended. However, there are a lot of things wrong with the way many of His followers choose to present His word, and that leads to tragic situations, like that of the author of the original post.

  85. I read the original blog and I do agree where she’s coming from, but I disagree with her conclusion about sex in general. I don’t remember exactly if she has a relationship with Jesus but I know that feeling of a pure and holy Christian is only possible if we follow a bunch of rules. That is not the way Christ taught us. Please read Galatians because Paul had to deal with those who are adding laws to Christ, and this is the problem with the church, adding laws to Christ.

    I grew up in a church just like many other churches: follow rules (my way or the high way). I left and found a different church that lived out their intimacy with Jesus. Intimacy with Jesus that leads to freedom, life, and “living waters”. I can now see the difference between following Jesus and following Religion, and I don’t see my faith as a bunch of rules anymore but rather my obedience to Jesus. Yes, I am still that woman with hormones raging through my body and yes, I am still tempted to fall into that trap of rules-I need to do this or that on my own effort. However, It is not done by human effort but rather the Holy Spirit who works in us and will be the person to guide, walk, and counsel us. If we profess that Jesus is our Lord (not many Christians live as if they don’t have a Lord) and Savior (too many Christians only believe this part), then we need to be obedient in what he called us. God’s will for us is to abstain from sexuality immorality (clearly written in the Scripture), and to say that we should “do what makes us happy” is clearly a red flag that Jesus is not the Lord of our life.

    Now my response to this blog. While I agree with the author on many levels and understand her intention, I feel that the way she is trying to get her message across is poorly written. Proving her point by using herself as an example (which is fine) but not the best logic to reason with those who are confuse (or not sure with what Scripture has to say). Honestly, the message was not written in love in a way that someone like the original poster would sense compassion. I know I didn’t. I see the intention of encouraging women like you and me to live a life for the Lord, to live in freedom, but firstly we need to understand that our worth does not come from our virginity. It comes from Jesus. It comes from knowing who he is in our life and it will go from there. It’s not easy but the journey is worth it.

  86. I believe that your verginity is your verginity. The way you lose it, is your chose. You can either wait for marriage or not, but don’t read these articals and diside because that’s what happened to them, not you. It could be different, you could have a bad experience or a good one but don’t think that what happened to them will happen to you.

  87. Please don’t discount other’s feelings of shame. She doesn’t need to feel more shame for feeling shameful about sex. Everyone’s experience surrounding sex is individual, that’s what makes it beautiful. Her feelings are her feelings to feel.

  88. Thank you responding to this heart breaking entry! I just as you sat in tears as I read the intial post. I feared for so many just as you did. Thank you for making a voice from the other side! I pray these words will pierce the hearts and change the minds of those who have read both articles.

  89. This article is comparing apples to oranges. The woman in the original article is talking about losing her virginity to the man she loved and dated for 6 years and who loved her, while you’re talking about losing it to someone you didn’t love and didn’t date for 6 years and who didn’t love you. These are two totally different situations. No matter whether it’s the first, second, or hundredth time you’re having sex, no matter whether you’re married or not, doing it with someone who doesn’t care about you or respect you will feel disgusting compared to doing it with someone who does love you.

    Virginity can be precious even without saving it for marriage. The point is saving it for someone you trust and love; it doesn’t matter whether you’re married or not. The ceremony is just a ceremony; the contract is just a contract. The important thing is the connection and the love and the care. I lost my virginity to someone I loved very much, who respected me and my innocence and handled me with care. I don’t regret it, and I’m glad he was my first. If I end up dating someone who doesn’t like it, then we have serious differences in priorities and values, and we probably shouldn’t marry.

    • Hi Elyse,

      Perhaps I should have been more clear. You assumed that because I felt shame, hurt, and lonliness that I was with someone who was casual and not in a standing relationship with. Not only were we in a long standing relationship, but we had spoken of the future and were staples in each others families and lives. I did trust him. He abused that trust and my feelings. While I was responsible for the decisions I chose to make, I was not responsible for his actions toward me. I am sorry I was not clear and that caused you to misunderstand.

      • But that’s still a different situation than the one the original article discussed. You’re still talking about your first time being unfortunate because it was with an unworthy man who didn’t treat you right. By all accounts, the original writer’s husband seems to treat her very well. It’s still two very different situations. She regrets her first time because all the antcipation and baggage that was put on her virginity made it a fraught and unhappy experience. You regret yours because it was with a man who betrayed you. Still apples and oranges.

      • But whom you also said you didn’t love. Elyse said you were comparing a loving relationship to a non loving one (ie apples to oranges). While you may have been in “long standing relationship” you stated in your article you “felt that way with someone who you didn’t love and didn’t love you.” Maybe it you’re referring to two different situations/possible men. But Elyse didn’t “assume” anything, she clearly re-iterated what you previously stated. Not that I’m trying to say you can’t have a caring relationship with or without love that someone can later disregard your feelings about, but I’m just agreeing with Elyse in noting that they are in fact different situations.

  90. To whom it may concern (This is simply me sharing my testimony and challenging my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ)

    I grew up knowing that Sex was a special bond for marriage, but never understood the gravity of it. I was raised in a christian home and for a lot of years I CLAIMED to be a follower of Christ, that was until I hit college…. I had never been on my own, and had never really understood what it actually meant to be a christian, so naturally I threw all my inhibitions to the wind! I chose to lose my virginity when I was 20, due to a drunken one night stand. To say I felt stupid, dirty, and guilty is an understatement. Although at the time I told myself it was normal and okay, and after all everyone was doing it, so live and let live right?! From there on out I had several more one night stands, each and every time feeling full of guilt and shame but justifying my actions by what the world around me deemed acceptable. Eventually I tuned out all feelings of regret, and became a cold hollow shell so to speak.

    A little ways down the road I found myself in a serious relationship, and having sex with my girlfriend on a regular basis. During the relationship I began to feel convicted about the sex I was having and how I was ruining this girls idea of what it means to be loved. I knew I was not in love with her, but simply infatuated. I began going back to the basics of who God wanted me to be, how to actually live a Christ centered life, and that REAL relationships of true love were Christ centered! I soon came to realize that what I had considered innocent fun, having sex with multiple partners and sex with my GF was also ruining my idea of what a real relationship was all about and all that guilt and shame I had trained myself to tune out came creeping back! I told my girlfriend at the time that we had to stop having sex and she disagreed. I ended up breaking it off with her because we couldn’t see eye to eye and she resented me. I don’t blame her one bit because we shared a bond that God created specifically for marriage, and the pains of abusing that left deep wounds for her and I both.

    That was a year and a half ago I gave it all to God and I’am 24 now and have since then become a born again christian, also renewing my vows to save myself for the woman that I marry someday, and that is ONLY by the grace of God!

    For all those who have held out and waited. Keep waiting, I swear it’s worth it. And for all those who haven’t and claim it doesn’t affect you. Take a deeper look into your relationship with Christ and you might be surprised to find what it truly means to be intimate.

  91. To the first comment I do believe virginity can be most precious. Your may take time, but you can love again – virginity is once and only once. And I always think that ones personal-virginity is the only thing you can give that another female can not. Thanks for the article savannah- I Love it and support it. I also did true love waits and it was a starter – as I got older it got harder to wait but I came up with diff motivations like I want to wear white and wear it BC of its idea of purity-not just tradition. Then I also decided I’d wait so I could hold my cousins and one day my kids accountable. Now at 32 its extremely hard waiting, but I’m still motivated. Reading your article helps motivate me to continue a little longer. thanks. PS..if a man truly loves the woman -why is he willing to risk her whole future ?

  92. There’s a serious middle ground missing between “Girl who Waited” and “Girl who wished she waited.” I did not marry as a virgin. But that doesn’t mean I had a string of meaningless sexual partners before my spouse. I lost my virginity at 18 to a guy who I was in love with. I have no regrets. I slept with my now husband before we married. No regrets. My point is, I feel your virginity can still be considered a valuable thing without having to hold out for the honeymoon night. Sex can be meaningful without a piece of paper signed by clergy/a judge/whatever. So to aforementioned impressionable teen girls: If you find yourself waiting until marriage, wonderful. If you don’t feel you can do it, make sure the loss of your virginity has meaning and value. LOVE the one your with. Don’t lose it because a guy is hot, or you’re building some kind of reputation. And for crying out loud, be safe regardless! But in the end, there’s more than just these two ends of the pendulum.

    • I agree with you that love and mutual respect are the things that truly bond a couple together, not the ceremony or contract. But just because it worked out for you doesn’t mean it will for everyone. I would venture to say that two people making the choice to commit their entire lives to one another is the only way you can really know that the other person is as committed and dedicated as you are. The secular belief that you just have to find someone you really care about is so deceiving and dangerous, and it leads so many to take that very serious decision far too lightly. As humans we never know a person’s deepest desires and motives, and even if you think they are so in love with you you never truly know. So that’s why I think waiting is the best option, and if they really do love you they won’t mind waiting and making the commitment of marriage before getting in bed with you.

      • I agree that the secular belief that waiting till you find someone you love is not always the answer. But that doesn’t mean that doing just that is wrong either. Just because it DID’NT work for someone doesn’t mean it won’t for someone else. “As humans, we never know a person’s deepest desires and motives,” and whether that person is marrying you or not that can still be true. Telling young girls, and boys, that sex is dangerous is itself dangerous. Sex is wonderful and if you have a committed relationship, are married, or have made the mature decision to have se, then that is your own personal decision. Respect and love is the key to any relationship, respecting any decision your partner may have made in the past, and loving them despite what you disagree with.

    • For a christian there is no middle ground. There is either obedience to God, or disobedience. The only way a christian can have meaning in losing their virginity is in the way God has set. By giving themselves ever to only one person. Not one person at a time, but one person their entire life.(Unless one of them dies) Though losing ones virginity is only one of many sexual sins that a christian is to avoid.
      If you are not of a faith that believed sexual sin is to be avoided, then it is pointless to debate the importance of remaining a virgin until marriage with someone that is of a faith.

    • Marriage isn’t a signed piece of paper. It is a sacred contract between a man and a woman which is blessed by GOD. The paper document is just a figment of man’s judicial system to keep track of worldly wealth…..

    • I’m a 16 year old Christian, and a virgin. I read the article by the Girl Who Waited and Wishes She Didn’t yesterday. It made me, so sad to hear about the lies she had been believing. It didn’t change my choice to wait, but it made me mad to read some of the comments. Other Christians were blaming her and being very rude. It blessed me to read your post, because it was done out of love not a desire to shame the other person. Thank you for being a Christian who practices what they preach. :)

  93. Welcome to the New World Order. There is no God but you. And also you, and you, and you, and you over there. Come to think of it, we’re all Gods, knowing good from evil just like the snake said.

    There is only one Truth, the Truth that there is no Truth besides what you (as God) declare to be Truth. Others may disagree, your mileage may vary, prices and participation may vary.

    There is no sin besides the sin of saying there is such a thing as sin. None of us are sinners, except those who insist on being so gauche as to point out sin. We shun these people as sinners because we love them. In time they will learn, or else be destroyed. This is the true meaning of grace.

    And sex? Sex is nothing but a biological act, consisting of nothing but physical sensation, endorphines, and the sure and certain knowledge that whatever acts you are choosing to commit, with whoever, wherever, whenever, and for whatever personal self-interest, are as meaningless as the steaming pile of fecal matter left on a wide expanse of the African savannah by a hyena that has recently consumed a diseased lizard.

    Are you happy? Your ordered Happy, right? Let me put you on hold while I consult our records.

    • I completely agree with your beliefs. The ‘mighty powerful god’ which exists to the christian population only exists because they say so… Doesn’t anyone else find that to be full of flaws?

      According to Christian Philosophers, the PKG god (all powerful, all knowing and all good) is supposedly all of these things. But if human beings are simply creating this deity and its ‘gifts’, then they are infact taking away the notion of god being all powerful.

  94. This post bugs me. You aren’t a virgin. I wasn’t either. I don’t want to throw out a bunch of attacks, because I think that you’re truly trying to help. But I, for instance, never suffered one negative consequence of having premarital sex. I wouldn’t be the same person I am today, and I am able to be sexually experienced for my husband. After reading the Bible more thoroughly, on a MORAL basis, I think God likes monogamy more. I would have waited until my husband and I were dating long term and given up the benefit of experience for him. But my point is this: Your negative experience of not waiting is just that. An experience. One measly experience. My experience is just that. One measly experience.

    What is more insulting is that you are actually speaking up for a virgin woman’s experience. You are indirectly telling her she’s wrong in her EXPERIENCE, and she MUST be mistaken because you didn’t like yours. That’s ridiculous. This was a very taboo thing that she admitted, and I’m proud of her for it. My entire life in abstinence only education, I heard over and over again the negative consequences of not waiting until our wedding night for The Sex, yet not one negative consequence of waiting. One mother raised her hand to share her negative experience and got shot down and actually called a “heathen” to her face. How can we only be sharing one side of the spectrum? There is always a negative consequence to every decision we make in life, and not sharing possible negative consequences is revoking future generations of making actual decisions seeing both sides, and could be one huge reason why so many kids are giving up on that. Her experience gives people the understanding of how women can be greatly affected when we use sexism in abstinence education, and how we’re teaching it incorrectly. Why don’t we learn from her post instead of bashing her for having an experience that heaven-forbid affects our opinions?

    • I’m sorrybut now you’re shutting her down. Many women experience bad premarital sex experiences. I personally have. I wish I had waited until marriage but I didn’t. Don’t shut her down because you had a good experience. She’s trying to help save those who want to wait but are now questioning because of that blog. Shame on you.

    • Yes. Exactly. Someone was brave enough to share her experience. Just because someone else doesn’t agree with it, doesn’t make it less of an experience or make her feelings nothing. This post is trying to make the other woman feel shameful for expressing those feelings, that’s how it came across to me.

    • That is not how it came across to me. What she said is just as important as what the original poster wrote. She is not trying to shame the woman. She is trying to help her and others whom read the original to understand that it can be better to wait and that those who do normally don’t feel the way this woman did. I didn’t wait and wish I had. I am happily married now and our sex life is great but I still wish I had waited. As for the “experienced for the husband”, I’d rather be inexperienced, saying experienced for your husband just sounds so wrong.

      • Hey guys, I’m 16 and I’m waiting. What makes me so sad is that some people only seem to be able to put people down. By saying “shame on you” to the girl who waited or the girl who didn’t, only makes you hypocritical. It scares me that girls my age are reading what GROWN women are saying about how premarital sex has no consequence and can be okay. It scares me that people are attacking the girl who didn’t wait and wished she did because all she is trying to do is help and tell her experience. It scares me that people my age are going to think it’s okay to lose their virginity before a paper is signed or a ceremony takes place, because when that happens, you can know for sure you’ll wake up next to that same person. It scares me that the battle over sexual pressure for girls my age has just gotten a whole lot harder. I hope that girls my age stay strong in their beliefs and give that part of themselves that they can NEVER get back to someone who can love them the way they were made by God to be loved.

    • Wow! What a fantastic comment. I couldn’t put into words, what you just did. While I think this was a beautifully written response to the original (which I read a couple months ago), and I think she had the best of intentions, she’s merely doing the same thing in an opposite (while potentially more positive) manner. She’s saying she wished she waited and please don’t tell girls not go wait…. she shared her experience which is perfectly fine, the same way the original was shared, but she’s still telling girls what to do. It’s up to girls to interpret these (and hopefully they are being taught to think for themselves) and decide what to do. She’s indirectly placing the burden of another woman’s choice about sex on this one author’s experience. One of the bigger problems with the first girl (who did wait) was that her identity was so wrapped up in her virginity, she didn’t have an identity without it regardless to the fact that people understood she had moved on into a sexual relationship. This author states her experience as if it should be regarded differently, but the you’re right, Katie, they are both just individual experiences and don’t dictate another woman’s actions/experiences/choices. She expresses opinion as facts “women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse”. Now I’m not married, but that’s a pretty harsh judgement, and I don’t believe it. In the beginning she says to the other author “you’re wrong it does matter”. Maybe it does, or maybe it doesn’t that’s an individual’s choice. When Elyse commented that she’s comparing a loving relationship to a non-loving relationship, Savannah (the author) states she “assumed that she was being casual” when in fact Savannah stated that it was a relationship with someone “who I didn’t love and didn’t love me”. For these reasons, while her intentions may have been to encourage, her blog is nothing more than the first girl’s. So as she may feel sorry for the other author’s experience I’m sure many more feel sorry for her as well. Maybe I should write my own response? “Dear girl who didn’t wait and wish she had…I didn’t wait and I’m ok with that”.

  95. I really like what you said, I actually did wait to have sex before marriage and now 9 years into my marriage I am so glad I did. I understand where the original author is coming from, I was raised in a Christian home and told SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE WAS WRONG and thats about it. I wish my mother would have explained more deeply the beauty of sex in marriage. So my first experience was very similar to the girl’s , I cried, it was awkward, and I didn’t really like it. Actually it was about 3 years later that I started to actually like it and now 9 years in we have grown so much!!. I can say I truly love that time with my husband. Before I did it out of obedience and knowing my husband needed it. Lots of praying, and seeking God’s will for me but we have made it to a beautiful place now. I wouldn’t change it for the world, every experiance makes you who you are today and things that are difficult can either make you or break you and it seems as though this girl was broke because of this situation. Breaks my heart that she had to seek counseling instead of seeking God the one who created her and created the very thing she is struggling with.

    • I can relate to you. I have been married 4 years, I still struggle with sex. Partly from my upbringing of the ‘dirty’ or ‘it’s wrong’ stigma, and partly due to being raped at 15. I still feel disgusted when I reach climax, this is due to the rape. But I also felt dirty and shameful even after years of marriage. My husband and I had fought because of my lack of desire. He felt unwanted and discarded, but I felt the need for self preservation. We had discussed me going to a therapist, but we could not afford that. Instead I decided to go back to church after 5 years without attendance. God led me there. He fostered a relationship with my pastor within weeks. I have never been one to trust or open up easily, but I knew that God had led me down this path, and I chose to trust HIM. My pastor prayed with me and helped me change my views on sex. She also encouraged me to release myself from my past and to start a new, God-centered relationship with my husband. Now, in our 5th year of marriage, I am able to be free to enjoy sex with my husband, because I know it is a beautiful thing that God created for the two of us. The devil and his demons of deceit have no hold on me anymore. That is my prayer for anyone struggling with the feeling of guilt or shame for having sex within wedlock. The devil has no right to hold you in his web of deceit. Declare it and trust in the LORD.

  96. I can’t seem to find my previous comment to clear a few points up, and mention some things I neglected to mention before. To those of you who responded to the previous comment, you mentioned that love and marriage are not all about sex; I am aware of that. And I chose my husband for several non-sexual reasons. But you can’t deny that sex is part of a marriage relationship, and for me personally, it was important to choose a life partner who I was sexually compatible with. When you get married, you are not only committing to be with that person for the rest of your life emotionally, but also physically, so I thought I would rather spend my life with someone who had the same sexual drive and interests as I do. Turns out that for me, it was the right decision. I’m not saying this method works for everyone; my priorities may not be yours and that’s fine. Another thing someone brought to my attention was that they wouldn’t feel too special if they knew they weren’t the only one. Again, to each his own. I may not be the only one ever, but I know I’m the only one now and that’s what matters to me. We tend to talk about sex like it’s this big, scary, sacred thing and I really just can’t agree with that.

  97. I don’t think it’s right to tell someone they’re wrong. THATS wrong. THATS the reason so many drift away from The Lord and Christianity. Telling someone they are wrong for a feeling they couldn’t help is wrong. In so many ways- This woman had this feeling for a reason and it’s something much much deeper than being right or wrong when it comes to waiting. Your first paragraph explains it all. The Lord loves you NO MATTER WHAT! And it should be left at that.

    • “I don’t think it’s right to tell someone they’re wrong. THATS wrong” and yet you continue to explain to her why it’s wrong. How illogical. I also bet you tell your children that when they are wrong. You may not believe in absolutes but I guarantee you live by them.

  98. Well I’m sorry, the fact that you admit that you had had sex several times before marriage might be the reason you seem so calm and confident in your answer. You are a fully satisfied woman, so you have no idea what a woman who has never experienced sex because of society and religion might feel when she has sex for the first time after marriage.

  99. There’s one statement that I really, truly disagree with in this post:

    “… I didn’t wait for my husband to have one of the most precious part of me and my body, my virginity”

    I don’t think a woman’s virginity is the most precious part of her existence. Women are so, so much more than such a simplistic attribute. To say that a woman’s virginity is the most important part of her being is reducing her to a flap of tissue and a one-time event.

    As a woman, I think I offer much more to the world than my virginity. I offer my intelligence; I offer my kindness and generosity; I offer my compassion and empathy. When I touch lives, it’s not because I’m a virgin, it’s because I choose to be an amazing human being – and that’s what we all are, regardless of our sexual status. We are all amazing human beings.

    We have so much to give, and our virginity doesn’t even make the top of the list. I feel that, if it’s important to you, then that’s your choice; let it define you. I choose to separate my nonphysical attributes, all the potential I have in my life, from my first time having sex.

    Lastly, I can understand if you experienced shame after sex outside of marriage. However, that doesn’t mean everyone will feel the same, nor does it mean everyone should wait due to your experience. I appreciate you trying to teach the younger generations though youe experience, however, also be aware that the message you are sending is that women are still, no matter what, valued by their bodies and not their minds, their capabilities, their potential to change lives. That is not a message that I feel should be spread to impressionable young girls.

    • Thank you. You said exactly what I wanted to say, albeit more eloquently than I would have. I was told all my life that my virginity was what I had to give. The ultimate gift. Unfortunately, the circumstances of the loss of that were… Less than ideal. For a long time after I struggled with feeling like I had lost the only thing I had to give. I would never want any young girl to feel like her worth is based on her body, and that’s exactly how I felt.

