Before you read this please let me preface it with this: You are so valuable. Man or woman. Girl or boy. Saved or unsaved. In agreement with me or not. Virgin or not. Whether you saved yourself for marriage or whether you didn’t. Whether you have slept with one person or slept with one hundred. You are FULL of worth and value. You were worth so much that Christ gave his life for you, knowing your sin just as he knows mine. Please don’t read this and feel invaluable or worthless because you are in a different place. I believe you are neither worthless or invaluable but are instead the most precious, valuable thing ever created. I truly do.
There is a blog going around right now called “I Waited Until I Was Married To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I Hadn’t” and reading it literally breaks my heart. It has gained much popularity and is circulating the likes of Twitter and Facebook with breakneck speeds. Out of love, this is my response.
Dear Girl Who Waited and Wishes She Didn’t:
I read your blog where you said that you took a vow at ten years old to hold on to your virginity until marriage under the banner of true love waits in front of your church and family. I read that how, even difficult, for the next ten plus years you did just that…WAITED. I thought that was so awesome…until I kept reading. I read your words about how when you got married you felt so shameful and dirty about sex that you cried after the first time and you hated it and were miserable. I am so sorry that after two years you and your husband stopped having sex and you began to see a therapist. I hated that you said as a result of that vow you grew to despise all things sexual and when it came down to it you chose sexual healing over religion and church and now participates in neither. I read how you said that if you could go back and do it again, you wouldn’t wait…and then I cried. You have broken my heart.
Do you know how many young impressionable girls have read your blog? Do you know how many men and women will give up what they have held so dear for so long because you said it didn’t matter?
You’re wrong. It does matter. I have one regret in my life and that is that I didn’t wait for my husband to have one of the most precious part of me and my body, my virginity.
I have felt the shame and disgust and guilt you talked about after having sex, but it wasn’t with my husband.
I have felt hurt and spent and used after having sex, but it wasn’t with my husband.
I have felt lost and abandoned and dirty and alone after having sex, but it wasn’t with my husband.
I felt that way with someone who I didn’t love, who didn’t love me, and who used my innocence and vulnerability against me. Someone who I found out later slept with me and was sleeping with about a half-dozen other girls around the same time.
Honeymoon sex is awkward for everyone. It’s a new thing, a private thing, with crazy expectations and ideas about what it will be like. The idea of standing naked for the first time in front of someone is daunting and nerve-racking for anyone. So don’t be so hard on yourself. I bet lots of women have had that experience and even cried after, but it shouldn’t bring shame. Shame and embarrassment are different.
I have never felt shame one time having sex inside the bonds of marriage. Not once. But you know what, sometimes something weird or unplanned happens. Sometimes it’s messy, and sometimes it’s not. The fact is, anytime you bring together something as vulnerable and open as two naked bodies, uncontrollable things are bound to happen. It’s part of life and part of sex. My sex life is wonderful and the longer my husband and I are married the better it keeps getting. It is still great though. It’s better now than it was five years ago and I believe in five more years it will be better than it is now. The deeper we grow in relational intimacy, the deeper we grow in sexual intimacy. I wish you could experience this without such bonds of negativity.
I’m sorry that you hated sex and it was horrible for you. I am sorry that your marriage struggled because of it. I’m sorry that you felt too ashamed to look anyone in the eye. I’m sorry that your church made you feel that sexuality and salvation were separate and shouldn’t be celebrated and enjoyed for the INCREDIBLE JOY that it is. I’m so sorry that you hated it so much that it caused you to give up your relationship with Christ. But please, please don’t say you shouldn’t have waited. Please know the value and power that your words have. Please know the influence you have. Please consider that somewhere tonight a young (or not so young) girl made the decision to give up her virginity to someone who didn’t deserve it, won’t appreciate it, and won’t be there in the morning to hold her through the shame…at least you had a husband to wake up with.
You see, Girl Who Waited, God created sex to be enjoyed by man and woman, husband and wife, and while that may not be popular in culture, it’s the truth. God didn’t create sex to be shameful, but just the opposite. He created it to be fulfilling, exciting, loving, and FUN. Women are lying to say that they haven’t felt shame or regret after they had sex with someone who wasn’t their spouse. Outside of the bond of marriage it will always feel that way, whether you choose to believe it, accept it, or neither. If you feel shame INSIDE of sex in marriage, then that’s a misconception about God’s intent about sex, not about sex itself.
I am sorry you aren’t glad you waited, but I sure am glad you did.
Girl Who Didn’t Wait And Wishes She Would Have