      Also, in response to the author and the entire article; it always pains me to see the small-mindedness of humans. Your experience is not everyone’s. You have no idea what someone else is going through based on your experiences. You have no right to judge her for the way she feels.

    • Did you even read the article? You added that little quote, but did you read it? She said “one of the most precious” parts. ONE of the most precious, not *the* most precious, parts if herself and her body.

      And she wasn’t saying that a woman’s virginity is what defines her, or makes her great, or is where she finds worth. She was simply saying that it’s something beautiful, and wonderful about a woman, and something she can joyfully gift to her husband.

      • Yes, she did say it was one of the most precious parts of her body, but I don’t believe even that should me true of all women. I don’t think a woman’s virginity should be a priority in her life if she chooses for it not to be, however, the author implied that a woman who has sex outside of marriage should feel ashamed. That it is normal to feel disgusted after sex outside of marriage. Which, in turn, means that if you are not a virgin when you are married, you should feel disgusted with yourself at one point or another. Also not a message that should be sent to impressionable young women.

        Sex isn’t just about husband and wife; it’s about love and trust, and both are easy to mistake, confuse, or lose. Allow me to share my story:
        My first time having sex, it was with a man that I trusted – a mistake on my part. He did use and emotionally abuse me. He was manipulative, mean-tongued and in some cases, outright cruel. I only slept with him once, then I left. However, my current partner? Is an honest man. A kind man. He and I love each other to the moon and back, and I trust him with my life.

        But we are not married.

        Not once, not ever, have I felt ashamed of sharing a bed with him. Not once have I felt disgusted, used, or abused by him. Because I recognize that he is not the same man I shared a bed with my first time. I recognize that my first experience doesn’t define ALL experiences from then on. I don’t let the time spent with him affect my relationship, because no two men are the same. Each relationship is different.

        In fact, experiences like that which the author went through occur on a relationship-to-relationship basis. I understand why the author would feel this to be a reason to encourage others to abstain until marriage; however, perhaps if a different partner had been chosen for her first time, she would have a different opinion. We will never know.

        The fact of the matter is, I feel that this post, while encouraging for those who choose to wait, shames those who choose not to. No one should ever, EVER feel disgusted after sex. No one should EVER feel abandoned or used after sex. Whether you’re married or not, that simply shouldn’t be what you feel. And it is wrong for the author to say that women should feel ashamed for having sex outside of marriage. Wrong for her to place that emotion on women who are completely confident in their sexuality. She is not every woman, and she should not speak for every woman. I understand where she is coming from, but her assumption of omnipotence regarding women is incorrect and should not be a message spread.

  100. “Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse. Outside if the bond of marriage it will always feel that way, whether you choose to believe it, accept it, or neither.”

    Statements like this are exactly why one need not waste time trying to reason with an absolutist. No matter what evidence is presented, or how truthfully you express your feelings, they’ll just say, “no, you’re wrong, God says so.”

  101. I think that most of you are responding to this wrong. You all seem to think that because people are Christians that they automatically are perfect people or at least should do everything to be perfect. But that is your mistake. Christians and none christians are the same… they are all people and people make mistakes they sin! the only way believers are different from non believers is that they have a loving and caring God who died for them so that their sins can be forgiven. and he excepts all people with all sin because to him sin is the same. So i think people need to stop expecting christians to be perfect and start excepting that fact that they are people too.

  102. This response has a fundamental flaw that I’m sure someone addressed, but I will anyway. You completely missed the mark. She’s not saying have sex before marriage, technically. She’s saying make the decision you’re comfortabe with and can live with. The reason she isn’t comfortable with it, is because she literally and figuratively had her identity stripped from her. It’s like me playing music, but then giving it up. There’s a hole that needs healing.

  103. I don’t understand why everything has no middle ground whatsoever. First off, no wonder the original writer needed to see a psychiatrist…what kind if church gets 10 year old girls to sign purity contracts? 10 year olds don’t even need to know what sex is, much less be discussing it with strangers at church. Secondly, I think someone’s virginity doesn’t need to be broadcasted publicly. Like the original writer said, she felt dirty because everyone knew she had waited and was now impure. Why did they need to know in the first place? Why was it publicly known? I mean, if you fornicate, do you immediately go make an announcement in church to let it be known the virginity is no more? No. If someone is remaining abstinent until marriage due to religious reasons, that is between them, God and the spouse. I can see why this had such a bad effect on her for the fact it was broadcasted so long and for the fact that either she was taught wrong teachings or she understood it wrong..both are possible. Yes, God does want us to wait for marriage BUT it’s ludicrous to say someone is going to hell for premarital sex or any similar sin. Jesus himself took up for the woman caught in adultery and said “he who is without sin cast the first stone”. Then he said to her, “go and sin no more”. He does that for everyone who asks. I can understand her hurt. She had high hopes and was disappointed. That can be worked through and it sounds like she has a great understanding husband. I do find it very sad that she felt as though she should turn from God. It’s sad what false teachings can do to a child, especially when taught so early. I hope she finds her way back to The Lord and restores her marriage!

  104. I think you must make your decision knowing what are you trying to accomplish, taking your time to think if it worst all the effort.
    A vow just because someone told you that is the best choice is never good. This will most certainly cause you to regret about your decision.
    If we have differences between our appreciation of sex purport, we will never agree if its better to wait or not to wait.
    Im a guy, 23 years old, still virgin. Im very happy with my decision, and thanks God i didn’t loose it with my first girlfriend when I have the chance.
    I don’t want to convince you about wait or not wait, I want you to realize that not everyone thinks the same, so don’t crucifix different opinions, and dont impose your opinions.
    Sorry for my english, I speak spanish.

    • Everyone has the right to their opinion. You did not have to read her article but you did. She was not imposing? She was stating her opinion, which is part of our freedom in the United States.

  105. I love this article. The original article about the girl who didn’t wait broke my heart.
    I took the vow of abstinence and I’m 20. I took it around 11 years old. I’m happy I took the vow and I’m more than happy to keep sticking to it and not only for religious reasons. I’ve been a Christian my whole life and I love the thought of saving myself for my husband. I don’t want to be used and discarded after some guy has his way with me. Having this vow, filters out a lot of guys. Most guys aren’t willing to wait and want to push my limits, but I know that the guy God has created to be my husband will be fine with waiting and he’ll respect me. I don’t understand why people don’t want to wait, but they’re so surprised when they get left after having sex with a guy they aren’t married to. I’m excited for the future and to be able to tell my future husband that I kept myself pure for him. I doubt I’ll be in counseling and all this other stuff people say they’re going through. I think something deeper is going on if you need that much help after losing your virginity to your husband. I’ve waited. I’m glad I did and I’ll continue to until I marry the man God has for me.

    • Congratulations on your fantastic life choices Jasmine! I think you are off to a great start. You are absolutely correct on the type of man God has in store for you, and I don’t think you’ll regret your decisions either. Also, what you refer to as “something deeper” I refer to as “Psych issues” lol The girl in the original article needed counseling well before she got it! Just wanted to cheer you on! =)

  106. The writer of the original article couldn’t help that she felt the way she did about sex. Did anyone think to maybe not judge her so harshly & think about how she is feeling? Sometimes prayer is the best thing we can do instead of being so quick to comment on how other people should be living

  107. I honestly think we’re all doing this wrong. Your body is just that YOURS! Sex and relationship decisions should be based on what you personally feel comfortable with. I, personally, have had several partners. Some of them I have truly loved and shared an emotional connection with, while others have been purely physical. Neither of those situations made me feel dirty or impure. They were simply decisions I made based on my circumstances at the time.
    The way I look at it, the person you choose to marry is the person you’re deciding to have sex with for the rest of your life. If you’ve never had sex before, how do you know that you’re sexually compatible with the person you’re marrying? Maybe they have a higher drive than you, maybe yours is higher than theirs. Maybe you don’t share the same sexual interests. You couldn’t possibly know unless you’ve had sex with that person. I have had plenty of experiences that have taught me what my sexual drive and interests consist of, and I am so grateful for that.
    When I met my now husband, I knew what I wanted out of sex, and because we engaged in intercourse I knew what he expected before we decided to marry. I’m glad of that. I’m honestly glad I’ve had my promiscuous days, but I’m also glad they’re over. I just wish that we would all look at sex a little more practically than we tend to do. Everyone has their own opinions on it, and what might be good for one person, might be bad for another. To each his (or her) own. There is no reason to push our beliefs and decisions on everyone else.

    • Love shouldn’t be about sex at all. Why have sex with someone that wouldn’t even take a bullet for you, or be there even at your darkest moments? I wouldn’t feel too special if I knew I wasn’t the only one.

    • My reponse is going to be brief. You all are very funny. Firstly, to the lady who wrote the original blog: what makes you feel that you wouldn’t have still hated sex if you hadn’t waited? Maybe you having sex earlier would have only made you realise that you simply do not like sex.

      And to those attacking the writer of this blog saying she wasn’t sincere in her apology wen she said: “I am sorry you feel this way…”, I say to you: you are just being defensive. In your heart of hearts you understood what she meant by that and you are now turning your guilt to anger, maybe cause you think she is right but her truth makes you feel bad and you just don’t want to feel that way.
      So now what u guys are saying is that the lady should have slammed all the men in town before she can then know or select the one sHe’s wants for keeps. You are forgetting that marriage isn’t all about sex. So if you picked him because he was your best do then pray that when the do wares off, you still have something worth keeping. Just maybe that’s why divorce is soooooo rampant. Lest I digress, what I’m trying to say I I think the author of this blog just feels that she shouldn’t blame her sexual problems on waiting till marriage because the fault could be from something deeper, and that she shouldn’t destroy other young people’s view on the matter because she may be swaying them in a web-like direction. Finally, we all have our opinions, so everyone should carry his/her own “goat skin bag”
      Hahaha ok my response wasn’t so brief afterall.

    • Thank you, thank you, thank you for being someone who thinks for themselves. Just because one person feels dirty about having sex with people before marriage does not mean we all do. I’m happy about the experiences I’ve had. They can be separated into those I’ve loved and those that were due to circumstance and physical need. I am still friends with most of those people and we are past the sexual part of it. I am not married yet, but I believe I’ve found the man I will marry, and not only because our sexual interests match, but that definitely does help the situation. I feel some people don’t recognize the importance of sex in a relationship. It is a basic human need. Some people have a higher desire, while others don’t find it necessary. It is definitely important to at least be close to a match with your partner sexually. I’m not saying it’s impossible to have a relationship if you’re not, but it definitely does make things run more smoothly.

    • You body is not yours, it is the temple of Christ, and after you give your life to Christ and choose to follow his Word then you give him all of you. That includes your body. This is a choice, however, and sadly many people do not choose to give their lives WHOLLY to Christ. Of that I have also been guilty, but there is always a chance to change.

  108. Wow. This chick missed the ENTIRE point of the original blog.

    Also, when you start off with , “I’m sorry *you*…” then you KNOW it is not a sincere apology and that the person saying it absolutely positively does not care.

    Ugh, humans are so annoying.

    • Humans, indeed, are annoying. And that is because SO MANY PEOPLE decide they are *always right* instead of taking the time to understand someone’s perspective. If everyone spent a good 5 minutes a day not being a total solipsist and actually TRIED, we might actually learn a thing or two.

      But instead, we get pissed at others for having opinions. SHOCKER.

      Just in case any readers haven’t realized this – this young woman’s opinion (no matter how little you agree with it) is NO LESS valuable than yours.

      Fortunately, God loves us all equally. Just as it is fortunate we are saved by faith and God’s grace, for so, too, are we equally unworthy of His love.

      • I think if you’re going to say that someone is saying bad things about another person’s opinion, that’s what this post is doing! The original post, which I’ve read, that was HER OPINION! Step down from your soap box and realize, everyone is entitled to their opinion and their own feelings. These were her feelings she chose to share. She’s brave for posting that. Also, even though I don’t agree with this post at all, this is her opinion and her feelings. No one has the right to judge someone else without being in their shoes. And if young or older women read her post and decide to take a different path, that is their choice. You have no right to put that on her!

  109. I’m 19. A virgin.

    Left and right, all I would heard about were people losing their virginity from middle school to high school. I was always taught that sex was a bad thing. I took that (now) silly vow of abstinence throughout my life when they taught sex ed. They drilled it into my head. I used to judge people throughout high school for losing their virginity and not waiting until marriage.

    I’ve had many recurring dreams about losing my virginity. After I had done so in my dream, it would always end where I was depressed, crying, feeling extreme guilt. Was it a sign that that would happen if I ever lost mine? I don’t know. I became paranoid which made me refuse sexual things even more.

    A couple months ago I started dating a friend. He was experienced in sex, losing his virginity sophomore year of high school. He obviously wanted to have sex with me. It took a lot of time (even guilt-tripping) for him to convince me to letting him touch me. I never felt comfortable letting him touch me down there so I never did. Whenever I told him no, he would always bring it back up. It was tiring. I am definitely a hypocrite, advocating for years and years that I would be abstinent. However dirty thoughts started entering my mind after I got my first boyfriend. Although I wanted to have sex, I had no desire to actually have sex. Also I partially held back on the idea because of those recurring haunting dreams. Another minor reason was because I felt nothing. I didn’t have those strong desires when we were intimate.

    A week ago actually we broke up. Some reasons I can’t say, but part of the reason was definitely because I did not want to do anything sexual with him. It’s stupid but I rather be off with someone who can actually wait until I’m ready. It was a mutual break up.

  110. To quote your pre-face “Before you read this please let me preface it with this: You are so valuable. Virgin or not. Whether you saved yourself for marriage or whether you didn’t. Whether you have slept with one person or slept with one hundred. You are FULL of worth and value. You were worth so much that Christ gave his life for you, knowing your sin just as he knows mine. Please don’t read this and feel invaluable or worthless because you are in a different place.”

    How can you say that. Then read about the problems that occurred in this woman’s marriage, the scar that remains there. Feel her regret, sadness, and anger that she waited. And tell her that you’re glad she waited.

    How can you possibly reconcile the two thoughts?

    How can you say “you are so valuable virgin or not” and then in the same blog say “I know you went through a horrible 4 years where you hated yourself but I’m glad you did because God thinks better of you now”

    Are. You. Kidding.

    • What the world? Where did she say that God thinks better of the girl after going through four years of pain? I didn’t see it.

      The preface wasn’t directed at the original poster, it was directed at the readers. Basically saying no matter what camp you are in or what you have done, God loves you.

      That’s it.

      I think you completely missed the point of what the poster was trying to say, and though I do think the post wasn’t very eloquent, I don’t think it’s very hard to decipher the message, which is to say that even if the girl hadn’t waited, she still would have felt those same feelings after having sex because she had serious misconceptions about sex.

  111. Wow, what powerful words have been spoken on here. I am 44 yrs old and what I’ve learned in my time on earth I want to share. I too waited, but not in the traditional way. My way was wrong and I know it now. You see, I met a wonderful man while serving in the military at the age of 20. We made plans to marry. Facing the seperation of Dessert Storm and since we were getting married I let go of that vow and we had relations. I felt horribly dirty! I let myself and The Lord down! A year later we did get married so I did marry the man I lost my virginity to….I justified my reasoning for what I did for years but I never forgave myself. I believe it ruined me intimately. As I grew in The Lord I realized why the intimacy of love making is meant to be saved for after marriage. Imagine a ladder….each rung is a step you are to master in a relationship. Be it the friendship, communication, trust, love and so on. Finally the top of the ladder is your wedding day….there the both of you stand and say I DO. Then because you have followed Gods plan, he gave you the one thing that can only make your relationship grow deeper than it has ever grown before….an intimacy between you and only you. So, from the top of that ladder, side by side, You jump! Intimacy is meant to build and heighten your marriage AFTER YOUR VOWS! If you’ve already done it…how can The Lord start your marriage off with a bang! 😉 Those of you that are considering not waiting, Please….WAIT….what I did was wrong, you will regret it. Save and give the one precious AND GREATEST thing you have to your husband/wife. It will be your proudest moment.

    • Such a great testimony . Thank you so much for having the courage to share it with us! Definitely more people need to hear it from women that have had double the annointing in experience than most us have had. Blessings!

  112. As a guy, I was driven to go as far as I could with each girl I dated. But when I started looking for a wife, I realized that having sex with a “used” woman is the same as having it with all her previous partners, and you don’t know what kinds of viruses or unknown-to-science as of yet, things she is carrying. It is a scientific fact that the more sex partners a woman has had, the higher her risks of developing cancer and some other diseases during her lifetime. So for a wife, I looked for a virgin.I got a good Christian woman who loves and trusts me, and together we have learned about sex. The wedding night was not perfect as she didn’t know much, but thru the years we have lovingly learned all about what makes great sex with each other. We now have 3 children and many years together. My only regret: that I DIDN’T WAIT UNTIL AFTER MARRIAGE TO HAVE SEX. On a totally unrelated note, it is sad to see the current trend on the internet of viciously attacking anyone who has anything nice to say about Christianity. The replies to this article are prime examples. Now people evidently seek out Christian websites just so they can attack them. I guess they (Christians) are safer targets than the folks who are members of the “religion of peace”, the Muslims.

    • You were soiled before marriage, could have exposed yourself and your multiple sex partners to untold diseases AND have the gall to ‘look for a virgin’ to marry. I hope you sir are a troll because otherwise you are the worst type of hypocrite and have no right to call yourself a Christian. For shame.

      • People make mistakes and we learns from them Christians aren’t perfect, no one is. Christ died for all of us. No one has any right to tell someone they can’t be a Christian or “shouldnt” be a Christian.

      • Yes even Christians aren’t perfect. I also don’t agree with the way this guy went about finding a wife BUT what does give us “the right” to call ourselves Christians? When we sin, that doesn’t strip away our “rights”. We are sinners. That’s why we need a savior…Christ.

    • Did you realize that for a woman, having sex with a “used” man is like having sex with all of his previous partners and exposing herself to all the unknown diseases he could be carrying? It’s also a “scientific” fact that the cancer causing diseases that you speak of really have nothing to do with the number of sexual partners at all. It only takes ONE dirty man to expose a woman to HPV which is the virus that can lead to cervical cancer if left untreated. And if that ONE dirty man has had repeated unprotected sexual intercourse with multiple partners, he could very well be carrying that virus and NEVER have any signs or symptoms because it often times never has an effect on men BUT they still carry it and then expose that one innocent virgin to it on the wedding night..and BAM, 20 years later she’s dying of cervical cancer from HPV. How you say? She’s never had sex with anyone but her husband…but that husband was more worried about finding a “virgin” and what HE wanted instead of being fearful about what HE could be bringing to the marriage bed.

    • Bob……………..Charlie made some really good points. And Charlie… I totally agree with you about the current internet trend. Bummer.

      I was happy to read this blog. It was a TINY bit preachy, but the content was excellent. I agree.

    • “so for a wife, I looked for a virgin…”
      “having sex with a ‘used’ woman…”

      Women are not something you just shop around for, and we are not objects that lose their worth after having been “used” like some one-time use, disposable kitchen towel.

    • Charlie again. For those who are castigating me, perhaps I didn’t make myself clear. I was attempting to tell how ignorant I was, and also the ignorance of many of the young women that I knew, back when we were younger, NOT advocating a certain lifestyle. Men have always acted this way, and sadly, now women are also being sold this bill of goods. I know that back then, and probably still now, many “decent” folks will seek out a fellow “decent” person (which includes purity of sex life) when they are considering marriage. Also, please don’t assume I was a follower of Christ back then – obviously I wasn’t as He is not a fan of fornication. Christians do not promote or advocate extra-marital sexual relations. Feel free to castigate me for this statement: I wish I had stayed out of the women’s pants until I married. There were and have been a lot of consequences, life-long consequences, for my actions. Based on my life experiences, I would caution young people, especially females, to value the sex act and don’t give away your virtue to an uncommitted partner. No matter how much the world tells you that it is just meaningless, harmless fun. It is truly wonderful when experienced in a guiltless relationship with your one true love.

  113. Ladies, sex is not dirty but a beautiful relationship designed by God. Although this series is designed for children (for each stage of development), even women would benefit from reading this series. I have shared with my children as appropriate for their age to keep a dialogue open and so that they can understand from a godly point of view the bodies and how to respect their God made selves. In addition, it explains God’s plan for sex. God’s Design for Sex Series, 4 Books: Revised

  114. I am in agreement with the woman who wrote the original article on why she wishes she hadn’t waited. Like her I took a virginity pledge, and at 28 years old am still a virgin. I don’t really care anymore about the strange looks I get from people when they find out or the lack of sexual health education I received. What I do care about is when I dated my first boyfriend at 22 years old, I was non-sexual. I had shut everything down and was horrified at the idea that he wanted to be sexual with me. I was so scared, and relate to the original author so much! If we had married, we would have ended up in counseling every day and had a rough marriage at best. After we broke up (partially due to my attitudes about sex), I spent the next 4 years thinking I was horribly broken. Something had gone terribly wrong in my design and I would never find love because of it. I gradually started to be physically intimate with a few guys (while still keeping my prized virginity in tact) and thankfully learned that sex could be a good thing. I learned that I wasn’t broken after all! And keep in mind that everything I did to learn that would be considered “sexually immoral” by any Christian standards. I completely agree with the statement that I cannot be sexually healthy and still be within the Christian sexual ethic. That doesn’t mean I’m giving up my relationship with Christ, just that certain things pertaining to sex and sin are going to need to have some leeway. Indeed, I am still very active in my church, in a small group Bible study and playing on the worship team, but I will certainly be having sex before marriage. I am still a virgin, but that’s no longer anything I value. Instead, I value waiting to meet someone that I am interested in having sex with, while understanding the full weight of my decision as a grown up and emotionally mature woman.

    • I’m so sorry you feel that way, virginity is very valuable in God’s eyes so it should be in ours. God says our bodys are his temple and to be sexually immoral would be defiling this. There are many scriptures that talk about this and I would love to share them with you if you’re interested.

      • I know many Christians who are overweight and overeat, who think nothing of the crap they put in their bodies. I know Christians who smoke and exercise is a foreign word. They certainly aren’t treating their bodies as temples, and yet all that Christian dogma cares about is sex.

        The girl in the original article was raised and taught that her innate sexuality was something to be ashamed of and that was dirty. That her body’s natural responses to pleasurable stimuli should be ignored and denied. Her religious institution teachers her that and then everyone expects the moment she gets married for all of that to disappear and for her to have a healthy and pleasurable relationship with her own body and her husband? That’s laughable.

        • I agree that it is a ridiculous notion that as soon as you’re married all of the sexuality that you’ve suppressed for years will just suddenly be normal and healthy. Unfortunately, this is quite the norm in certain Christian circles, including mine. I take care of my body, eat fresh nutrient dense food, lots of fruits and veggies, and exercise regularly, don’t smoke, etc. I am extremely healthy! And it does irk me a bit when I find Christians who don’t take care of their body but then go around telling everyone how much of a sin it is to defile God’s temple with sexual immorality. Such a double standard.

      • Thanks Lauren, but I am VERY familiar with all the biblical passages of sexual purity. I was raised overseas as an evangelical missionary kid, my family read the Bible every night, I grew up reading Focus on the Family magazines all about sexual purity, and had read through the Bible in a year multiple times before I was 11 years old. My dad, sister and brother-in-law all graduated from seminary and I have read countless books on sex by Christian authors and counselors. I am extremely educated about sexuality within Christianity. I was The Good Christian Girl. I knew all the answers and that is part of the reason that I have keep my virginity intact (along with all the self loathing, fear, and horror of the unknown). AND it gets even better: I was always brought up being taught that sex is a WONDERFUL thing in marriage! There was never any negativity surrounding sex in marriage. But when that is drilled into a kid’s head for long enough, eventually her ideas of sexuality can be almost irreparably damaged. I still love and follow Christ, am active in my church, pray often and fellowship with other believers. I have just come to the conclusion that I certainly cannot be sexually healthy while doing so if I want to stay within the accepted Christian sexual ethic. Christ said “My burden is light” but I’m finding that to be the opposite, at least in matters pertaining to sex.

        • As a pastors daughter, and someone who went the opposite way, I encourage you to wait. I myself made it till I was 25, then threw it all out the window. I had been in a relationship where we did everything else sexually, but actually have sex. I was depressed and emotional, said screw it and gave it away to some guy who I don’t even remember his name. It sucked! The next guy used me and threw me away. And the trend continued for the next 16 (?) guys. I ended up depressed, tried to commit suicide, and hating myself everyday. I finally met my now husband when I was 28. We obviously didn’t wait and 7 months into our relationship, I found myself pregnant. We got married when I was 7 months pregnant and have now been together for 4 years now (and 3 kids!). I don’t regret my daughter, but I wish it could have been different. It has been years of feeling horrible, worthless, and hating myself for all my past deviations. I am now able to forgive myself, but it took years. And yes, I knew God had forgiven me, but forgiving myself was the hardest. I will tell my daughters about my experiences and I will tell them to wait. I don’t want them to go through the pain that I went through.

    • A guy here: similar experience, except I’ve not been active in a church for years and have no desire to be. I waited until I found someone I could trust and enjoy as a fully mature adult and the first time experience was great.

    • Have you all read/heard of the book Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity by Lauren Winner?

      Incredibly insightful, real, raw, and grace-filled. I really appreciate her perspective and I will definitely use this as a source when my husband and I have children (and minister to the kids at our church).

      Sex is a beautiful thing. I waited for my husband but I had no shame on our wedding night. I think partly because I sort of explored my own view of why virginity was important only to discover that chastity is something that every believer in Christ should value, married or not.

      I’m definitely a believer in teaching our Christian children the value of waiting, but I also want to be grace-filled and teach that purity is a value that we believers should just have-and that is bigger than just sexuality. I also enjoy Sex God by Rob Bell

  115. Since when is sex and virginity the most important thing we have? Since when are they our biggest God-given assets?

    I don’t understand why people can’t accept the fact that NO ONE is “pure” before marriage. Not even the Duggars. Whether they’ve stared at a butt for too long or slept with someone, technically its all adultery, so why are we whining about it? “But my spouse…” get over it. It’s in the past. That’s forgiveness. Maybe our unrealistic expectations are hurting us.

    If you’re still hung up and thinking about the time you had sex before you were married, you need counseling just as much as the girl who waited.

  116. Everyone should be able to make their own decisions in life and not feel judged. Its your life and no one is living it but you. So do what makes you happy because its not anyone else’s business what YOU choose to do with your life.


      • Wow, the only precious thing a woman has is her virginity? Wow. No wonder so many christian girls I’ve met are so frightened of men and of sex. God gave women a lot more that is ‘precious’ than merely her virginity. Her mind, her soul, her capacity for faith, love, learning, growing, and sharing her lives with others along with her God-given talents.

  117. I am in a relationsship for 6 years now and never thought about marrying her. Why should I? Things just would become more complicated… Should I wait to have sex? Definitely not. Sex is too great and too beautiful to just not having it. If God (if he actually exists) wanted us to wait till marriage he would have made sex not being as joyful for us humans (like it is not for most animals).

    • If she had never had sex with you I bet a million bucks you would have wanted to marry her cause of that curiosity but now that she has had sex with you and you guys do it more frequently so chances of a heart break in the next few years are high …

      There are too much attractive ladies & men in this world to not get married to the person you love or rather to not make it an official commitment … That way it prevents cheating .

      Honestly think on this, why don’t you consider marrying her before someone else does .

      • Well, first off, had they married just for sex, the marriage probably would not have lasted simply because that’s a poor foundation for a marriage. And the Bible is also against divorce, so… it’s exchanging one sin for another, which is hardly a solution, not to mention the physical (monetary) loss that would occur through the divorce.

        Secondly, marriage doesn’t prevent cheating. Plenty of married couples experience one or both people cheating on their partners. Marriage is simply a statement that you’re SUPPOSED to be monogamous, and in turn you get legal privileges in regards to your spouse (ability to make decisions regarding your partner when they are unable to, for example). It in no way prevents cheating, since it’s just a title.

  118. The Bible says don’t judge, and acting like your “pure” lifestyle is better certainly qualifies as judging in my book. Essentially, you’re saying she shouldn’t share her story because it might encourage people to live more like her and less like you (or at least, your ideal). Be pure if you want, hell even tell me it is wrong not to wait, but don’t tell me (or in this case, the OP) not to share my opinions with the world because you don’t agree with them (not even mentioning that she didn’t really share her opinions as much as she just told a story)

    • The one being judgmental is you. Where in her post does she claim a “pure” lifestyle? She admits of indescretions before marriage that were not with her husband— she says that sex under the marriage umbrella was more satisfying for HER. Perhaps if you read this without your preconceived judging mind of what you “think” she is saying and instead read what she really is saying.

    • I know this may seem strange to you, but what the author was sharing was not her own, self made, “pure” lifestyle. It is God’s standard that He calls us to and expects us to uphold if we choose to follow Him. If you say you are a Christian, then you should follow all that God says including not having sex outside of marriage. Wouldn’t it seem hypocritical to you if I said I was a Christian, but that I pick and choose which parts of Christianity I followed? Rather, you would tend to have more respect for someone who claimed to be a Christian and let God direct their steps in every area of life whether you agreed with their beliefs or not.

    • ironically by saying “don’t judge me and don’t tell me what to do” you’re doing the exact thing that she did. She stated an opposing opinion and offered a solution to other people in agreement with her and you then state an opposing opinion and offer a solution. The only difference here is that you’re telling her she can’t say what she wants and how she wants to say it………………..

      How about a more civilized take on this? If you agree with her: Outstanding. If you don’t agree with her: then don’t read anymore and don’t come on here with argument-baiting comments.

    • There is a difference between judging someone and merely identify what is right and wrong in accordance to the ultimate Law- The Bible.

  119. Thanks for having the courage to write a response. I hope you aren’t too frustrated with all the people who don’t really understand. I am blessed by your post and I think it’s fine that you responded. People need to know the truth about what sex was intended for. People have to stop misunderstanding so that they don’t become like The Girl Who Waited and Wishes She Didn’t. Thanks again and God bless.

  120. Hi,
    I am 17 years old, I’m a virgin and I read the article you speak of.
    I’d like it to be known that my choice began religiously and is currently a personal thing.
    I actually liked the article because I felt it highlighted the need to a better sex education for all young men and women, and how virginity has always been a way to control female sexuality. It’s ridiculous that a woman should feel ashamed after waiting so long and I think a big part of the reason she felt that way was because no one told her as she was growing up that sex is not this evil crime and if you have sex, God is not going to hate you. When my first boyfriend and I started dating at 14, we both agreed that we would not have sex because our religion forbade it. And I’m very glad we kept that promise because after a year of dating, he broke my heart. However after that happened, my reasons for why I was staying a virgin changed. Or maybe I just realized what they had always been. And those personal reasons actually have kept a stronger hold on me keeping my morals than God ever had. Maybe that makes me a bad Christian. But as long as I’m not having sex, the Patriarchy that is and always has been the Church is happy. Haven’t you ever noticed how everything is to control women? The blogger stated that the men may not remain pure but that’s okay because we as a Church body are to forgive. Why is it the boys and men are left out of these purity vows?
    Sorry, I guess that was a little rant like.
    Anyway, I disagree with your belief that the thousands who read the blog will think its okay to drop their virginity’s just because one woman regretted a choice she made. The people old enough to form their own opinions wont be swayed by one opinionated article and the people too young or naive to do the same will also still be young and naive enough to think they will be send to hell if they see a penis in a health textbook.
    I recognize that everyone has their own opinions and I’m grateful that you cared enough for young people to share your own however i respectfully disagree with it.

    • Good for you for waiting…..i do not believe in waiting for marriage but i do believe you should wait till you are old enough to care for a child..because thats what sex is, making children…I was 16 when i lost my virginity to a complete stranger…he fed me alcohol and waited till i was so drunk i couldnt even stand up…I grew up in a place where sex was just doing something. people where doing it at 11 and 12 years old….I regeted it alot…now i know that if i had just waited until I was an adult I could have made better choices about who i was with and where. I was lucky i didnt get pregnant or aids. My advice to you would be waiting until your personally ready. I also wished someone told me you bleed…all those poor women in white…not a good thing to happen to your nice white weeding dress….some women bleed a lot

  121. I’m sorry, but this response isn’t helpful as it misses the point of the original article. Everything you say I can guarantee the author has heard before-many, many times. We all have. But the blunt truth is that young girls brought up in Christianity are made to feel ashamed and afraid of their bodies and their sexuality, and made to feel that their bodies do not belong to them but to their future husbands. It’s part of a larger “purity culture” left over from a time when women were viewed as property. If the property came broken or damaged the man could trade her in for a new one. The point the author makes in her last couple paragraphs is (even if subconsciously) rejecting this idea: she is taking back control of her own body. She has the rights to her ownership, not anyone else.

    If this sounds dramatic, it’s really not. This author, hurt as she is, is only one of the many, many stories I’ve heard from women in Evangelical Christianity who’ve come away angry and jaded. I am one of those women, and currently borderline agnostic. The issue is not in trading religion for sex, as the issue is not black and white and has many different facets. The issue is in realizing that a religion one has put one’s entire life to and given everything for has turned out to not be what it cracked up to be. As the author suggests, she felt deceived on finding out her sex life was not any more blessed for waiting. She felt her right to decide for herself had been violated and taken away from her at a very early age. This is the issue-the way the church (patriarchal in it’s mostly male leadership) controls women and tells them what they can and can’t do with their own bodies.

    This is why I’d appreciate it if you not worry about what young girls will read the author’s story or what influence she may have. You certainly have your right to your opinion, and the other author has her right to share her experience and hurt. And the young girls reading both have brains and critical thinking skills to decide for themselves what they choose to believe.

    Because heaven forbid young women be independent and decide things for themselves about their own bodies.

    • “But the blunt truth is that young girls brought up in Christianity are made to feel ashamed and afraid of their bodies and their sexuality, and made to feel that their bodies do not belong to them but to their future husbands.”
      This is a very broad statement —This is YOUR truth not every Christian girls truth. I was not to feel this way… True there are SOME Christian denominations that teach shame in sex… But by all means it is not a generic Christian doctrine. The bible clearly states how pleasurable and wonderful sex is. To just give it away to anybody that shows interest or cuz it would be fun in THAT moment slowly takes pieces of you over time. Not to mention dangerous in this day and age—–

      • It is every girls way of thinking in your religion ….who are u? I know hundreds of christens, everyone of the women think there body is for there future husband….that they should be ashamed to show themselves to anyone else…i know women that will not even go to the drs in fear that god will send them to hell for letting the dr touch there breast to check for cancer…or little girls in grade 8 who fail sex ed because they think they will be sent to hell for looking at a picture of a males organs….I think this type of thinking should be banned because it causes problems mentally for women and men…you should go live in iran where you can be owned by a man. we live in north america where women are people.

    • But teenage girls are still developing critical thinking. They may come to a very bad conclusion from the original article because they could take it the totally wrong way and make a mistake without thinking. :(

    • Here’s the thing: if you call yourself a Christian at one point or another, you should know that the Bible clearly states that your body is not your own. Your entire being belongs to the Lord. That includes your sexuality.

    • Hello Mary; I know this won’t be about the original topic, but I wanted to share some thoughts about some stuff you mentioned.
      I know some horrible things and thinking has come out of the church, and even in the Bible it often looks like it approves of male dominance. BUT I believe there’s some clarification to be made. From what I see, it says God made man and woman equal (Genesis 3). Plus Jesus went against the cultural norms of disregard for women. He respected them equally, and they were among his faithful followers.
      Elsewhere is a verse that is often misunderstood; “Wives submit to your husbands, and husbands love your wives” (one common translation.) What we miss among translation and context is that the original words used here, “love” and “submit” are practically interchangeable. As for context (who/when/why it was written), the women in the first century who were finding Christianity were finding new great Value and new types of FREEdom in it than the norm of that culture. [Some women were “loose living”, but still always below men. In the new faith, they found that; “there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male and female” regarding value differences in Christ.] But in this, they started disrespecting there husbands and missing the point, and reason they had it; love. Thus they were reminded of the submit part of love. [SIDE NOTE: There is a key difference between value vs leadership roles. I’m not talking about women in leadership roles; only that, in general, the equality relationship can include one who lovingly submits and one who protects and leads.] As for the men, in that culture, it was NOT normal to Necessarily love their wife; indeed she could just be property. Thus they were written to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church (all believers) and gave up His life for them”!!! Both have equal value and rights, but are called to selflessly offer themselves for the other, just As Christ did for all the world. How I’ve defined love; “seeking the other’s best” -without hindrance by your own desires.
      PS: No, this doesn’t include abusive situations; letting them do that wouldn’t be any more good for them than for you; there’s often a difference between what people want vs what’s there best.

      I also believe marriage (as originally intended) is meant to be a picture of the incredible unity, bonded relationship we can have with God. He is a relational God. But like a good husband, He fights for you [to win you over, and for your behalf], but doesn’t force anything of you.
      Respectfully wishing to share.

  122. Obviously everyone in this world has to judge and give their opposing opinion which they feel is “correct”…if you have a relationship with Christ you’re going to or should live by/believe whatChrists truths are in the bible. As a believer your identity is in Christ. The social norm is to have sex before marriage for many reasons and excuses. This obviously pertains to choices only. If you don’t follow Christ you’re not going to understand or see what Christians do and where their beliefs come from and the reason for them. This is an endless debate. But you can only blame yourself for your choices, you can’t blame God.

  123. The person who wrote this is somewhat ignorant. She doesn’t even realize that she basically said she didn’t wait to have sex until marriage…aaand she has a great sexual relationship with her husband. So she can’t stand by and sympathetically say she has any idea what it would be like to have waited. This really is not a very well thought out message…but that’s just my opinion.

    • She’s not claiming to have any idea what it would have been like to wait. She’s just letting her, and all other people who are reading this, know that it can also be the other way around. Religious beliefs aside, virginity is something precious. After all, it is something that can only be given once. The author of this post simply wants to let people know that there are multiple feelings to be had about this particular topic.

    • If you’ll read through it again, you’ll notice she states every encounter prior to marriage brought guilt and shame. She’s thanking God that she is still able to have a healthy intimate relationship with her husband and regrets not being able to say he’s her first.

  124. Although this article was beautiful and I believe that she was wonderful with every word she wrote, I do have my own opinion that has proba ly already been spoken. I am 19, i lost my virginity at 16, and I too had made a purity vow at a young age, although sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I would’ve waited for Mr. Right to come along before loosing it, but I don’t reget it. I was raised in church, and with everything shoved down my throat, i dont know how much of a believer I really am anymore, I know that the life I’m living now isn’t considered right in the eyes of God, but Im not a bad person, If I like someone and was to be intimate with them in a sexual way then thats what I choose, if a girl wishes to wait, then she should wait. I have felt shame, but I have also felt complete bliss as well. To each their own I guess.

  125. Thankfully God’s love for us is not determined by the wrong or right that we do (and in this case waiting or not waiting to have sex.) He knew all of our sins and shortcomings before we ever were created and loved us and wants to have a relationship with us despite them.
    God created us with the desire to want someone who will love us, care for us and to share our most intimate parts of ourselves with. Virginity IS one of your most precious gifts that God gave you. It’s not your identity but it is apart of what makes you uniquely you. But God designed that part of a relationship to be between two people who were married and had vowed to each other to love God first in their lives together and to love each other. When this happens and the two people waited for each other, It will be the most wonderful, beautiful, and loving moment! It wont be awkward or dirty but a loving moment. But with this being said it doesnt mean that if you didnt wait that that moment cant be as special. Everyone makes mistakes and we all have past failures, but God can turn those around and make you pure again. Don’t regret the past but look to the future and know that God has great plans for your life, that include a wonderful, loving relationship with the person he has for you!

    I wish there had been someone in the girls life that told her that Sex is NOT bad, but can be amazing when it is with the person God designed for her. I am just thankful I had a mom and dad who cared enough to be very open with me about relationships and intimacy and explained in a way that encouraged me to stay a virgin until my wedding night and trust me I look forward to that night when I can finally give my all to the person who is going to love me and every part of me! :)

    Just remember no matter what we do God never stops loving us! his love covers every sin and only He can mend the broken heart! I hold to the truth that no matter what I do, nothing can separate me from the love of God!

    1 John 4:19 “We love because He first loved us.”
    1 John 4:10 “This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”

  126. Thank you for responding to the girl who waited and wished she didn’t! She needs to hear that God still loves her and can bring healing in the midst of her shame and embarrassment.
    I am a girl who is still waiting but am glad I’m waiting and will continue to wait! I trust in God’s plan!

    Thank you!
    God Bless

  127. First: That first paragraph on this blog is BEAUTIFUL. I cried reading it. The entire blog is beautiful in intention, but that first paragraph is wow.

    Second: I married the love of my life a year ago. We did not wait. We’d been having sex for almost 5 years. He is my one and only partner, and I was/am his. And yes, I do feel shame about that. Not because the church tells me I should, but because I felt a serious sever from God during that. I feel kind of worthless, not because I lost my virginity, but because I know that for 5 years, I put my sexual relationship in a more prominent position than my spiritual relationship. My sex life has continued to be great… But I have seriously apologized for putting my relationship with God on a back burner while I paid attention to my relationship with my SO.

    Maybe some of you don’t feel that way. That’s fine. Your walk with God is your own; I don’t think the OP is saying differently. I think she’s telling this beautiful woman who felt so horribly about what she’s done that sex and God can coexist, that God wouldn’t have made us this way if He decided it was a total sin. Lust is the sin. And I think sex becomes Lust-the-Sin when you put it before your relationship with God, which is where my shame comes in.

  128. The woman who made this blog post specifically said that if you want to and are comfortable with waiting, to please wait. She did not say that nobody should wait, she stated simply to wait (or not wait) because you want to. There are many people I know who waited and I’m happy for them, but plenty I know who did not wait that are equally as happy. Not everybody has the same belief about it and to me that’s okay. Whatever makes you happy, do that! As long as you are smart about what you do, then by all means go for it. Celebrate diversity!

    • Kelsey,

      You are right about one thing, we have free will. We have the ability to choose what makes us happy, or at least what we think will make us happy. But your position of moral ambiguity and relativity is not how we should approach this issue. Pragmatism is just a form of fear of standing for the truth. See it isn’t us, as people, who has determined that sex should remain within the confines of marriage, but God himself. We should not be encouraging men and women, boys and girls, to choose what seems to make them happy, if it is wrong. In the end, it will not bring happiness. Maybe not in the near future, but all our sins have a cost, especially for those who do not believe. Sin is fun. And it will remain fun til the day we die. Our happiness is important, but must be sacrificed at the cost of our obedience to the Lord.

      • I am 100 with kelsey. I think whatever you believe is exactly that. And who am I to say your wrong ? Who are you to say i’m wrong, or that she’s wrong? I am not God. YOU are NOT God! ! Your opinion( which IS what it is), your personal obligations are all YOUR own. Until we speak with God ourselves, and the world receives tangible evidence that what you say is indeed how it is it will continue to i only be YOUR opinion that YOU BELIEVE should be forced on others and in my opinion it is IMMORAL to FORCE anything on others (except for justice, of course if someone is being harmed) .

        • Brittany,

          This isn’t my opinion, its God’s COMMAND.

          “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” Hebrews 13:4

          Unless of course you don’t read your Bible, which would explain your moral ambiguity. There is a standard, God’s standard.

          In the case you are not a Christian, regardless of your “beliefs” in the existence of God, you are living under and within his plan. Just because you may not believe there is a God, doesn’t mean he simply ceases to exist, nor does it mean you won’t be held accountable for your life and choices.

          • The scripture you quoted also says that God will judge the “sexually I’m moral and adulterous.” Therefore, according to your own beliefs, you have no right to judge anyone who chose not to wait.
            Honestly, this all focuses on Old Testament laws, which were made null and void by the sacrifice of Jesus. That being said the to wait or not to wait question is sort of moot. I think we should all be making decisions based on what is right for us, individually. And we shouldn’t shame people for the choices they make.

      • Seth I totally agree with you 100% people do have free will and the ability to chose what they do and how they live their lives but that doesn’t give them a free pass to go against the way that God wants us To live our lives without having to face the consequences of our sins. Christ loved us so much that He died for us and the least we can do to repay Him is recieve this gift of salvation and to live our lives reflecting Him. The world we live in today is so messed up but people need to start taking a stand and stepping out from the crowd and standing up for Christ and how he wants us to live our lives for Him.

  129. Thank you so much for writing this blog. I know you’re receiving a lot of flak because of it, but I am utterly thankful that you have spoken.
    Blessings and Love, a Girl Who’s Still Waiting

  130. Do you realize that your words could cause a woman who has had sex outside of marriage to feel further guilt than she may already feel? Your experience is not right for everyone. Women should be taught that their virginity does not define them, and you are teaching them the opposite.

    • Did you read the preface to the article? The author made it clear it was not her intention to make others feel worse, and others from all walks of life are worthy and valuable and no less than those who have waited. I didn’t wait and reading this article didn’t make me feel any more shameful. I believe the author means to be positive and encouraging.

      • Just saying that you think someone is fantastic and great doesn’t make the following message any less hurtful.

        “You look awesome today, you are beautiful! You just need to fix your hair and trim your nails and press the wrinkles out of your clothes, and really you could stand to lose about 10 pounds and that mole on your cheek is not doing you any favors.”

        • You’re missing the point. And just because someone takes offense despite the authors intentions, why should she bite her tongue? The original author had every right to share what she wrote, just as this author has a right to share her article. We as readers have the choice to read or ignore. Why do so many say “we have a right to choose for ourselves” then get bent out of shape when others disagree with your choice? Bottom line is, if it’s hurtful to you, don’t read it.

          • How can I un-read something that just hurt me to read? It’s like un-hearing something that I just heard and it hurt me.

  131. I doubt anyone will read this, but I want to put my two cents in.

    I have felt shame and regret after having sex with someone. I have also felt loving and fulfilled and wonderful after having sex with someone. In neither case was I married, nor am I now, and in neither case did what God thinks about me have anything to do with it.

    “Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse.”

    You, ma’am, are calling me a liar and I just don’t think that’s true. The way you feel after having sex with someone has nothing to do with an objective morality designed by God and everything to do with your own inner moral compass shaped by your parents, your religion, your friends, and your own soul searching. I was raised Catholic, and I know the church’s teachings on sexuality. They don’t ring true to me. I would never say that anyone was wrong to wait until marriage, and if that sits right with you, please go for it. But I don’t want your patronizing pity for not following your moral code instead of my own.

    • You say “I have felt shame and regret after having sex with someone…. In neither case was I married.” Then you say “You, ma’am, are calling me a liar and I just don’t think that’s true.”

      Actually no, she said that you have felt guilt and shame with someone after sleeping with someone whom you were not married to. She didn’t say that every person you have sex with is going to cause you guilt and shame, she just said you have felt it. Then you agreed you have felt it and then said that she is calling you a liar.

      I don’t mind how you feel about sex but I recognized you were arguing fallaciously and needed to point it out.

  132. Editing note: You will lose credibility immediately with most readers by misusing the term “literally.”

    You wrote: “There is a blog going around right now called “I Waited Until I Was Married To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I Hadn’t” and reading it literally breaks my heart.”

    If your heart was literally broken, you would be in the hospital, or dead.

    • Being as there is LITERALLY no argument that “breaks my heart” is an emotional reference, the use of the word is correct. Your credibility is what is in question……..

    • I believe that what you have said is very true, but I feel like there is something more important that is not being addressed. She suffers from brokenness in many areas, she has suffered from false teaching and godly leadership according to her stance that her sexual problems came from her church. I would say that her biggest issue is she suffers from broken sexuality and I feel this is an issue many don’t have language for or understanding of. Yes I believe in Gods word and that it is by his design that man and woman should make a covenant of marriage before having sexual relations. We have come so far from this concept in modern times that it is a very touchy subject. Not to say that Gods grace and mercy does not cover sexual sin it diffenitly does because his love covers a multitude of sins and it doesn’t exclude sex. I understand where she stands because I myself have a very broken perspective upon sexuality. The bible talks about the devil coming to kill, steal, and destroy and that is exactly what is happening in many women’s life. Even though she saved herself for marriage there’s many ways the enemy can come in and destroy our perspective on sexuality therefore stealing the joy and pleasure God created us to receive from it. I grew up in a normal family that didn’t go to church or have Christian beliefs. I was sexually abused at a young age and my family was very laid back and open about their sexuality. I was naturally more reserved and prude I didnt like discussing sexual topics. Later on when I began to experiment with my sexuality I realized I had the wrong view and perspective of sexuality. I never felt comfortable and always regretted it. I later in became Christian and surrendered my lifestyle to God. Many years later it is still an area that I need to receive healing in. I’ve never blamed God, the church, or people for my brokenness because I understand it’s just the situation I was dealt and I must choose to overcome it with Gods strength on my side. I still don’t understand why it is so difficult for me to find healing from this but I know in due time I will discover the answers and be set free in this area. I just wanted to raise awareness that it is not a purity issue a church issue it’s a heart issue. In order for us to overcome it we must be willing to have faith and hope and fight against the odds. For God has plans that will prosper us, no matter what our circumstances are!:)

  133. Saying the most precious part of a woman is her virginity and that she owes it to her husband is actually incredibly offensive. A woman’s virginity is not her identity. It is absolutely nobody else’s business except for hers what she chooses to do or not to do with her own body. If she chooses to wait until marriage, cool. If she chooses to have sex with a dozen men, cool. It’s HER own choice. It’s funny because the topic of “how precious a person’s virginity is” seems to only really pop up when talking about women. Women should not be judged for being sexual beings. Sex is great. It needs to stop seeming like this scary thing that determines someone’s worth. Because it doesn’t. As long as you are ready and want to, go for it. It’s your own choice.

    • She definitely never said virginity was the most precious part of a woman, and of course men should be held to the same standard, but you do realize this post is a direct response to what another woman wrote? If a man had written the first blog I’m sure this one would talk more about men.

  134. I don’t know if this has been said, but here goes:
    Our bodies are NOT our own. “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit…you are not your own…you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.” I Cor. 6:19-20. If you have not made a commitment to Jesus first, then all this talk about virginity is meaningless to you. You’re still doing whatever you deem best, instead of trusting what Jesus says.
    When you hear sincere Christians talk about abstaining, remember there’s a mix of experiences from them too, not just yours. When I became a Christian, Jesus didn’t take anything from me but my sorrows and in exchange, gave me a new life. The “theology” you remember hearing is incomplete. Yes, there’s sin and yes, there’s a penalty for it. But there’s also the cross, and that beautiful Man Who took all sin on Himself. If we walk with Him in faith, He sets us free – and that freedom is greater than anything else.

    • For the first time, on this blog, someone ( by that I mean this person) used scripture to back what they were saying. I love hearing people’s opinions about what they think is fact but you really can’t take away the fact that God created sex for man and woman to fully enjoy after marriage…I’ll state my opinion about the girl who waited and wish she hadn’t. I believe she was feeling embarrassed and mistakenly thought she should be ashamed of what she has done. For what I can remember in the bible what she has done by waiting has been nothing but right in Gods eyes. There should be no shame about what she has done. But only Joy that she has done one of the hardest things God has asked us to do and just simply wait.
      I failed this task I didn’t wait for marriage I’m dating a woman I believe is changing my life everyday and yes I feel shameful for not waiting till marriage to have sex but at the same time she didn’t either and I feel a constant comparison between her and past relationship and I feel she does the same thing and that’s not fair for her to get these comparisons. But I can say in total honesty she has been the 1st place winner in all caparison catagories.
      I honestly regret not putting God first and honoring his request for abstenance. Idk if I spelt that right but you get the point.

  135. I felt really sorry for the girl who wrote the original article. I waited for sex until marriage and I felt completely opposite to the way she felt. I was excited for marriage and all it’s blessings. I felt comfortable with my husband from the very beginning of our marriage. However, I know she’s not the only person who was taught to wait for marriage and wasn’t completely comfortable in the beginning. I wish the church and Christian parents did a better job of getting across the message that “Sex is good and to be celebrated but only within the safe place of marriage.” Often kids hear “Sex is bad.” I know there are great parents out there that do a great job of teaching their kids about sex and there are some great organizations that have great teachings about sex but so many Christian kids don’t seem to be getting the best message. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts, Savannah!

  136. Thank you so much, I’m 17 years old and still waiting no matter how much the world temptations are agaisnt it! I am so blessed by reading this, another prove of God’s love to me. Love the way you stood up for your beliefs, that’s how I see not having sex, I am proving God that I love him more than the world’s pleasures.

    • I am very happy for you Alex, I am 22 and I have vowed to wait until marriage as well. I do not plan on being married for another 4+ years but if God introduces my one and only into my life before then, great! I will still pray for strength and faith to wait until we have joined together in holy matrimony.

      Our bodies are temples for the Lord Jesus Christ to live within us and should not be desecrated with sexual immorality. Sex is to be used to solidify and strengthen your marriage and should never be self seeking but only be looking for your wife’s satisfaction and well-being.

      God bless you Alex, please keep your faith strong and know that He is always right beside you ready to guide and lift you up in all of your struggles.

  137. Articles like these are more harmful than any article that discusses the shame felt by women who wait until marriage to lose their virginity. It tells women that sex makes them worthless, somehow “less” to their husbands, and that if they’re not “pure” there is something less about them. It pins their value on their vagina, and nothing else about them.

    I didn’t wait to have sex. I had sex for the first time with a guy I loved, whom I eventually broke up with, and sex with several other guys whom I didn’t. I currently have sex with my fiance, whom I love with all my heart. We live together, and we’re not married. He knows about my sexual history. And he doesn’t care.

    Sex doesn’t define a woman. It’s a beautiful part of the human experience that should be approached on an individual basis, but it certainly doesn’t affect their value as a person. For those of you who are ashamed that you didn’t wait to have sex until you were married, have you ever asked yourselves why? Does having sex before marriage somehow make you less able to love, be loyal, be a good partner? Almost every single woman my age has had sex outside the context of marriage, and guess what… it doesn’t affect any of these things.

    I am fiercely loyal to my fiance. We have an amazing, comforting relationship. We have a fantastic sex life that has lost none of its intimacy; in fact, just because we love each other so much, it’s more intimate than any I’ve had with anyone else. I know that because I’ve had other sexual experiences. I’m not ashamed that I’ve had them; they’ve given me an invaluable perspective. My fiance doesn’t think me any less for having them, either. That’s because he doesn’t care whether or not I have an intact piece of flesh in my vagina that assures him that any babies I have will be his. I’m so much more than that to him. He loves me for my heart, for my mind, for my personality. That’s the true worth of a woman. That’s the thing a man should value in his partner. There is no such thing as “purity” other than a pure, honest heart.

    • This article does not link women’s value to their vaginas! Society does that all on it’s own! I cannot count how many men I have lost because I refused to have sex with them! I admit there are times that I gave in to the men but I hated myself for it afterward. I also did not wait but wish that I had. I have a fiancé that doesn’t care about my history but I do. I constantly worry about whether my past is going to come back to haunt us. to this author, I completely agree with you

      • Why should you hate yourself? Have you ever asked yourself that? Have you ever really explored why you feel that way? Please don’t fall into that trap. Your fiance sees it, why don’t you? Please don’t hate yourself; you are so much more as a person than the number of partners you’ve had.

      • “Society does that all on its own”

        But this article is part of our society, written by someone who is part of our society. The argument that society is some separate entity that does things all on its own is not really valid.

  138. I can only speak from my own life and experience, but I married at 22 and stayed a virgin until then. I am happy about my decision to not bring baggage into my marriage. My husband and I were both inexperienced and tried to figure things out on our honeymoon. After trying to learn how to make love and not being too successful, we decided to just enjoy the opportunity to be in a beautiful place, to swim in the ocean and eat delicious meals. We put off our learning until we got back home. Here is the great part…we figured it out! After being married for 40 years we have an amazing sex life!!! Wow!!!! We are glad that we decided to learn these things together. There are years to get to know one another and what a great time it is as each year gets more and more abundant with loving one another. I am glad I waited. I haven’t any regrets. Making love is wonderful and God has made it beautiful!

    • I waited and I am so grateful that my husband did too. We know for a fact that we don’t have to worry about STD’s. It may have been awkward the first time but you get to figure things out together. It’s a beautiful thing just as God has intended it. So whether or not you believe in God it’s a smart thing to wait and then there is no doubt of STD’s or STI’s.

  139. “Do you know how many young impressionable girls have read your blog?”

    Maybe you should think about young impressionable girls that are reading your blog, and the harms in the messages you are saying. I agree that waiting can be a beautiful thing, but when you say virginity is so precious, you imply that the people without it aren’t. I was raped when I was 19. I felt like a chewed piece of gum. I had lost my virginity, and everything I’d learned up to that point had told me that I should be very ashamed. I wouldn’t receive certain blessings. I wasn’t pure. I wasn’t whole.

    But looking back, I shouldn’t have placed so much importance on my virginity, and I certainly shouldn’t have been taught that I was basically trash without it. And that is the problem I have with your article and many of the responses to it.

    • Did you not read the very first paragraph? You are NOT trash. You are special and full of worth. This article gives a wonderful message without condemning those who did not wait. I was also raped. It was not my choice. I remember feeling just the way you described. Even though I have lost my virginity, I am made new in Jesus Christ. I will keep my promise to God, and not have sex (by choice) until I am married. You can help other women with your story, you can use it to save someone’s life.

    • I first want to say how sorry I am that you experienced rape, but I believe you are a little confused as to what virginity is and it’s importance.

      Virginity is not something that can be taken, it has to be given. It cannot be lost through being raped. Virginity is only lost when a person chooses to give themselves to another.

      As to the important of virginity. Virginity is not about saving yourself for your spouse, rather, it is about following God’s law. God designed relationship and knows that being faithful to a person can help nurture that relationship, even when you are being faithful to them before you have met them. It isn’t neccesary to be sexually faithful for a happy relationship, but in the majority of cases I would say it certaintly helps to be faithful.

    • Dear Jade,
      I’m so sorry for the experience you went through. I’m so sorry that the choice that should have been yours was so cruelly taken from you. It should have been yours to make. I’m also sorry for how your robbed choice has cheapened your perspective on virginity and its affect on a human’s self-worth.
      You’re right–you shouldn’t have been taught that a person was trash without their virginity. Every life is precious. With or without their virginity. A person’s worth is not determined by it. A person’s worth comes from God–and he made you. He made you in his image, to be a masterpiece. You are magnificent. You are beautiful, and you are loved.
      But you are wrong about some things too. Virginity is important. Not because of its physical implications or its social status or because of how it makes you feel. Those are all fleeting and essentially meaningless. Virginity is important because God’s desire is for sex to be a part of marriage only. He designed it that way. Not to impose rules on anyone, but to protect his masterpiece from being marred by the emotional baggage and damage sex outside of marriage can do.
      Unfortunately, mankind hasn’t always sought that protection, and as you know all too well, there are those who would strip even the choice of that protection from others. It should have been your choice to choose virginity or not, and the consequences of that choice–both good and bad.
      Again, I’m so sorry that such a precious choice was taken from you, and that you’ve had to figure out life in the aftermath of it. But please, don’t let being rapped cheapen the true purpose and beauty that is in virginity. And don’t let your experience diminish your self-worth, either. Remember, you were, are, and always will be a wonderful handiwork of God’s, made in his image. No one can take that away from you.
      I pray that you will find the ultimate peace, joy, hope, love, and happiness in the Lord of all Creation. It is from him that all true happiness and joy comes from.

  140. I gave away my virginity at 14 to a grown man who had no right in having it. That started me in a downwards spiral of abusive relationships. I continued to give myself away to men not so deserving. I learned quick that if I didn’t give these guys my body that they would take what they wanted anyways. Through theses relationships I began using a variety of drugs and by fifteen was a full blown addict, allowing man after man to use me, then throw me away like yesterday’s trash. I held onto so much shame and guilt for so long, the further I fell into sexual immorality the deeper the shame cut me. Now I was raised in church, my father is actually a pastor and has been since I can remember. At age 17 my parents sent me to Teen challenge because they seen my destructive patterns and had no idea how to help me. It was there in teen challenge that I stood before God with all my dirt, shame, and guilt, believing that I was nothing more the an object to me used and then disposed of. I stood there suicidal and believing that I had nothing left to give. I thought I was used trash, but man when I handed God my what was left of my broken heart and gave Him complete control of my shattered life, He did the unthinkable. The Lord restored me, He delivers me from my addiction and heeled all my afflictions. Not only did He give me reason to live but he breathed life into the parts of my spirit and soul that had been smoothed by the lies and the hurts that were so deeply embedded in me. I tell you all that to tell you this, even though The Lord restored me I still had to live with the consequences of my actions. I had to stand before my husband and tell him that I didn’t think he was worth waiting for, while he stood before me handing me a gift that he fought hard to hold onto. It broke his heart to hear if my not so bright past, and to hear that I had given away a piece of me that was always meant for him. Even though I didn’t get the chance to share my first time with my husband though, God is mending that hurt in both of us.

  141. …You are waiting because you love God…not to boast….about waiting……..the problem….was you don’t know the true meaning of waiting…you just obey without knowing….your main goal…….

  142. I read the blog “The girl who waited and wished she hadn’t” and it broke my heart as well. I became fearful of the impact it would have on young girls and their decision to wait until marriage.

    Being 21, engaged, and a virgin, I find my identity in Christ, not my virginity. However, because of my identity in Christ and knowing how God designed marriage and sex to be I chose virginity until I am married and am blessed that my finance has too.

    However, my best friend did not. She was in love and planned on marrying this man she had sex with, but when it fell through I watched her break. She thought of how one day she would have to tell her future husband that she did not wait. We cried together. She wanted the special thing to be the way God designed it to be. She felt shame, but knows that God still loves her the same and finds to be precious and full of purpose.

    I feel the shame from sex inside marriage comes from the way sex is taught. It is like churches are trying to scare young people into being virgins by talking like sex is bad and dirty. I may be a virgin, but I know sex is a beautiful thing in the context God made it for. My future husband is worth waiting for.

    I feel blessed that I grew up in a church that did not make sex sound like something awful or dirty. It was described as something so beautiful, intimate, and precious that it should be saved for the way God intended it.

    Thank you for speaking out about this. Even though I see these hateful comments, you did the right thing.
    2 Timothy 3:12 says:
    “In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted”
    May God bless you.

    In Christ,
    The Girl who is glad she is waiting

  143. I didn’t take from her story that she thought waiting meant nothing. It just meant nothing to her when weighed against the damage it did. I thought she left a very strong message that if you choose to wait it should be because YOU want to and because it means something to you. Rather than, like most young girls, being pressured into waiting through guilt and the threat of burning in hell.

    • I completely agree with you! It all depends on the person whether you wait or not the person you marry will love you the same. That was your past life. The life they are interested in is the one that you spend with them. I did not wait but the guy I am with love’s me to the moon and back. He does not judge me or think less. For me waiting wasn’t my answer. of course I was heartbroken but that comes with dating.

  144. The difference between her article and yours is that she was sharing her own experience and not trying to claim it was universal. You are sharing your own experience and asserting that because YOU felt that way, EVERYONE will/should feel that way. That’s not how being human works, sadly.

  145. I wonder if it occurred to you that perhaps you were able to have sex without shame in your marriage as a result of the learning and growing you experienced after your early sexual experiences. Yes, you may wish you had given your virginity to your husband, but who’s to say that your experience then would not have been very similar to that of the blogger you wrote this in reply to.

    I think that sex is an incredibly big deal, and that it’s very important to have sex for the first time when you’re ready, but that readiness depends on the person. Their religious beliefs may impact their readiness, but ultimately, as a general rule, I don’t think your marital status implicitly has an impact on readiness (unless you choose to make that part of the equation). While your religious beliefs obviously became a refuge for you after a heartbreak, that does not mean that others will cope in the same way.

    • “I wonder if it occurred to you that perhaps you were able to have sex without shame in your marriage as a result of the learning and growing you experienced after your early sexual experiences.”

      Pretty much exactly what I thought.

  146. I am sad to hear that her years of being pure hurt her in the end: Although sadly I can see how it could happened based on the fact that while growing up society and church really do demoralize sex for girls/women. :(

    I was and still am a
    good Christian young woman. My mom had always taught me to wait and I did wait until later on. I waited for a guy who I felt I could trust and who I could talk to about anything. I waited a year or so into our dating life and had a few, prob about 5 at different times (sorry to him) very serious long talks about how important giving my v card up was to me. I made the conscious choice that I was ready to have sex and also enjoy a future honeymoon which did not leave me sore and hurt the whole time during it (this was my choice, not saying it does or attempting to offend anyone). I’ll be honest I did feel super guilty at first because I felt this was not how I was ‘raised’ to be however I made my choice and my feelings about it our my own. Listen to yourself, seriously talk to your significant other, and think before you decided.

    • It wasn’t her years of purity that caused her trouble. We as Christians need to remember that God gave us sex as a wonderful gift and that gift, like His greatest gift is also wonderful.
      We spend so much time telling our children to wait that we forget to remind them how wonderful it will be to learn about this gift with their spouse. Tell our children the truth…yes, you first time may be awkward or painful at first; yes, you may be embarrassed to be seen by your spouse naked but you will learn to enjoy it; yes, sex will get better as you learn what you like and your partner likes and teach each other.
      Finally we need to teach our children that sex and our bodies are nothing to ashamed of when we are with the one that we are meant to be with.

  147. I commend and admire you with your response. I don’t think anyone could have put it better. I was completely disturbed to the misunderstanding of Gods unconditional love for this woman and her decision to leave Christ due to that misunderstanding. It is so incredibly heartbreaking to hear of people so completely lost and broken in sin without realizing it.
    Thank you for your willingness to be vulnerable. I was saddened by the influence of our society and by the beliefs of humanity- but my hope is restored! God can heal anyone, He loves His children so much!

  148. I can see and respect aspects of both opinions expressed in both the original article and this response. I can also see and respect opinions of all of those who have responded with their own comments.

    My concern for both of these blogs is that they both express some very deep-seeded and multi-layered issues that, as adults reading through them, readers are discussing and debating the actual meaning. However, I am also a teacher, and through my professional facebook profile, I am watching this article trend, be ‘liked’ and ‘shared’ among many young girls between the ages of 12-16 who are not then involving themselves in these discussions to see the bigger issues or have them explained to them. It begs the questions “What overall message are these girls getting from both blogs that they feel the need to like and share?” and “Who is working through this information with them the same way we are on boards like this?”

    Who was the intended audience of the original blog? It is slightly confusing as it is written with the perspective of what happened between the ages of 10 and early 20s. Yet, if the intent is not to influence younger audiences then maybe the writer is talking to those in the church/conservative communities about the messages they send. But, again, if no one is talking through this with the young readers then is that the clear message??

    As adults, it is so important that we think about how loaded our words can be, especially when we write them down and post them online.

  149. Sex before marriage is not what God intended and if people aren’t ashamed it’s because they’ve strayed so far from Him. God gave MALE and FEMALE a virgin state at birth. That is a gift that’s supposed to be shared within marriage. Keeping your virginity is not an issue of holding onto your ‘identity’, it’s an issue of obedience to God. I raised all four of my children to understand the importance of obedience to the Father and to remain pure in heart, mind, AND body until marriage. One daughter and both of my sons were virgins on their wedding nights and they have expressed to me and my husband that they were grateful for the guidance we gave them about marriage issues and purity because they have something now that was never shared with anyone except their spouses. Something sacred and sweet to them. My other daughter is still a virgin and is waiting for God’s man to come into her life, marry her, and THEN begin her sexual journey. Were any of my kids prudes? No. They were highly thought of by their classmates, friends, and adults that they encountered in their lives. Sexual purity reaches further than just losing virginity (whether you are male or female), it is a characteristic that reaches to the heavens and shows that you are committed to the things of God. I, myself, strayed and because of losing my virginity outside of marriage, I strove to instill its importance to my children. Again, it’s more an issue of obedience to God than just to the flesh.

    • You said things that many readers may not realize. You encouraged your children to be pure in mind, spirit, and body. You put that sex is a beautiful thing best shared with your husband. The young girl felt ashamed of sex. That it was dirty and sinful. That holding onto it was great if going to hell. Not that is was speical and beautiful. You did a wonderful thing instilling this value in your children but unfortunably not all of us had the same loving environment.

  150. This is a very depressing way to respond to that girl’s blog. You send several negative messages and implications by responding to her like that.

    Yes, you are shaming her. You are shaming her by pitying her [saying “sorry” over and over again] and her feelings and emotions, things she had no control over. You are right that she shouldn’t feel shame. But that shame was caused by years of having it beat into her head that sex is sinful. It’s simple psychology, really. Your conscious gets used to the belief that “sex is sinful before you’re married” but it knows no different feeling after you get married. It is already used to the belief that sex is sinful and it just can’t change in the blink of an eye. That’s why she felt dirty and unpure and began to hate sex afterward. That is why therapy was needed, to change that mindset. She could not help any of that, and it’s not right to make her feel bad and discourage her from sharing her story.

    Stop saying you’re sorry. Sorry is a word for apologizing when somebody does something wrong.

    You are also implying that your sex life and your realization that you should have waited are more important than anyone else’s.
    “Here, this is how it should have happened, just like my story. Sorry it didn’t turn out that way for you.” That is unfair.
    And shame on you, for saying “Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse.” You don’t speak for every woman in the world. I definitely don’t feel regret or shame or even embarassment when I make love to my boyfriend.

    You know, that girl’s blog hit me right in the heart, because I too wish I didn’t wait. But for a completely different reason. I’m not saying I should have had sex before I was ready for it. I’m glad I waited until I felt I was grown enough to handle such an adult experience. I’m saying I shouldn’t have waited because the man I married turned out to be like all the others one tries to avoid.

    It’d be easier to think of her blog as this: it is absolutely NOT there to convince young girls to give it up, but it is indeed there because of that one sentence “I wish I hadn’t waited.” So those married [or formerly married] women that have the same opinion don’t have to feel alone. I certainly don’t feel alone anymore, and it is a very comforting feeling.

    ~Girl Who Also Feels She Shouldn’t Have Waited

  151. Of course you’re getting tons of flack about being old-fashioned. It’s part of this territory.

    Be encouraged. Most people don’t know the value or purpose of chastity, and waiting sure doesn’t happen naturally. I was very promiscuous and proud of it before marriage. Church was stupid and irrelevant to me, and so was purity. Yet while I was being a loud enemy of Christ he loved me in my brokenness. He renewed my mind and transformed me, and gave me a heart of flesh instead of stone.

    I agree 100% with you that a person’a virginity is absolutely one of the most precious parts of any person. Not THE most important part of a person, but you said “one of” the most precious parts. Right on.

    Freedom from impurity in mind, emotions, and body is equally as important as the health across the entirety of who we are. We are not meant to be compartmentalized, fractured into different parts of ourselves. Sexual status is a holistic issue that affects everything about us. Healing and wholeness and independence from people who would use/abuse us– that is beautiful. Don’t stop saying it. I love your message, your opinion is valid regardless of who else gets mad, and you’re allowed to respond to someone who has posted her opinion out there for the world to see. Praying for you, sis, be strong.

  152. Thank you SO very much for this article! I know you are being criticized for what you wrote, but thank you for writing it, for standing for the truth, even though you knew you would get mud thrown at you. I totally agree with you and there were some things in there that I needed to be reminded of. I believe God wanted me to read this tonight and directed it to me. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart!

  153. Dear Girl Who Didn’t Wait But Wishes She Would Have,
    The two takeaways I had from your article are as follows–
    1: Ironically you are confirming that if she didn’t wait she would have felt less shame, by telling her you didn’t feel shame, you who didn’t wait… It doesn’t make sense to tell her you felt no shame right after you admit you didn’t wait because that is exactly the opposite point you appear to have been aiming for.
    2: You seem to regret something that isn’t worth it. Stand by your decision and realize it was part of what made you the woman you are today. No one is going to be proud of everything they do, but you can take responsibility for it and learn and grow and let it be a positive part of you and your story. Big or small, everything you do affects the rest of your life and that’s what makes you you.

  154. I have read the original article and this article and a handful of the replies here. I would have read more, but there are soooooo many of them.

    I am thoroughly aware that my opinions will be discarded as narrow-minded and intolerant and truthfully, they are. I have a narrow definition of right and wrong that is governed by a relationship with someone who loves me more than all the other people in history combined could ever love me, not just do what feels good or right. As for intolerance, no one tolerates what they find to be true evil. Who would tolerate the acts of 911 as “it was right for them”? That is how I view the effects associated the long-term pain that ALL sexual immorality brings seconds to decades after the act itself.

    All that being said, I don’t care what you think of me because I will never meet more than a handful of you. The handful of you I will meet, I won’t meet you here on Earth. At least not knowingly.

    I am waiting (present tense), but not for the sake of being able to “give the most important part of myself to my husband” (sarcastic voice). I’m waiting for me. The most important part of me is me, not my virginity, but the whole work-in-progress package!

    To say that abstinence isn’t protective is absurd, but the common theme being portrayed to everyone within reach of the media is that you are missing out and there is something wrong with you if you wait. The side that popular sexual philosophy doesn’t address is the pain caused by disease, unplanned crisis, and depression that comes with sex outside of God’s design. Even though EVERYONE knows they are connected because all fields of human biology, sociology, and psychology have proven the connection. If God turns you off then listen to science. Extra marital sex is dangerous. For all parties.

    To the girl who waited and wishes she hadn’t: I’m not convinced that taking a pledge at age ten was the right plan for your church leadership to do, but they really did have YOUR best interest at heart because they love you! They understand the pain and evil associated with extra marital sex and they wanted to shield you from that. As far as being a mascot, you put that pressure on yourself and i can certainly understand how. Others may have harped on it, but you don’t have to go far to see why if you are being raised in a church. The Bible has the reasons right there in black and white. That is God’s live letter to you! No offense, but I can only see a stigma about marital sex if you don’t have the love of Jesus in your life. All those people congratulating you at your wedding were celebrating the beauty of your accomplishment, but more than that they were celebrating what is arguably the second most beautiful and pure act of love there is (not just sex, but the whole marriage). The first being Christ’s sacrificial atonement. To miss out on the love of Jesus is the true travesty.

    I am waiting. I know it will not be enjoyable at first. Giving myself to my future husband is so much more than losing my virginity to him. The same can be said for him too. Marriage is two individuals becoming one and to limit that to sexual activity is insulting. It encompasses the whole of both people. I’m waiting. I’m waiting for my husband, but mostly I’m waiting for myself. And I am totally ok with that because I am completely satisfied with Jesus’ love. That is way more than enough!

  155. I don’t think the woman who wrote the blog about not waiting to have sex is trying to pass on a negative message to young girls at all. She’s only stating her experience, and how she feels. In the end, she states, “If you want to wait to have sex until marriage make sure it’s because you want to. It’s your body; it belongs to you, not your church.” Clearly, her identity as a virgin only served to cause her emotional pain in her marriage. I think her writing the blog is for other young girls out there who may be going through the same issues.

  156. Loved this!! I personally waited for my wedding night and do not regret it one bit! I personally saw my virginity as a gift that I wanted to keep and only give to my hubby. My wedding night was amazing!! I hope more girls decide to wait.. It’s not always easy but so worth it :) I hope all of the negative posts that are on here don’t get you down. Be blessed!!

  157. Everyone is thrashing out comments ridiculing her for throwing her opinion out there. If what her opinion shouldn’t be posted, then you have no right to state your opinion either. This topic is not one way or the other. There are many opinions out there. The value of your opinion is based on you value of others. Keep the peace. I’m a Christian and I don’t bash atheist. I know atheist that don’t bash Christians. Why can’t that happen here?

  158. How can you call yourself Christians and condone premarital sex? The bible warns against fornification and ALL sins because it doesn’t lead to happiness. All sin leads to destruction. I think the bible says to not have sex outside of marriage because look at how many girls fall into depression because they gave their virginity away to someone who saw them as a number. Women are emotionally tied and when you have sex you are creating soul ties. Everytime you give that it away you are creating a soul tie with each and every person. I honestly think some of you are getting very defensive because you do feel, shame and guilt but are in denial or numb to it. Women that sleep around have low self esteem. I didn’t wait and wish I did although the only person was my husband. Things have happened where I question his love and whether if he would’ve waited for me. We are in a world of hurt and honestly, if I had waited maybe things would’ve been different. I think because of that emotional bond and soul tie I felt that I needed to stay. Girls, if a man loves you he will wait for you. Don’t just give it away.

  159. I’m sure that this wasn’t written out with any intent to insult or argue, but I’m not fond of the tone here. This is all just my opinion, of course. To outright say she’s wrong for telling people that one’s virginity doesn’t matter and to express how it’s each person’s choice at the same time doesn’t seem right. First off, the message that virginity doesn’t matter isn’t the takeaway message for the original blog. She emphatically expresses at the end that virginity should be kept or lost because of what the person wants, not what others say. Second, when Mrs. Hartman points out the “young impressionable girls,” it treats them as though they can’t form decisions on their own. If it impacts their way of thinking, they still get to decide for themselves what they want, and they can go for others for council if they want to. I guess what I’m saying is that the original blog wasn’t intended to be persuasive towards disregarding virginity. I took away that it was supposed to tell people to think for themselves and let their own minds form their decisions.

  160. “Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse.” This isn’t true… not always. I lost my virginity to a man I wasn’t married to, but I never, ever regretted having sex with him, and I never felt ashamed of it either. I was in a committed relationship, I was head-over-heels in love, and I know he deserved to be the one to take my virginity. We both wanted it to happen, we were in love, we both lost our virginity that night, and neither of us are ashamed of it. Nor do we regret it. I respect some people’s desire to wait until marriage, but to say that any woman who has had sex outside of marriage has felt regret and shame over it is honestly kind of insulting. Sex is meant to be an act of love, so if you and your partner are in love, you shouldn’t be ridiculed for having sex just because you’re not married. Sex isn’t something to be ashamed of if you did it as an act of love. I do think you should wait to lose your virginity, but not necessarily until marriage, until you’re in love is long enough in my opinion.

    • The difference between her article and yours is that she is not publicly shaming anyone else for their decisions. She does not tell anyone else what they should or shouldn’t feel like they have to do with their bodies. You, on the other hand, are telling everyone what they SHOULD do based on a book written thousands of years ago, and not based on what they feel is right in the moment. Sex outside of marriage is not shameful or dirty or unhealthy- yes, it can be, but not specifically because it happens outside of marriage. Just like not all sex that happens within marriage is wonderful and magical- and who are YOU of all people to tell someone how they should feel about sex with anyone else? I’m sorry you wish you waited, but that doesn’t mean everyone else will feel the same. And if the other girl’s article encouraged young women to think about their decision to wait and look at their bodies as their own personal property and not something to “give” to someone else, that is wonderful.

    • Thank you for this comment. I was a little offended by that part of the post because it isn’t true. I’ve never been married, have had several sexual partners, some I was in love with, some I wasn’t, and I’ve never felt ashamed to have had sex with any of them. Sure, one or two were a mistake but those mistakes, along with the other sexual experiences, forced me to figure out who I am, what I want sexually and to know when I’ve found the right person for me if I should choose to marry. Sexual chemistry is so very important in a loving committed relationship and sometimes it just isn’t there. Had I waited until marriage for my first sexual encounter, I could find out that I don’t have any sexual chemistry with the person I married no matter how much I emotionally love them. It’s a lot more complicated to deal with that lack of chemistry once married. It’s not necessarily something you can fix.

      If someone chooses to wait until marriage, that is their decision. I’m not going to judge that person because their opinion on the matter differs from mine, and all I ask is that they respect my opinion as well because my life, my body, and my choices have nothing to do with them.

      I also despise the terminology “lost my virginity” or “I gave him/her my virginity” as if someone isn’t a whole person anymore once they give that “special” part away. To me it implies you are an object, a trophy, and not a human being. Sex shouldn’t be about losing a part of yourself, but about becoming more whole. I was 20 when I chose to begin my sexual journey and I’ve enjoyed what I have learned about myself from it.

      Let’s stop shaming each other and start loving our fellow humans.

    • I was scanning though blogs when I happened to come across this topic. I am in search for answers. For facts.

      “Sex is meant to be an act of love”
      I love how you are trying to be philosophical here.. but the question is.. is it really an act of love? How do you know that?
      (What is Love?)
      Who decides what everything is?
      This is a difference in Opinion.. The person who posted her thoughts based her truth on the Bible. I do not know where you put your values or what makes you so confident in making such confident statements…
      Are you: the creator of sex? are you the owner of it? Do you or whatever made you think that “sex is meant to be an act of love” reliable?
      If so. Then great! At least give us some of your reasoning. If you were truly confident about this… please tell me.

      Is it wrong to be seeking for the truth?
      The author of this post is not trying to prove anyone wrong. She is explaining her point of view from her experience. She was trying to help the girl understand. Who knows? Maybe it helped her realize something she hadn’t before and helped her in her therapy.

      Yes, you’ve made your point very clearly. and it is a valid point for people to consider. But I don’t understand where your opinion came from.
      How is your opinion valid for me to consider it? What makes you so confident to say so. This author has confidently said these things because of knowledge from her personal life experiences, hours of thought and the Authors faith in ‘God’. I am no expert in religion, but her points have more meaning to them, because they reflect what she values.

      So far many comments have been based on personal opinion.. But I can’t figure out what the opinion is based on. Christians or other religious people have ideas and values. Some are considered dumb and out dated, but I personally like ‘believers’ for having a truth, a ‘law’ or commitment that they put their values in.
      I am confused as to how people make their decisions, why they do what they do, or where they even get those ideas. (is because “I wanted it”, justifiably an answer? Or is, “because I felt like it” a reliable truthful answer?) I love how Christians can proudly say “because the Bible says so.” (my experience) They have values and ethics. I value their commitment.
      So. How is your opinion valid for me to consider? I’d really love an answer…

    • problem is, you thought you were “in love” ans so it was ok to give yourself to the guy. love would never dwell and allow unrighteousness. love was never about how you feel. it was never an emotion. love never change. it is constant. feelings do. emotions do.

    • You may not regret it cuz maybe you really did love each other but the thing is, so many girls think they are in love now a days and are having sex but later realizing they didn’t love that guy etc. I had sex before marriage and I truly thought I loved him but I did not . I loved him as a person and a friend and now that I am married I see what real love is and I wish I waited. But I don’t regret it because it’s not safe to live your life on regrets. Though I would strongly suggest to young women and young men to wait! Sex is better with the one you love and in a young persons mind a lot of feelings are mistaken as love. Not saying yours were just saying in the moment everyone thinks their in love.

    • Sex is so much more than just an act of love – you can love many people in a lifetime, but to have sex with all of them? Sex is the most intimate act performed between two human beings. We cannot base when to have sex with someone only on whether we feel we’re in love with them or not. That’s why sex within marriage makes more sense because you have made not only an emotional commitment to this person but a legal, vocal, physical commitment as well. I believe it’s dangerous to tell young people “You can have sex with the person if you’re in love” because saying ‘I love you’ does not necessarily show any commitment. Marriage takes committing to someone to a whole new level.

  161. She wishes she didn’t wait? Why are you making such a big deal out of it? She’s her own person, with her own opinion and thoughts. Many women have probably felt the same way she did, and for her to make a blog about her experience and how she feels is brave. She has the freedom to post whatever she wants and don’t you dare try to blame her (which is what it sounds like) if a young girl loses her virginity because she read her blog. And bravo, you have great sexual chemistry with your husband. Wanna cookie or nah? Also, marriage and sex is for everyone DESPITE GENDER because it’s not about your genitals, it’s about love and what the hearts wants.

      • reminds me that every good and perfect thing comes from him. Also, the heart matters. That is why I believe sex is for the lifelong partner of my spouse. Sex, intimacy of that level, creates a lifelong bond. Women who say they experience no shame from multiple sexual encounters may not have shame, but they have given a piece of themselves away, they will look back on those moments, and enjoy the memory but they cannot enjoy it with their husband. A piece of their heart lives with another person, That is key. In all of the rules and ideals that God puts forth, the heart is what matters, in love, life, repentance, existence, EVERYTHING.

    • Why get so defensive for what she wrote? Does she not have the freedom to post whatever she wants as well? We all have our own opinions and we all have the ability to agree or disagree with others opinions…so why get worked up over it if we are ALL entitled to that same ability? Just a thought.

  162. I want to thank you for your post, because it helped me understand what, exactly, puts me off so much about the idea of saving yourself for marriage. You said that you regretted that you didn’t save yourself for marriage, that your husband didn’t get “one of the most precious parts of you”- your virginity. If virginity is one of the most precious parts of you, you lose a key part of yourself when you have sex. You lose something that connects you to God, forever, whether you have sex with your husband or with someone else. Either way, you have lost your purity. So why define yourself by something you will lose? Why build your identity based on something you aren’t supposed to keep? Of course the original blogger felt shame when she lost her virginity. She lost her identity, and gained a new, inherently dirty one, non-virgin. I would prefer to base my identity on who I am- my personality and my actions, my strengths and weaknesses- rather than on something that would only last if I stayed celibate my whole life.

    Also, having sex before marriage and having sex with a loving partner are not mutually exclusive. The idea that you will wake up dirty and alone any time you have sex outside of marriage implies that a man will only care about you if he is legally bound to. Men can be just as tender and loving as women, and if the emotional bond is built up before sex, you won’t feel abandoned or alone.

    • I don’t see any indication on the writer’s behalf that someone who gives their virginity to their husband is “losing” anything. That would only be the case if the couple divorces, which happens a lot these days obviously, but when marriage is treated as a God-designed gift as described in the Bible by both the husband and the wife, it has generally proven to be highly beneficial. “Purity” & “virginity” are often used interchangeably in our culture, but they are actually two very different concepts, virginity being merely one aspect of purity. So to say that “either way, you have lost your purity” is inaccurate, because having sex within marriage is not impure.

      Also, your quote “…a man will only care about you if he is legally bound to” implies that you assume the government’s definition of marriage and the Bible’s definition of marriage are the same, which is definitely not true. So for people who only think of marriage as a civil union, yes, what you said is true. But, if someone holds to biblical marriage in which you make the decision to commit to truly love someone for life, I can think of no better way to show that you care for someone. I guess my point is: yeah, marriage is a legal binding, but for God and his followers, it is so much more.

      You are completely right in saying that men and women should establish an emotional connection before engaging in a physical one if they don’t want to feel abandoned. That is absolutely crucial.

    • Virginity is not equivalent to purity. You don’t give your purity away to a spouse…I think that’s the misconception “the girl who waited” had that broke heart of “the girl who didn’t wait.” Virginity and purity are not the same thing, even if virginity is required for a while. Furthermore, if one “loses” their purity (or as I call it, becomes unchaste), it is possible to become chaste again.

    • Thank you, Rachael. I have struggled with exactly this and couldn’t figure it out until you said, “of course the original blogger felt shame…”

      I’ve been with my (now) husband for nearly five years. I have been overwhelmed with the shame I feel when I enjoy sex (or even think of enjoying it) for years. Even in my happy relationship, I thought the shame was from the aftershocks of the sexual abuse and assault I’d suffered in high school and college, but reading your words, “she lost her identity and gained a new, , inherently dirty one, non-virgin.”

      I feel overwhelmed and flush at the thought of my family and friends knowing what I do. But I’m not supposed to! I scream in my head.

      But why-ever not?? I have a wonderful husband who loves me and whom I love. We have a beautiful life together. I am an adult.

      This is part of me, but I can’t embrace it.

      Rachael, you’ve helped me more than you can know. Thank you.

  163. This is one of the most disturbing things I’ve read on the internet. As a woman, I feel so badly for you and anyone who allows this blog post to sway their sexual decisions. Some people wait, others don’t. It’s their business alone, and nobody should be shamed for it. The end.

  164. Thank you for writing this.

    Like the author of the post you’re responding to, I was also raised in a Christian church. The difference is that my pastors didn’t abuse scripture to shame women into chastity while freeing men to do as they wished. They were wiser in their presentation and true to God’s intentions.

    As a 25-year-old unmarried virgin, I can honestly say that without knowing (through the teaching at church) that God values me and wants the best for me, I would be desperately sad and lonely. I would be questioning my worth because of my single state and would be recklessly trying to meet guys to have that sexual experience that our society paradoxically both worships and belittles.

    Like you, I’m sorry for the original poster’s regret at waiting. And that her regret lead her to write and post something that, while perhaps cathartic for her, may have devastating effects on young girls and boys, and young men and women who have made that choice to wait.

    Thank you for writing this response- it can be a daunting and seemingly thankless task to speak when God calls you to.

    Thank you for being brave <3

  165. the past is the past. You should never regret something you did. Just move on with your life. I dated my first boyfriend when I was 15 and I think he is an immature idiot now! but I NEVER once regret dating him or sleeping with him, or any other guy I slept with. Why should i regret it when thats what makes me me? and I would not be the same way I am today without them! I think sex is very important to a relationship and I would never ever wait for marriage to find out what my husband is like in bed. but hey, thats just my opinion.

    • I have never understood the “no regrets”, feel-good, overly simplistic attitude. It implies that, either the person has never made a mistake (HA!) or that he or she hasn’t learned from them. The reality is that most, if not all, the people in this world have things they wish they had done differently.

  166. I think this girls problem was believing that: by staying a virgin until marriage, was what made God love her. Because therefore, her being loved and blessed relies, not on the fact that she is loved no matter what, but on the idea that remaining sexually pure is the only way to be loved by God.

    This is a really tragic story actually. Being loved and blessed by God does not depend upon our actions. We are loved no matter what. We are valuable and important no matter what.

    We are so loved and valuable in fact, that God came down embodied as Jesus to die for us. No matter how good we are, or how bad we are, we can’t make God love us more or less. He loves us, because He loves us, because He loves us! Period.

    So this girl was obviously pretty choked when the people from her church caused her to believe that in order for her to be loved and valued depended upon her ability to stay a virgin.

    Jesus paid the price for us to be loved. Anything else that we try to do to make God love us more is like spitting in the face of Jesus. It’s the equivalent of saying…

    “Oh, no, no God. Jesus’ sacrifice wasn’t good enough for me to be loved. Let me be extra good so that I can be loved. You’re not good enough to wash my sins away. Let me help you out with that.”

    If this girl was taught the proper Gospel from the beginning, she would have been much better off. Our capacity to be loved does not hinge on our ability to be good. We are loved because we are love. Jesus is the embodiment of that love. Thats why he came. To show us how loved we are. He came to save the sinner and the righteous alike.

    • Well, actually, in the bible it says that premarriage sex is an immoral sin and that god will strongly judge all who have sexual interaction with someone out of wedlock. So if she was a Christian, that’s probably where she got it from.

    • Perhaps you are mixing a few things up. By staying a virgin you are honoring God. By Honoring God you receive his blessing. You never lose your salvation by dishonoring Him, but you can lose your joy and your blessings that were once around you. Being a virgin isn’t trying to earn your love from God, being a virgin is showing your love for God and your commitment to honor Him and His word.

      Yes your Joy and blessings do rely on your actions because God does not bless the unjust and the unrighteous; God blesses those who seek after Him and those who seek after righteous.

      Do not think that God will be happy and okay or understanding while you live a life away from Him. God died for us, yes, and he rose again, yes, but he does not reward a person who is living in constant sin. Nobody is perfect, but as a true Christian we are born again and therefore new creatures in the sight of our Lord. We are to put away the old things and trust in God’s will for our life.

      With all this said, God loves each and everyone of us, but God wants you to live by his word and trust in Him. Once we truly surrender to his will and accept that, then can we truly have peace.

      • Amen! I agree. I read the blog post about the lady who wished she had not waited and was saddened, it made me feel like I was wasting my time. Then I saw this pop up in my suggestions right after and I feel re-inspired!
        I agree with Benjamin and Jared, with the honoring and happiness, it makes sense. Everyone that I know who are religious/non-religious that did not wait are miserable. I can see it and some have told me they are miserable and wish they never started having sex.
        I believe that it creates a bond that really should only be with the person you will spend the rest of your life with and as such you shouldn’t be going and ”bonding” with a bunch of people. In my church(Roman Catholic) they explained having different partners as giving away a little piece of yourself to the partner every time so if you have sex with someone once that’s part of you gone there, and so on as the number of partners increase. Also as you give away you are receiving from all these people that God did not intend for you to be with which is why people become so confused about themselves after a while and why it is so hard to leave a bad relationship.

        Anyways, thank you Savanna for writing this post for people like me who lost some faith in humanity when we read that “Girl Who Waited and Wished she hadn’t” thing. You are brave and I’m truly grateful that there are people like you in the world that can speak up.


  167. Reading about how she needed therapy after getting married makes me think that it’s a deeper problem than “I should have had sex before marriage.” Honestly, with the reaction she had it sounds like something goes deeper than that. She needs therapy, she needs Jesus. I don’t know what she was told as a child that made her so afraid of sex, but losing her virginity before marriage doesn’t sound like it would have solved the problem.

    • It could be, but then you would need to know her a little more before passing judgment.

      By the way, were you aware that the highest rates of depression are in the most religious /conservative states? Teaching women to be ashamed of their bodies since an early age should be considered a crime

    • Beth, please do me a favor and read the original article before making a comment. Every question you have is answered by it. It’s not about a deeper problem is about her identity as being pure placed on her by religion and church.

      • Please read Beth’s comment more carefully. It appears she did read the article, she just thinks that the author is still under misconceptions about her situation.

  168. I know many young couples who didn’t wait until their wedding night for intercourse and it does create many issues and problems at different points in your marriage. Something isn’t bad for you because God labels it sin, …but He calls it Sin , because it’s repercussions are bad for you and He loves you and doesn’t want you to suffer the results of your bad choices. On the other hand,… I also know many young married couples who waited until their wedding night and said that because they did…………it was sooooooooo beautiful and special for them! This is not to say their marriages are perfect, but there definitely are huge blessings you reap when you wait for sex with-in the marriage relationship! For those who haven’t waited, if they are willing to come to the Lord and ask forgiveness and truly repent …..His grace is bountiful and He will throw our sins into the deepest sea and choose to remember them no more! (My husband is a marriage, family therapist and he has seen the results of both)!

    • If you’re going to use anecdotal evidence to make an argument, then I will too.

      I know engaged women who are freaking TERRIFIED of their wedding night. I’ve heard of people at my old church who had to wait days before consummating their marriages, drink, cry, and scream in pain their first times because they were so nervous. Sex hurts the first time because you get nervous – and when you’ve been taught to fear sexual urges, that nervousness is increased tenfold.

      Here’s my point: there’s no magic switch that flips on and turns people who have been living as asexuals for years into married sex machines who know how to please their husbands. I’m finding it really hard to believe that the majority of women who wait until their wedding night have “wonderful, beautiful” experiences or do not struggle in some hidden capacity with the concept of virginity.

      Meanwhile, I’m married to a man who I chose to have sex before marriage with. We both lost our virginity to one another, and it has not caused problems with our relationship … in fact, our relationship was very tense sexually until we both made the careful decision that having sex before marriage made sense to us and prepared accordingly. Fighting the mind-controlling concept of virginity was difficult – at one point, I had told myself I’d never be able to live it down if I had sex before marriage – but now, I feel free from unrealistic expectations passed down from the church. Losing my virginity in the way I did was healing and ultimately empowering, and I know three other friends of mine who feel the same way.

      Sex is one of many conduits in a relationship through which to build love, intimacy, and trust, never mind that it’s a basic human need. Who are we to condemn, generalize, and judge people for making that private decision behind closed doors? If anything, that makes a lot more sense than the public (and, oftentimes, prideful) declarations of intent to wait before marriage that I’ve seen from my fellow church members.

  169. I’m 21 and I’m not a virgin but I lost my virginity at 18 to guy who didn’t deserve it but I was young innocent and inexperienced. After I felt so ashamed and I was miserable I was so disappointed with myself. I didn’t kno how to deal with what I was feeling. I think people should wait until they know they love the person to have sex if that means wait until your married so be it if you don’t just make that person really loved you and is wroth it

  170. If you truly believe that your virginity is the most precious part of you, then I seriously suggest you take some time to consider where your strengths and weaknesses lay, and what makes you the best person you are. I sure you are a beautiful person, but you are so much more then your virginty. Your regret makes me sad and I hope you find the strength to over come it.

  171. Waiting or not, seems to be the question and we all have different opinions. Here’s MY experience: I did not wait, and years ago when I made to choice to have sex, I didn’t regret it. Fast forward to 18+ years of marriage, after understanding ALL the negative consequences that having sex outside of marriage has brought into our lives, all the pain and suffering we both ARE still working through, we both COMPLETLY regret not waiting for each other. The consequences are far more deep than just a physical connection and it is taking a lot of blood, sweat and tears to work through healing of experiences that happened before we even met but are SUCH a big part of us today, We are both responsible for what we each brought into our marriage.

    Every decision we make has consequences and they will affect the future and marriage. But know that there is always grace and that’s how we are getting through it. My hope is that you are able to avoid the heartache both my husband and I are facing now, and not just us but also our kids. Our decisions today will directly impact our tomorrow. With love, someone who didn’t wait and wish I had.

  172. I’m so sad to read your response to the original blog post. it frightens me to hear that you are more concerned with other girls “saving themselves for marriage” than you are about this woman’s soul and the broader point she is trying to make. i’m shocked to read ” i have one regret in my life and that is that I didn’t wait for my husband to have one of the most precious part of me and my body, my virginity.”

    The most precious thing I hope to give to my husband one day is the love of Christ! Not my virginity. If more people realized exactly what this woman was trying to say, that our most precious gift to men is not sex, we wouldn’t be in the crisis that we are in.

    • I came down to these comments to say the same! Your love of Christ, your heart, your mind, these things are what is truly valuable – not some physical attribute! The only reason sexual purity is of any value is in it’s reflection of one’s love of God and obedience to His Word.

  173. After reading this, and the comments below, all I can say is thank god I’m Canadian and all this puritanical, religious nonsense doesn’t mean anything up here.

  174. Interesting, I wonder if men ever worry about this? I wonder if men ever feel shame after having consensual sex? Somehow I doubt it. The fact that this is something that is still affecting young women today is disheartening. Young women (and young men) should be educated about sex and if you feel ashamed and dirty you should explore why and maybe even seek help because that is not how healthy, consensual sex should feel. The girl who waited shared a very painful and honest personal story and we should all respect that and take the very honest message she gave to heart, ‘to thine own self be true’ and a church that preaches otherwise and shames young people into ‘good’ behaviour should be ashamed. It is this sort of preaching that will cause many young people to abandon a religion that doesn’t support what it means to be human and that is also a shame. Thank you Girl who waited for opening up a very important issue and sharing your pain with us and I am very happy that you have found peace with yourself and were able to get help and that your husband was so understanding and respected your body and soul. He is a keeper and if God is the loving God he is supposed to be she will understand,

  175. The bible was written back when ‘women’ were sold for a few pieces of currency, asmall herd of cattle, and a blanket. And then married off at age thirteen or even younger. So ‘waiting’ to have sex until you’re married was really not that hard to do since most of the time these young girls being married off often weren’t even old enough to have thoughtsabout sex. Times have changed. Things are a lot more complicated and the way i am seeing a lot of you post really conservative ideas about the bible makes me think…

  176. Do you honestly think she needed therapy because she was embarrassed of being naked or messy? that’s a bit delusional. I liked some of what you said here, but maybe you should’ve just told your experience of how you wish you had waited, instead of shaming hers. Virginity is not such a black and white issue either. Where are the lines drawn? Also I never see men waiting for marriage. This topic is always about girls. Just feeds into the idea that women are supposed to be “pure” and have no past experiences.

    • Men have the same issues. I am a guy who has made the same vow. I too have struggled with knowing how far is too far, whether its worth it, and even if ppl and God would stop loving me if i didnt follow through. If you are also going through this crisis, BOY OR GIRL, i advise that u set boundaries for yourself when u are completely unswayed by hormones or anything else. Whether those boundaries say no kissing or no sex or sex is okay is completely up to you. However, this decision is one that should be made when u are alone and not being controlled by hormones or other feelings. Also, in order to keep your own self respect, keep a small group of friends that you Trust With Your Life because it may very well come to that. Make sure that you all respect each other’s boundaries and encourage each other to follow them. If any of you fail make sure to encourage them and tell them that its just physical and it doesnt define you. Lack of encouragement from friends and family is the biggest cause for depression and loneliness. Dont let that happen to you or your loved ones. Get help if you need it. There is always someone willing to help and love you.

    • Hey Erica.

      20 year old straight, virgin male here. Nope, not an anomaly. I know plenty of men my age who are saving sex for marriage. The most disappointing narrative within these comments is one that men are sexual deviants who will literally do anything to sleep with a woman. I’ve certainly known those kinds of guys – we call them perverts or creeps. The same standards are held to us, too. Sorry if you feel as though this is just a woman’s issue.

    • I am a 21 year old Christian man and a Virgin. I have seen firsthand the anguish of my male and female friends as they deal with the pain of mistakes and diseases and lost love. While it hasn’t always been easy ,and at times alienated me from girls I liked, I will never regret waiting.

  177. I read some of the comments and man some of you are saying some harsh things but we all have an opinion and with saying that here is mine.

    My name is Ryan and I’m an 18 year old guy who is a virgin. I feel for this girl and what she has been through but a the same time I have no regrets waiting for my honeymoon. Why? Because I’m surrounded by guys who all they do is have sex. I mean at one point two of them had a competition of who could sleep with more girls, ladies they both passed 10 with in 2 weeks. So a word of warning from a guy, guys will date you say they love you and anything else to get you to have sex with them now saying not all guys will. But if you really wanna see why he is with you tell him your waiting for marriage and if he is a player he will get upset but if he is a gentleman and a Godly man he will tell you is too. Ladies I want you all to know that there is a man who loves you so much he died for and he would do it all again if it was just you he saved because he loves you that much so don’t crave another guys attention when you already have the attention of “the guy” who created all of us he loves you and never forget it.

    • Ryan, you’re awesome!! Well said!! :) I am 38, single and sadly didn’t wait. I wish I had. I wish I had waited for the one who said he was waiting too!! Keep your purity for your honeymoon!! And know that someone in Australia is proud of you!!

  178. I completely agree with what you said. I was very young when I lost my virginity and wishing I could take it back. It’s something you should share with your spouse someone who loves as much as you love them. What was most hardest for me was having to tell my grandpa his baby was no longer pure. And he was the preacher and i need guidance because I felt like I was never going to be loved by the lord again then my grandpa told me the lord will never stop loving me. Do I still feel like I am dirty yes because I didn’t save my self if the clock was reversed I would have waited…

  179. What I read in this response isn’t that your heart is broken for other girls. What I hear is indignation that The Girl Who Waited’s experience is not the same as yours or in line with your values– and therefore her story is heartbreaking for you. The point that she is trying to make is that everyone’s experience with sex is different; it doesn’t belong to the church, bloggers, or anyone. I think she was courageous to share her story. I imagine both of you reacted to the same biblical teaching in different ways.

    And frankly, the church needs to hear this viewpoint because she is not the only one who has been made to feel like her worth is intrinsically tied to her virginity. I know when I was growing up I was told that as long as I was a virgin, I was “fine china” but if I let others tarnish me, I’d eventually become a styrofoam cup. How can you tell that to a 15-year-old girl and still feel like you’re showing her how much Christ loves her? I think that all of us can take a step back and consider what the point of the virginity message means to be and consider why it is being so lost in translation in today’s world.

  180. Thank you for your kind words of truth. What amazes me more than even the original article is how much anger has been thrown your way for your Biblical perspective. And in all of your responses you have replied with grace without compromising your values. Or replying in anger. I’m truly blessed by how the Lord has used you in this discussion! Thank you!

  181. I didn’t know that Christians could read minds? It’s news to me that I’m lying when I say I have NEVER regretted any of my sexual choices.

    If you want people to take you seriously, maybe don’t put words in their mouth or call them liars.

    Just a start.

  182. Hi, my name is Aïda and I’m waiting. I’m not christian but muslim and anyway, I believe God choose a husband for me and I will meet him someday and he will be the one I want to give my precious virginity to. Recently I had difficulty keeping on with this though. Even if I made a oath, I met that boy who was so great to me, I though about giving it up for him, telling myself we could fall in love and he will be there all along. Finally I did not because he respected my choice to stay virgin because of Faith but he wasn’t like that.. He did not see things like me and he prefered that I keep it rather than giving up just for him. To me, it was somewhat a proof of love and I don’t think I would have regret giving him this important part of me. When I tell this to my friends they hardly believe me, but still, I think there is still some people who respect my choice, the choice of many to keep there precious virginity until marriage. Maybe I will regret once I get married because then I be bound to have sex with only one and unique person forever, but I don’t mind… You’re right, God created sex to be so much but neither shameful or bad. And I believe everyone should see things one way : why should you stop waiting when you don’t know if the man/woman you will marry one day could be the best thing that will ever happen to you in love and sex ? Because it was bad for one doesn’t mean it will be bad for everyone.
    Thank you very much for this article full of goodness and hope to me,

  183. Don’t listen to this garbage on either side. Never be ashamed of who you are. I am a Bible believing Christian that loves God and was brought up in a Bible believing home. With that beong said I was almost forced into taking a purity vow at about the age of 12ish. But I knew even from a young age I couldn’t vow to God or anyone what I may or may not do in the future. Also sex was VERY taboo in my house and I mean VERY. I had to figure out the birds and the bees through porn. Yeah not exactly the best way but I guess it did it. The point I’m trying to make is that I’m not married never have been I’m not a virgin either. I don’t beat myself up over it like our two poor souls that are spewing more mushy bs than ‘The Notebook’. Live your life the best you can. People put so much emphisis on sexual purity when in the Bible it says our righteousness is like filthy rags. I’m not saying to give yourself up and slut yourself out to the lowest bidder either. I’ve been in love before and I’m glad I had sex with whom I did. Some not ao much but it’s part of life. I don’t feel used or un pure because I’m human I knew I already was from the get go. God makes us pure not our sexual abstinence. In conclusion if you’re gonna have sex use protection God loves you and your imperfect ass regardless love the person you have sex with but if u don’t and it ends up being a mistake don’t cry over it learn from it just like anything else in life. And if you don’t have sex before you get married good on you but don’t be afraid of it. God meant for it to be fun and sexy.

  184. She is simply just expressing her thoughts of how she would have done it differently if given the chance. As The Girl Who Waited, she feels differently on the topic. Your decisions are your own. Not anyone else’s. If you vow to stay pure and clean, then that’s your choice. If you, however, choose not to, then that also is your choice. We all wish we could have done something differently in this life, and hey, there’s nothing we can do about it now, other than talk about how we would have gone about that differently. These two ladies are just reflecting on how they feel about the subject, not bashing one or the other for their own personal choices.

    It’s all a matter of opinion.

    • No she is not just sharing her opinion. Thats what the first girl did because she never said “hey girls just go out and do it”. This person is shaming someone for their opinions and saying it is wrong. She is also saying that everyone that has sex before marriage feels shame or should feel shame. I for one feel no regret. Virginity is made to be a far too big a deal. I’ve made mistakes sexually and you know what I’m grateful for it because it makes you realize how special it can be when you find a good person. I realize this isn’t for everyone but I’m sick of being told that I’m a lesser person for it.

  185. sex is NATURAL. not everyone is gonna lose it the way you want. get over it.
    LET people do what THEY want that make’s their life easier. I do not absolutely will never regret having sex with my ex or current boyfriends or girlfriend
    yes I like both genders.
    STOP using religion to control other peoples life that is not part of your life.

  186. I read both your post and the original post. I want to say that I know your intentions are really, really good and that waiting for marriage can be super romantic and really wonderful. However, I think there are two main points in the original post that are important. The first is about intentions. If you are waiting: is it because you want to or is it because you feel you have to? When you say you are “waiting for god,” does that mean you are afraid to go to hell or does that mean you really are making a fully educated decision for your body? The other point is about the shaming of sexuality that exists in the church and that when we teach children to avoid sex and sexuality we damage their view of their bodies and how they feel ownership over their bodies.

    I feel that telling her that she basically couldn’t feel shame within a marriage is honestly kind of ridiculous. She can feel whatever she feels. Also, saying that women who have sex outside of marriage always feel shame is a hyperbolic and completely unsupported statement. Let me tell a little bit of my story (the short version)…

    I grew up in super born again christian church with all the same stuff about waiting and staying pure and heterosexual. I was always a rebellious child and a super curious one. So, I had a lot of sex. A lot of conventional sex and a lot of unconventional sex. Theres been women, men, more than one person, sex clubs, one night stands, weird public stuff, sweet intimate stuff, crazy intense messy stuff… I never felt shameful. I felt heartbreak quite a few times and maybe a little bit self conscious of what others might think of me.. but not shame. Most of it made me feel empowered. All of it, however, taught me something really important about my body and my body’s needs. I have wonderful memories of spending one night, in particular, with a woman in the most special, uniquely strange intimacy. We spent all night in and out of sex talking about painting and beauty. We never had sex again but it was like that’s all we needed… and I wouldn’t give moments like that up for anything. I am now happily married with an extremely active and healthy sexual life. My husband and I can have open and honest discussions about things that some couples I believe have a hard time discussing because we are sexually mature and experienced.

    I do also want to say, and I wouldn’t be able to post this in good conscious without saying: I have wondered what it would feel like had I waited. When I say “wondered” I mean I feel this romantic sort of terror about the idea. So, I think I can kind of see why people would want to wait and the advantages of it. But I commend the original poster for writing about the advantage of NOT waiting aside from you know.. just being able to get off. That is the side that people don’t hear and although both sides are valid, both need to be heard in order for educational decisions to be made.

    Life is a journey you bring your body through and it’s yours to bring it through. You will have experiences that make you want to rip your skin off and you will have experiences that make you so excited to be alive and you can choose how you get there.

  187. Hi there,

    First off I want to say that I enjoyed reading both blog posts. I am not religious and never have been. I’m 23 years old and still don’t know what I believe in.
    Growing up, I was raised by two Catholics. They didn’t actually go to church but they taught me everything they thought I needed to know. At 13, I was sat down and told that sex is not bad and while they would like to see me wait, they didn’t expect me to wait till I was married. This made me think about things and I decided to wait until I knew I was madly in love. At 16, I was raped by my long term boyfriend because I wasn’t ready and he thought if I loved him then that should be the only thing that mattered. It put me through hell. And I can only say that I wish it never had happened.
    A few years later, I slept with another man. And I do not regret the decision I made. I agree with the other blogger about finding our own sexuality and that’s what I’ve done. I’m no longer with that man and have vowed to not sleep with another one. There are times that I wish I waited, but I’m not married yet. I don’t regret the decisions that I’ve made because I made them for myself.

    However, I do think about many different things when it comes to this. What if you wait for a man, and marry that man and find out that you are not sexually compatible? What if he doesn’t arouse you? What if you can’t find joy out of it? What if it destroys your marriage? Nearly all my friends that have waited, don’t have good sex lives because they aren’t compatible with their husbands. I’m not saying that everyone is like this, but I’m saying it does happen.
    Please don’t take this as me bashing on your blogs. I really did enjoy both posts, I’m just looking at it in a perspective of someone who has no beliefs in a higher power.

  188. Thank you so much for sharing. There is something beautiful about understanding the way God designed things to be, sex being one of those things. Love between a husband and wife is intended to so closely parallel with God’s love for us- selfless, sacrificial, unconditional, passionate, unwavering, endless- imagine sharing that love with your spouse, then experiencing something that takes that intimacy even deeper. It’s something indescribable and worth waiting for!!

  189. I respect your opinion, but to say that “Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse,” is completely wrong. There are plenty of women out there, including myself, who had sex with someone who was not their husband and didn’t regret it one bit.

    I think it’s cool that sex is important to you and you want to have it with someone you’re going to be with for the rest of your life, but a lot of people don’t have that opinion, and that most certainly does not make those people not as good of a person vs someone who waited. If that’s not what you were trying to say in your post, I apoligize, but with the way you worded your thoughts it comes off that way.

    Having sex with someone who is not your spouse is perfectly fine in my opinion as long as it’s consensual and safe. There are a lot of other things I could go into but I’m not here to write a novel lol

    • As a woman that is anti- marriage I cringe at the comment “Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse”, Have I slept with someone I regretted sleeping with? Sure. But that’s life. I am not broken. I am stronger. And I have had wonderful experiences. The lie is telling women they are supposed to find the one and and then having that fall apart when that ultimately doesn’t work out or they are stuck in an unhappy marriage.

    • Considering your concern about the way she “comes off,” I’d suggest maybe reading the short preface at the very beginning of the blog.

    • Ashley, your opinion conflicts with the Truth because you are desensitized to the things of this world, like premarital sex. God intended sex to be had between one man and one woman, not because He is a dictating ruler, but because He is a loving Father who only wants what’s best for us.

    • Completely agree with the comment above. Women who have sex before meeting their husband do not regret this. I did not wait for my husband, and where I come from it is seen as fundamentalist to have those types of beliefs about ones ‘virginity’. I had sex with men before my husband, and I do not regret it one bit! Of course, sex with your soul mate is much better. Of course, it feels different than with some guy you met at a club one summer night. But my sexuality is mine and mine alone, and there is no rational argument as to why sex with your husband is better if you have never did it before. Au contraire, my husband and I have amazing sex (and I truly mean amazing, the best I have ever had and better than I could ever imagine) – because we both had some practice before meeting each other.

    • Let me ask you this. If you have any kids or plan to, how would you feel if she/he slept around but said it was all “consensual” and “safe”. I guarentee you would be disgusted. Sex was meant for marriage. Between 1 man and 1 woman.

    • I have to disagree. I don’t think she’s trying to say that people who wait are better than those who don’t. She also admits that her view is not the popular one. But she makes a valid point about the strength of the other blog. Many of my friends have read it and have really begun to question the values they’ve held true for their whole lives. I choose purity not only because the Bible says to be pure, but I value the tradition of marriage and my future husband enough to give him what he deserves: a woman who will love him completely. And I don’t believe that’s possible without abstinence. You never truly forget your first sexual encounter, and there’s always some feeling left for the person it was with. I don’t think you can love completely without a whole heart.

    • I believe the words described are maybe chosen hastily. But I think as a different way to describe what she is professing would be that, Sex before or after marriage can be amazing, but the doors we choose to open before implied rules suggest, they factually do bring emotions and feelings we may not be developed for. Where as the Christian outlook is breeding protection of our hearts, and following a special instruction as important and influential as opening Pandora’s box so to speak. The more doors we open then more negative thoughts as well as positive we open doors to as in “Eden” we were made aware of our shame through the discovery of our self (self awareness) It’s not breed to preach guilt or condemnation but to instruct our hearts down a path of choices we make with educated hearts. Its to protect your heart through love, and that is beautiful. I say this as a believer, but I am open minded a misconception delivered too often through religion. Take religion away from belief and you have a lifestyle sought after a man named Christ who just wants to protect our hearts spirit and minds. Not to bring guilt but teach conviction.

    • I’m sorry, but being completely non religious I can assure you that sex was not created for man and wife. Sorry I don’t even believe it marriage, it’s outdated and needs to match nowadays society.

      Why on earth does a women who can make it on her own these days have to take a man’s last name, I am known because of my last name and I have no need to change that. If I find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, I just will. I don’t need him to mark me with a ring, and take my virginity. We will just mutually agree we love each other and we will work through everything that comes our way.

      Also let me assure you as a very strong feminist, I believe a one night stand can be empowering, sometimes you just want something with no connection, and let me tell you it feels good sometimes to get something and leave the next morning, with no need to talk to that person again. Of course choose wisely who you want to do this with. I’ve only done it twice but let me tell you it felt great and was just what I needed.

      I have also fallen in love and slept with that man, and I never felt shame in that. Eventually our lives went separate ways, and I decided I wasn’t going to follow him because I as a female of today’s society had my own dreams and goals, and where he was going they would be squashed, so no I wasn’t going to follow him because of simply love. If our paths shall cross again then they will but I am not too worried because nowadays I’m achieving my goals, and every step I take that gets me closer feels so good, just as good as being able to stand and be independent.

      So do as you please, but please don’t tell people to save themselves for marriage. Some people don’t even want that. I would say just be smart, and don’t sleep with every single person who is interested. Let it be your decision, take control of your life. We are women, we are strong and we do a hell of a lot more then most men, but don’t ever tell them that.

    • @Ashley I completely agree. I was able to read the article and understand her side up until this point.

      Anyway I have had a fair share of sexual partners. And I only regret maybe two or three. Not because I wasn’t married. Not because i didn’t enjoy the sex. Mostly because they were a-holes in general and not someone I should have wasted my time on if asked twice.

      I know in my my heart God loves me. He loves me even though I’m not married and have sex with my soon to be husband. I may know its a sin, but its those very “sins” that made me into the person I am today.

      I’m closer to God than I’ve ever been because it was my choice. I take pride in my past and current decisions.

      I’m sorry you wish you would have waited. And I’m sorry she wished she hadn’t waited. But I’m glad I didn’t and never once regretted it.

      End rant. :)

    • I disagree with you. I am in my teenage years and I firmly believe it is a sin to do this with someone who is not a spouse. God says don’t do it, so why would that be okay? It is tender and precious so why would you ruin it with someone who is not your spouse? Yes, it is a sin. I do think you should wait until marriage.

      • “God says don’t do it, so why would that be okay?” (sic).

        Your god also says not to wear fabric woven of more than one fiber and not to eat shellfish–do you also abide by /those/ rules? If not, you need to reevaluate why you follow the virginity rule to begin with. Your god’s rules are arbitrarily written and arbitrarily followed.

  190. I’ve read the blog almost all the replies to this blog, with people that agree that it’s worth it to wait and peoe that don’t agree. One thought comes to mind, and that is this: what is pur motivation for waiting? If our desire to wait is merely selfish (“I want sex to be better,”) or (“I’ll wait unless I don’t get married by 22”) then you are 1) most likely going to not end up waiting, and simply making yourself happy in the moment. Now happiness isn’t bad, but if you read the Bible, Christianity is NO all about your momentary happiness. However, if you make the decision to wait becauseyou realize God wants you to wait, andyes, as Christians God wants us to wait, (in the Bible) and that waiting is actually God’s holy desir, and is also for your good to bless and protect you, then you will have the grace to wait. Jesus has to be first, and if He and His love and His desires and emotions and glory aren’t first in your life even before you, that will really affect your relationship and your values. Let Him be made first in our hearts today.

    • You know I would think with all the other things that’s going on in the world a God would have better things to think about other then what we do with our private parts like seriously?? There are children starving and being killed but u worried about my virginity?? That’s stupidity

      • Ya know, I see what you’re saying, but the fact that that He cares about us and every detail of our lives is one of the things I love about Him. Absolutely, He cares about those suffering with 100% of who He us; but I would like to propose to you that He also cares about EVERY detail of your life with 100% as well. You see, He is infinite and His ability to care isn’t limited like ours is. He loves you with an uncontrollable love, and that is what makes Him care so much.

      • Did you know that throughout all of the terrible things going on in the world, that you are still just as important to God? God is all-powerful and isn’t like humans where we can only deal with one problem at a time. He loves you and cares about everything you do. He doesn’t sit there and say, “Oh my gosh… She’s doing this again…” or “What a disappointment…”. No, God is actually watching you saying, “I love you, and I have something better for you. Listen to me, beloved and I can give you what you deserve.”. So yes, God does care about what we do with our private parts, haha. He wants to make sure every little thing you do is best for you, even sex. He is always looking out for you.

      • I feel that you are very nieve by the way you talk about God. God created our “private parts” to create beautiful things such as children. God made you… and I’m guessing you think it was stupid that he worried about your parents private parts? If he wouldn’t have worried about them you wouldn’t be here. I encourage you to rethink everything you might feel about God. Hes loving and has given you this amazing life to live and he gives you breath to breath everyday. I also encourage you to visit a local church and see what he’s really made of. You’ll then understand how the Lord worrying about your private parts isn’t stupidity.

      • You know that’s the amazing thing about God. He doesn’t have limits like we do. We all tend to put limits on Him like He is human but God is limitless. So while He is worried about starving and dying children He is also worried about your virginity. God is amazing.

      • Trust me God is worried about all things because he is over all things. He’s an all knowing all seeing God and unlike us he is focused on many things at once.

        If course he is dealing with starving children who do you think is inspiring people to start foundations to feed them. Of course it breaks his heart to see people killing others, he specifically write the commandment “Thou shall not kill”

        When Christ was on earth he showed compassion for all things wrong in this world from feeding the 3,000 to saving the Harlot from being stoned to death.

        Now there is no way you can justify to a person who doesn’t believe in Gid about the ramifications of sex before marriage because society has taught you to believe and accept otherwise. But do remember when you finally stand before our father in heaven this will be the first thing he presents to you and you can never say you did not know!

      • God’s cares for His people isnt limited. Just because He cares about your heart and decisions and how it impacts your future doesn’t mean he doesn’t have enough compassion for others suffering.

      • God is far beyond the confines of the human brain. He doesn’t have to worry about better things, because He has the ability to consider ALL things. So yes, He truly cares about you, your personal life, and every little detail of all of our struggles. He also cares about the bigger issues. If you simply do not believe in God, that is one thing, but if we are talking in terms of God, we must recognize that he is not limited.

      • We look around this world today and we do see these tragedies, but that doesn’t make you any less important to God. God cares about everyone and everything about them. And yes that does mean your virginity. We focus so much on everything else, but sometimes we forget about ourselves. I don’t want to push something on you if you don’t believe it, but whether you believe in God or not, whether He’s make believe or real, He cares about you just as much as the ones who are hungry and abused.

      • God worries about anything that goes against His word. Have sex before marriage is a sin whether we want that or not. We will be judged based on His law when we die. God is a big God. He knows the needs of this world. That’s why we have missionaries. But some missionaries aren’t obedient so the need isn’t met if the person says no to God. Read the Bible! You may learn something.

      • The beautiful thing about God is that He is big enough to have concerns with all of the violence and hurt in the world, and also to care about the little things that are important to us. Our sex lives are of huge importance to us, and because of that, they are hugely important to God. Even though He has millions of other things to be concerned with, He still holds all of us and all of our problems close to Him. Frankly, if our god wasn’t big enough to do that, why would we want to follow him? He is more loving than any of us can comprehend, and he deeply cares for every aspect of our lives.

      • You’re thinking about God in a very small and very ignorant manner. To say that for God to think about this subject and not that subject or that one but not this one is very limiting and not accurate. When in fact, God’s intelligence and His wisdom allow Him to consider all of these things. He considers the lives of each and every single person all at once. Your hairs are numbered as well as mine as well as the starving child in Africa’s. Issues that we do not understand from micro to macro levels, all at once are being registered and impacted by Him. When you think about it this way it makes God much bigger, much more real.

      • God doesn’t worry, but He does care. He cares about each of us and all of creation. “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,” “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.” He cares about everything we say, think, feel, and do. He is omnipotent and omnipresent – everywhere present and filling all things.
        Especially if you’re a Christian, but most likely even if you’re not, you know very well the Bible makes it clear fornication is a sin. We’re all guilty of one sin or another (or many!), but what’s most harmful for our salvation is committing a sin and calling it good.

        No, God doesn’t worry about it. But He knows, and He does care.

      • What an ignorant thing for you to say. Candace, most of the violence and starving children happen BECAUSE of the recklessness of people and their private parts, leading to the spread of life -harming STDs, unwanted pregnancies, rape, child abuse, an increasingly fatherless society that is leading to a rise in crime rates and poverty…..the list goes on and on. Tell me again why it doesn’t matter what people do with their private parts?

      • Unless viewed throught the lense of a God who loves and created your inmost being- your DNA, your soul, your personality, everything that makes you unique and therefore sacred and beloved, it would seem stupid. But God had in mind a design and desires your utmost well-being both physically and spiritually with righteousness as a choice(following God’s way) and consequences for not (sin) because God is just and righteous. choosing not to follow God’s design is a choice one can make because you have free will. That said, for every choice there is a consequence or result, and the God who created you, male or female, did so for his own glory that in worship of him, you live truly and fully as he intends. that means he cares about every part of you- your thoughts, hopes, dreams, opinions, desires, likes, dislikes, tendencies, down to your DNA, your physical body and how you honor him with all of those things, every part of your being. Let me ask you, If someone were to bestow numerous gifts upon you- property, success, wealth, health, and even a home fully furnished at no expense to you, would you not be humbled to the point of greatful tears and endless expressions of thanks and gratitude? And if God created everything you are, your DNA, your talents and abilities, your mind, your physical body, does he not deserve a show of gratitude, humility, thanks, praise and honor for the quality of his craftsmanship, intelligence of his design, and beauty of his purpose? if your stance is that of a non-believer, we’re comparing apples to oranges. but if you do in fact believe in the creator God, I pray he opens your heart and mind to understand his will and purpose in everything- even the small things in which we don’t see or understand the importance of His grand design.

      • God is omnicient, meaning he doesn’t have “better things to worry about”, he is concerned with everything at once. Just because there are kids dying somewhere doesnt mean God can’t also be concerned with my or your or anyone’s sexual purity.

      • That’s the greatest thing about God… that He does care about anything and everything all at the same time. He is not limited by our human standards of only being able to think about one thing at a time. He is the creator of multi-tasking. He does care about what you and what you do with your private parts just as much as He cares about the starving children around the world. They do not rank higher because they are hungry and you’re not.

      • There is nothing unimportant to God.. He is everything and everywhere. Your virginity is just as important to Him as a starving child.

      • God is almighty and loving. He cares about everything that affects our life. Yes He cares about the innocent being killed like abortion for instance and sex leads to procreation, so yes sex and what we do with our private reproduction organs are very important even on a grand scale. Anything that hurts us is important to Him.

      • See that’s where your wrong God cares about the kids starving an people being killed an if you think he cares more about virginity then people dying maybe you need to read the bible he cares about it all. So virginity is an important thing an it is meant to be shared with someone that means something to you someone you want to share everything with an that is your spouse

        • God is omniscient, omnipresent and is all powerful and loving. He cares for His sheep like the good Shepard and cares for starving children and calls us to help the needy, the hurting and the sick. He cares about the 50 million, 1/4 of a generation of innocent lives legally killed in this country. He also gave us His Word because He wants us to have life more abundantly, spiritually and emotionally. He don’t want us to do things that will hurt us. He cares about everything and is not the least bit overwhelmed by any of it. He loves you. He loves the children suffering in Iraq. He cares what happens with them. God cares for you and me. All if us. Cast your cares on Him, for HE cares for you.

      • Candace, that’s the thing about God, he does care. I serve a loving God that cares about every part of my life. He wants what’s best for me. He wants me to succeed in every area. You may not find someones or your own virginity important but I can guarantee you that God does! It’s not just about sex, it’s everything that goes a long with it. Nothing is small to the God that created you!

      • To think that God is so small that He can only “worry” with one or two things is where you go wrong. It’s not about what He’s worried about. It’s about what’s best for us…HIS creation. After all, those starving kids are in some way a product of His creation thinking they know best. He will not cure every sick person or feed every starving child because, how often we forget, we (humans) chose OUR way in the very beginning which brought all of the off things into the world in the first place. We have free will, but our decisions have consequences, whether immediate or way down the line, someone will pay in some capacity. I would agree that not all feel the pain and suffering from premarital sex, but from experience, some do. I believe everyone has their own THING they will have to work through, whether that be sexual issues, food issues/eating disorders, needing approval/validation, etc. If as Christians, we’re not being sanctified and refined on a continual basis, we might want to re-evaluate whether we’re true believers or simply (or complicatedly) religious. If you’re not a christian than none of this will make sense to you anyway, so why comment?

      • Hey there. I’m assuming your not a christian just based on your comment im sorry if that is incorrect but I thought I would tell you about christian beliefs or at least what I’ve been taught as a christian. We believe that God is omnipresent which means he is everywhere at all times and sees every little thing that goes on in the world which mite sound crazy to nonbelievers but thats what we believe. So no matter how big or small something is He sees it, which is why we care about the little things like this just as much as the big things because God cares about the starving kids and natural disasters as well as the little details of our lives. Nothing is too small for God to over look. If your not a christian this probably sounds crazy but all im saying is why she wrote this and why we believe what we do and if you are a christian I dont want to offend you just sharing what I’ve been taught.

    • Thank you.
      Thank you for writing this.
      Thank you for speaking the truth.
      When I read that blog a week ago for the first time, my heart was broken. So, thank you for speaking out in reply. People need to read this.

  191. Thank you so much, couldn’t have said it better myself. I grew up always saying I was going to be a virgin till my wedding night, but after a year with my x boyfriend, I let temptation get the best of me and because of that I am no longer a virgin. I am a Christian, I grew up in a house that didn’t support sex before marriage and after my boyfriend and I both promised to be together forever, I gave it all up. And now we aren’t even together, it’s been over 6 months and I still cry because of it. Thank you so much for this post!

    • Do you think he cries because he gave up his virginity? Don’t let men control you. Sex is natural and it’s never solely one persons fault a relationship ends. Move on and take control of your own body, you’ll be a lot happier for it.

  192. I agree with both posts. I know that’s contradicting but I’ve experienced a little bit of both. I, like the girl who waited and wish she didn’t, made a promise to stay pure till marriage when I was 8 or 9. I was never taught anything about sex other than just don’t do it until you’re married. I swore I would wait which became harder and harder when I got very serious with my boyfriend. When I had sexual urges it definitely became a huge sense of guilt! The church I was raised in was all about the guilting for everything. I eventually gave in, not bc of pressure but because I wanted to around 17 or 18 which was still a long time to wait according to all of the girls at school. While it was wonderful, I felt terrible. That boyfriend is now my husband. We both were each other’s only sexual partners. So while we didn’t wait till marriage, we’ve never shared it with anyone else. On our honeymoon I expected for that guilt feeling to finally go away bc it was ok now, but it didn’t. It’s definitely been a struggle. Thankfully we are at a church now that doesn’t preach guilt. So I’m learning again that God doesn’t want to guilt you into doing these things (or not doing) but that He loves you and wants what’s best for you and never wants to see you in despair with your heart broken. He put those things there for us to protect not to control. I still wonder if id still have the guilt feeling if I had waited till our wedding day. But I am very happy that I only have shared that part of myself with one person. Everything takes work, marriage being one of the hardest things so far! But the most rewarding at the same time. So thank you both for the post bc I shared feeling with both sides and I don’t think sexuality is spoken about enough to young girls in a positive way. Not guilt and not pressure but about love and responsibility. Sorry for the ramblings!

    • I agree that a lot of people don’t know what sex really is until one day they get married then have no idea what to do with it and feel awkward. Society is based on sex sells. Sadly. Instead of “this is how to truly enjoy married sex with commitment”. Without true commitment men cannot truly enjoy their wives and women cannot feel secure.

  193. Dear Girl Who Didn’t Wait and Wishes She Would Have,

    You totally and completely missed the larger point that Girl Who Waited was attempting to make. You see, your understanding was that her point was to say that no one should wait to have sex until they’re married. That’s not it. Her point was that if you’re going to wait, it should be because you want to wait and feel that it’s the right decision for you. She wasn’t saying that sex before marriage is the right choice for everyone. She wasn’t even saying that it should have nothing to do with religion. She was saying that it should be your choice, your private choice. Because it’s your body, your sexuality, your virginity. Not your churches. It’s no one’s business. It wasn’t the “normal honeymoon awkwardness” that you described that made her feel shame after losing her virginity. It was that her virginity had become her entire identity and her self worth was lost with it. It was the lack of privacy she experienced. Everyone knew she had “fulfilled her wifely duties”. You’re right. Her problem wasn’t with sex, but with a misperception about sex and God’s intent for sex. That’s your problem too. Sex should be no one’s business but yours, your partner’s, and God’s. But in our culture, most women don’t own their sexualities. Churches, men, and society as a whole own our sexualities. This woman has taken hers back, and how dare you put her down for it after her long struggle. At least she had the strength to rebuild her marriage and her self image. Also, you criticize her for speaking about her experience because you think it encourages other women not to wait. She never tells other women what to do, accept to make their own choices. You on the other hand, announce that it is not possible for any woman to have fulfilling sex out of the bonds of marriage because that was your experience. Well I am very sorry that you experienced that, as many women do. However, don’t try to speak on behalf of your entire sex. Lot’s of women are taking back their sexualities from society. For some that means having sex out of wedlock, and for others it means waiting for private reasons that have nothing to do with everyone else’s understanding of our relationship with God. You should be ashamed of yourself for putting this woman down. She’s given a voice to women who have likely silenced themselves out of shame.


    Girl Who’s SexLife Is None of Your Business

    • “Girl who’s sex life is none of your business” is spot on with the way I feel about it too! She wasn’t trying to tell anyone what to do or that they shouldn’t wait… It’s all about privacy and it being your personal choice. It was wrong for you to put anyone down like that. After all she’s gone through she was brave to share her story and I think it’s great of her so other young girls can read it and make sure whatever their choice may be is based on their relationship with god and their own personal choices not from wrongly taught guilt and expectations that should’ve been no ones business.

    • Your response is one of the most well worded of all. Thank you for this. You understood the underlying point that Girl Who Waited made: it should be a personal choice. I read Girl Who Waited’s piece a while back and just read this response article via a friend’s repost on Facebook. Girl Who Didn’t Wait and Wishes She Would Have missed the mark in her response piece. Thank you for being civil in your response while still being logical and understanding of the original piece. Frankly, Girl Who Waited opened my eyes to the fact that me “choosing” to wait till marriage was only because of pressures of my religion and parents and not of my own accord. Ever since reading her thoughts I have been trying to decide what I want and I am thankful she has opened my eyes to the fact that I wasn’t making this decision for ME (as well as some other decisions in my life).

      Thank you for taking time to respond to this article by articulating my thoughts on it as well.


      Girl Who Is Making Decisions For Herself For Once Thanks To Girl Who Waited

    • Thank you! Not sure why people take things and twist them. I did not get from that girl’s article that she was telling people not to wait, she was simply saying it should be YOUR choice whether you do or not and no one’s business but your own.

  194. Your “rebuttal” post mirrors so closely what my reaction was to reading Girl Who Waited’s post. God created sex, and between two married individuals it is a beautiful and intimate thing. I also really appreciate your transparency in describing how you felt when you had sex with a man not your husband. I relate, and there are emotional and often physical consequences of sexual sin, but sex with the person you married is simply not sinful. I also appreciate your tactfulness, for speaking the truth in love. Thank you for your testimony!

  195. See, I met my husband-then-boyfriend four years ago. We dated for a week theN broke up. I moved away and moved back 18 months later and we began dating again. We became sexually active three months after we started dating and we haven’t stopped since. He had a girlfriend when I moved away that he lost his virginity to and im glad he did. He told me sex was so akward because he didn’t last long. They eventually broke up and thats when we started dating. I’m glad that we didn’t wait for marraige to have sex because it would’ve been so akward. Sex with him the first time wasn’t as weird as I thought it would be and it didn’t hurt like I thought. Sex with him was beautiful. Grant it I was afraid he would leave me right after but he never did. Before I gave myself to him, I knew that I loved him. Now that I’m married to him I am so glad that we had sex before marraige because, to me, I decide when I feel ready to have sex. God doesn’t. I encourage my little sister whose 16 to think about it and make sure that she loves that person or else it’s pointless. Now I’m almost 20, expecting a child & married to the man of my dreams and he’s married to the woman of his.

    • You are 20 years old and your sister is 16. You are happily married and sharing your wisdom with the world here today. Only issue is that you are 20 years old and are speaking from a view point of a short-lived marriage and a very young life. Do you have something to offer? Yes. Should you be leading and encouraging others in serious matters such as these? I would encourage you NOT to encourage your 16 year old sister too much along these lines. You very well could be leading her astray and may have a very different viewpoint in a few years.

      From a women who has been in the same relationship for 27 years and married for 25 to the man of my dreams (we have that in common my 20 year old friend). May you & your husband be blessed with reaching the stage we have reached and may we be blessed as we aim to the next 25 years and beyond!

  196. I can kinda relate to this girl. And people are telling her how wrong she is but not pointing her towards help. I don’t enjoy sex. The work it takes to get even the slightest enjoyment out of it is not worth it. Six years married and we’ve tried nearly everything. It’s disappointing. I’ve gone periods where I’ve tried to just do it for him and forgo my own pleasure. It hurts. It sucks. I have to hear about everyone else’s amazing sex lives and I know I may never experience it. I almost wish that I had prior sexual experiences so that I knew for sure I wasn’t broken.

    Posts like this just pour salt in the wound. It’s not easy for everyone. Maybe I need to trust God more or something. Or see a therapist. But non-Christians enjoy sex too, so it has to take something more than motivational speaking to solve the problem.

    • Hey, Im reading your comment and thought I’d share with you the true blessing of a prayer life. Im sure if you and your husband present your situation before God, he can turn this around for you. In his word he said ask and you shall receive.

      Also a great exercise would be to spend moments where your husband is solely trying to please you sexually without anything in return for him. Start with foreplay where you can say what turns you on and then as you progress continue to tell him when it hurts and what feels better. Basically communicate through the experience with each other. It can make the greatest difference. Also you can privately pray immediately prior to having sex with him.

    • I experienced something very similar. I never enjoyed sex with my husband. It hurt, he had more experience than I did, which left me feeling awkward and inept, I contracted an STD from him, and I was plagued with UTIs almost constantly. I tried to keep up having sex for his sake, but it was an effort to have sex even once a month. I had always assumed I was in some way dysfunctional, too. I used to hear my friends talk excitedly about hooking up with other people and thought, “Why would you want to? What’s wrong with me that I don’t?” I thought I must be doing something wrong because I wasn’t experiencing the satisfaction that others did. The fact was, we just weren’t physically compatible. We cared about each other, but it was always going to be painful, based on purely biological reasons.

      Unfortunately, my marriage broke up for other reasons, not because of this particular issue. I’m with someone else and I do actually enjoy having sex now, something I never thought would be the case. One of the biggest things that made a difference to me was hearing from my new partner that it didn’t matter if it was “good” right away and that we could try other things if I still didn’t enjoy sex later on. The other major difference was just physical—we were just more of a fit than my husband and I had been.

      I hope that you and your husband can find a solution that works for you and that you can be physically happy together. The main thing I wanted to say is that it’s not your fault: you’re not broken and it’s not a lack of faith on your part. Sometimes sex really is just difficult, and you shouldn’t be judged for that—by yourself or anyone else. Your sexlife is your own, and no one else has the right to dictate how you should feel or how you should handle it.

  197. I want to start by saying I respect your opinion, and I don’t want to do you any disrespect. It’s just always good to dialogue with people of differing opinions. I’m sorry that you wish you did wait, and maybe that would have been the right choice for you.. However, it’s not necessarily the right choice for everyone.

    You say that any woman who says she doesn’t feel shame for having sex with someone other than her spouse is lying, but I can tell you with total honesty that is not true. I don’t feel any shame or regret for my choice to have sex with someone I wasn’t married to, because it was just that… My choice.

    I’m genuinely sorry that you had the bad experience that you described in your post. Being used in that way is something that is truly awful. However, not all sex before marriage is like that. It can be between two people who love and care about each other and communicate and have an understanding about what they are doing and both fully agree to and want to have sex.

    That’s what it really should be about, love and communication and understanding and consent, not about whether or not the two people are married. Marriage doesn’t guarantee the existence of those things, and lack of marriage doesn’t mean they are nonexistent.

    And a girl can decide if she feels like all those things are there. And she can make the choice to have sex if she wants to, regardless of marital status. And there is no shame in any of that. It’s okay if she decides to have sex before she’s married, and it’s okay if she only decides to have sex when she’s married. And it’s okay if she decides not to have sex at all. Because she gets to decide about her body, and it’s really not anyone else’s business.

    Also, I refuse to believe that virginity (or lack thereof) is something that defines and determines the worth of me or any other girl. Though I do agree that the decision to lose your virginity is a big one that people should be careful about.

    I understand that you’ll disagree with a lot of this, because a lot of what you say in this post about sex is rooted in your religious beliefs and value, which I really totally respect, and religion doesn’t really come into my opinions on sex. I do agree with you that sex should be fulfilling and fun and exciting, though. And I thought this was a really well thought out and interesting post. Thank you for sharing your opinion.

    I’m sorry this was so lengthy and rambley. Your post just gave me a lot of thoughts, which is good. Also, I understand if you don’t read all the way to here, it is a very long post :)

  198. Waited and have no regrets. My now husband also waited, something I am so thankful for. There was no shame that first time and like you said, the longer we’re together, the better our love life gets. Thank you for your response. Was a blessing to read, especially after seeing so many people posting about the first article. Praying God’s richest blessings on the godly love life you have

  199. Thank you. I am praising God for you. I pray that every single girl who read “the girl who waited, and wished she didn’t.” reads this. That they receive what the Lord intended for them, covenant oneness.Thank you for your vulnerability and openness. I disciple many young women, and this article will be a valuable tool to share with them.

    Praying for you and the way this is received.


  200. Thank you for this post! I am in my higher teens and made the decision to wait long ago. Not just because of religion, even though that is a big part of it, but because I have seen the future destruction ‘not waiting’ has had upon other peoples marriages. I have seen the pain, arguments, and tears it causes. I have seen the guilt in peoples eyes, and I have seen how these couples almost never 100% trust each other around the opposite sex because of it. I am a Christian, and I choose to wait because God says that sex should just be between a husband and wife. However, I also wait because I want my future husbands complete trust and adoration. Do I think that sex will be ‘so much better’ if I wait? No, not necessarily, but I know I will feel ‘so much better’ after sex if I do. Thank you again for this post. It has confirmed in so many ways while I made my choice so long ago. For those who have decided otherwise, it is your decision and I, nor anyone else, can tell you what to do. In the end, it is your choice, and I respect that and think no less of anyone.

  201. I had a hard time with both of the blogs, the girl who waited and the girl who didn’t. I understand your point and know that I would completely stand behind it, but I just can’t. I have a lot friends who love Jesus and since getting married they now have the freedom to have sex with their partner. Some of those friends have struggled through sex though. Not just in the “this is messy”, but that some felt shame in the first year of their marriage. Some can’t get sexually aroused and it’s painful for them to have sex. Some have sought out a Christian sex therapist because they struggle with their sex lives. All of these examples come from people who are married and love Jesus. I wish she wouldn’t have denounced her waiting or her God, but her struggle isn’t rare. I wish she wouldn’t have posted it, but maybe it’s not her that we should blame but the church for the way we teach sex from the pulpit. Her thoughts of sex may have been different if she hadn’t been shamed into not sinning. Shaming isn’t the way to the cross, but grace is. When churches teach us that our tape won’t be sticky enough, or only a portion of our heart will be given to our spouses when we sin against them in sexual manners, then what does that say about our God. I’m not saying we should sin willy-nilly, but that we should take a different approach when talk about sex. We shouldn’t be a part of the brokenness of it, but to the part of healing it by shining a light in the darkness.

  202. Thank you for your post! I read the first article & couldn’t even begin to put into words the sorrow I felt for this girl! God has definitely used you as a blessing to many!

  203. Dear Girl Who Didn’t Wait,
    First let me say this, she is obviously not encouraging girls to not wait. She is telling in hopes of reaching out to women and men who have had similar experiences. There are a large amount of women in the Church who do not enjoy sex, who feel dirty, who feel they are simply doing it for their husbands’ benefits. They feel the sole reason for sex is procreation. A view held and taught by many chruches I have been too. I am not saying yours does, but as someone from the Bible belt, mine did. I have been part of a support group in my new church, who talk about this very issue. Many deal with shame from not waiting and discomfort from waiting. These are two sides of a common coin. I do not advocate promiscuity, but I do advocate a woman in control of her own sexuality. She didn’t feel valued for her own self worth. She felt valued for her virginity. As though, her worth was less without it. A similar feeling you felt when being used and abused by your first. You felt like all he valued was having sex with you, and you felt shame by being without it. A shame she similarly feels. She waited, and she had a supporting husband. She, however, no longer had her virginity and thus had no self identity. You like wise identified as no longer a virgin. Tainted goods. Like you said, you hold that second only to your heart. By placing so much emphasis on said virginity, you both have reached similar feelings. Now allow me to tell my story. I was big in my church as a youth. I never made a promise to maintain my virginity for the man I married. I never promised to God. I was surrounded by adults and siblings alike who all lost theirs at an early age. None of them regretted it, but of course, they had children because they didn’t wait. I chose to value myself more than I felt they did. I dated, and there was pressure, but for me, I wanted to be valued for myself and value my partner. At 17 close to 18, I lost my virginity to my best friend, who I had been dating since I was 15. To clarify my family all had lost their virginity by 14. I was so upset I dropped out of school and his life for over a week. I cried constantly. I told my mother, and she basically just said she knew I wouldn’t be able to last. I felt like a failure at first, but then he confronted me. And he comforted me. He listened. He apologized. And he was there. And I owned my decision. 10 years later, we are married. College graduates. Still best friends. It took awhile for me to not feel upset, but not as long as it seems like you two did. Our virginity shouldn’t be the prize at the bottom of a cracker jack box. It should be ourselves, but no one should be made to value their worth by their hymen. Sex is meant to be a beautiful thing, and how someone chooses to share it is up to them. Everyone reacts different to different paths. What is right for you is not right for another. Her story might help a rape victim not feel like discarded goods. It might help another girl realize that she needs not identify her self solely by her virginity. It doesn’t say “don’t wait”, it simply says “don’t let it define you”. Don’t let your past choices, a church doctrine etc define you.

  204. Agreed! :) ….I’m glad the only man I have had and are currently have sex with is my husband. It just wouldn’t feel right giving myself away like that to someone I’m not going to spend the rest of my life with. Sex is something personal that men and women share intemitely. I couldn’t imagine being that personal and intemit with someone I was only going to spend a couple weeks with or even a couple years. Something that special deserves to be saved for the person you love so much you want to spend the rest of your life with.

  205. Dear Savanna,

    This article was linked in a forum that discusses issues in feminism, and I read it all the way through, just like I read the article you’re referring to. You’re probably going to get some hateful responses to this, so I want to take this moment to say that my response here is not intended to be hateful or demonizing to you or your religious beliefs. I am coming from a place of utmost respect, mostly because I realize you probably won’t get a lot of respect from women in my position.

    Now then, on to my actual point…

    While I am very glad that you and your husband have a very happy, healthy sex life, you need to realize that your experience is not the end-all be-all. You may believe that abstinence and salvation go hand in hand, that virginity up until marriage is a requirement to maintain a relationship with Christ. I get that. However, this just isn’t realistic. You are making several sweeping generalizations, and furthermore you are butting into everyone else’s relationship with Christ when you should be more concerned with your own.

    Your opinion strikes me as extremely narrow-minded. I was raped at a young age. Does that mean I can’t love God? Does that mean I don’t love my husband as much? To add to this, I had sex with my husband the very first night we met. Do you want to know how much guilt I felt? None. Absolutely none. In fact, it was the first sexual encounter I had that was utterly without stress and shame. I became more confident in myself, less depressed, and I was able to find a happiness that I’d been searching for all my life. I would not take away that moment, and neither would my husband.

    You are shaming a majority of women (Christians, Muslims, and Atheists alike) that you do not know, and that makes me sad. Also, you are diminishing a woman’s experience just because it did not align with your own, and that’s not okay. She is sharing her experience, and you are allowed to agree or disagree with her conclusion, and you are more than allowed to post this narrow-minded article from up there on your high horse. But just keep in mind that you did not invent happy marriages. You didn’t write the rule book to my life. Maybe God did, but you’re not in a position to say anything conclusive about my personal relationship with God or my husband, and you certainly don’t need to implore people to not share their own experiences. I think you give very little credit to how intelligent young girls are, and if they are devoted to God and feel that making the pledge to stay abstinent is important, reading one article will hardly keep them from that goal.

  206. All I have to say is thank you… being a young girl myself I have always felt that waiting for marriage was the best way because it is Gods way. Reading her blog post as a young virgin troubled me but in no way changed my mind. Sure, I’m afraid for that first night and that first time but this sort of puts my mind at ease so, again, thank you.

  207. I can say that I agree with you so much! I can say that I am not married and a virgin and in this society today, it’s difficult to even mention that you haven’t had sex yet. People look at you like you have a contagious disease and they want to get away from you as fast as possible.

    I haven’t made this commitment because of anything religious but for my own personal belief. Reading your blog and the comments has helped me realize that more people wished they had waited and it doesn’t make me feel as awkward? Crazy? I can’t really think of the right word but thank you. I mean, I’m not going to go around shouting across the rooftops that I’m a virgin but if someone asks, I feel like I don’t have to lie anymore.

  208. So, this is a bit different than the original story.

    I waited until my wedding night. If I had known that my husband and “first,” who I saved myself for for 23 years would also be the one who would betray me, cheat on me, and leave me with no warning, would I have had such a staunch commitment to remaining pure until my wedding night?

    No. Call it bitter, or jaded, or whatever you will, but what did it count for? My virginity didn’t matter to him. And guess what…. it doesn’t come back. There are no guarantees attached to anything in life. Just because you do what is “right” doesn’t mean anyone else will, it doesn’t mean anyone else will care. Not even the person you firmly believe God has intended for you to spend the rest of your life with. It doesn’t mean they will honor Him, you, your commitment? Or your decisions.

    So, you can be a frustrated sexually abstinent teenager and 20-something if you want. Potentially be the only person you know who isn’t sexually active in high school and college. Maybe you will be proud of yourself for that. But if it winds up being all for absolutely nothing because someone throws both you and that “precious gift” in the trash, was all of that really worth it?

    At this point, I would have to say no.

    • I am very sorry to hear how you were treated by your husband in your marriage. I have no doubt it has not been an easy path to travel, especially when you feel you did everything “right”. I do hope in time you see that waiting was a commitment to God and his plan for you, and not a commitment to your husband. We live in a terribly broken world where relationships are so skewed from the human perspective. Take heart that you were faithful to what God called you to and that he will never forsake your obedience.

    • RE: So, this is a bit different than the original story.

      While we are not in the exact same position I am honestly curious, what was your sexual experience before you’re “husband.”

      I only say in quotes because I believe that, as humans, we can become extremely misguided from the truth of who we are, of who we’re meant to be, and of who we’re meant to be with – sexual desire is a sneaky bitch.

      On the flip, I hope you’re happy for people like Savanna who find their one and only amidst a sea of plenty. I know I am.